Wednesday, February 10, 2010
The groups came back today. I was doing work study when I saw a text from Kristie saying that they were all well and on their way back in one piece. I enjoyed getting her message and knowing she thought about me. Sometime last week I had thought about camping at the challenge course so I could feel some connection with them all. Can't do that though when you've sold your sleeping bag.
At some point, I noticed Group A's van had returned but Group B (aka D-) that I was supposed to be with wasn't back yet. As I walked to my car around 4, I looked across the parking lot and saw them unloading. My first thought was to head up and say "Hi!" but then I remembered what it's like when you come back from the trips. You're beat and trying to grab your gear so you can head out and home. Thursday will be a day off and then we gather for debrief on Friday morning.
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Here, Not There
So, I'm here, not there with the group doing the group thing. Mostly I've been okay since I pretty much filled my week with appointments to hopefully heal my back, paperwork long overdue, some odd jobs, job search, a little workstudy, and I need to really focus on my academic work due.
Last night I went to Look Park, figuring it's a high spot in town, to send a text message to the SAT (satellite) phone. "miss u xo snuffy." Somehow we decided on Muppet type names for the group and I was to be Snuffleupagus. That changed from "The Big Easy." I don't want to know where that came from.
So yesterday I had been scheduled to co-lead with Sarah Maney. Don't know who took my place. They would have traveled 1.3 miles with a gain of 39.4' and a loss of 49.2'. Activities were snowball wars and a dance off. Damn, I love dancing and it's great for keeping warm. Interestingly, there's no mention on the itinerary of where we were to camp but today they're camping in the same place at 1722'. Day 8, I was also scheduled to lead with Ian. They'll travel 1.2 miles with a 79' gain. Football is the activity and they're camping at the base of Harrington mountain. That's a mistake according to Austin's instruction. He said the warmest area would be part way up the mountain as the base and the top are the coldest.
We needed to do a better job on the itinerary we turned in. Sarah typed it up but we all should have reviewed it a lot earlier. As I read it again, I'm reminded of how much I was not involved in this planning despite that being a goal. People went separate ways and there was no meeting where we all met as a group to talk things out. It led to issues of multiple lists being created as to who was doing presentations and the latest superseding the first list. My co-leaders and I never met as co-leaders so the day's activities don't reflect me though I did pass on my LNT for Dispose of Waste properly to Sarah Maney figuring she'd pull off the "Poo Olympics" well. Jake pushed me to speak up and I did a couple of times early on but didn't have enough pull to get the entire group together. I should have been more direct or pointed in what I said as to how I felt that the process was not including me, though some seemed to understand that I was frustrated. But one person's frustration is not incentive for a group to pull together. So, I gave up and told myself I was trying to let go of control and to see how it plays out in a less structured style. That may be the truth but it's not the whole truth. I also wimped out. I need to find ways to have my voice and ideas heard without worrying about being the annoying nooge nor being placated or condescended to.
Well, tonight I'll play pool in my black leather jacket and play at pulling off the look. Then I'll go hunt for the Adirondack stars like I hunted for the city lights from my bedroom window as a girl.
Last night I went to Look Park, figuring it's a high spot in town, to send a text message to the SAT (satellite) phone. "miss u xo snuffy." Somehow we decided on Muppet type names for the group and I was to be Snuffleupagus. That changed from "The Big Easy." I don't want to know where that came from.
So yesterday I had been scheduled to co-lead with Sarah Maney. Don't know who took my place. They would have traveled 1.3 miles with a gain of 39.4' and a loss of 49.2'. Activities were snowball wars and a dance off. Damn, I love dancing and it's great for keeping warm. Interestingly, there's no mention on the itinerary of where we were to camp but today they're camping in the same place at 1722'. Day 8, I was also scheduled to lead with Ian. They'll travel 1.2 miles with a 79' gain. Football is the activity and they're camping at the base of Harrington mountain. That's a mistake according to Austin's instruction. He said the warmest area would be part way up the mountain as the base and the top are the coldest.
We needed to do a better job on the itinerary we turned in. Sarah typed it up but we all should have reviewed it a lot earlier. As I read it again, I'm reminded of how much I was not involved in this planning despite that being a goal. People went separate ways and there was no meeting where we all met as a group to talk things out. It led to issues of multiple lists being created as to who was doing presentations and the latest superseding the first list. My co-leaders and I never met as co-leaders so the day's activities don't reflect me though I did pass on my LNT for Dispose of Waste properly to Sarah Maney figuring she'd pull off the "Poo Olympics" well. Jake pushed me to speak up and I did a couple of times early on but didn't have enough pull to get the entire group together. I should have been more direct or pointed in what I said as to how I felt that the process was not including me, though some seemed to understand that I was frustrated. But one person's frustration is not incentive for a group to pull together. So, I gave up and told myself I was trying to let go of control and to see how it plays out in a less structured style. That may be the truth but it's not the whole truth. I also wimped out. I need to find ways to have my voice and ideas heard without worrying about being the annoying nooge nor being placated or condescended to.
Well, tonight I'll play pool in my black leather jacket and play at pulling off the look. Then I'll go hunt for the Adirondack stars like I hunted for the city lights from my bedroom window as a girl.
Monday, February 1, 2010
Gear Shakedown Day
It's gear shakedown day and all I've brought are Beth's overmitts and mitts to return to her, hardware and rope to repair the sled I was to use in case someone else can use it, and my -30 sleeping bag in case someone wants to buy it. I end up doing workstudy for the day; cutting and tying P-cord onto the 4 new tarps in between signing out individual and group gear, and sorting assignments that are due so they can be brought on the trip. Marc needs my -30 bag so pays me what I paid for it--win win.
I announce early to the class that I'm not able to go on the trip because of my fall. Beth takes the teachable moment opportunity to throw me under the bus and talk about our conversation about why I decided to ski the hill.
"I asked Eileen why she did it and you know what she said? And I kid you not," Beth said shaking her head, she told me, 'Well everyone was doing it'.
That was an example of half truth and attempting to get a laugh. I wasn't following the hot doggers. I was following the ones who wedged and took their time and were okay. I just didn't do it properly. Got a few more laughs and an "Eileen, how old are you?" comment that had already been said in essence. I told Beth that acknowledging and putting aside fear is pretty much how I've gotten through this year. But, in fact, other challenges were more controlled unlike being on skis--that I waxed myself, and flying down what turned out to be the tubing hill. Beth continued her teachable moment reminding people to use good judgment.
As the day goes on, I feel the growing sadness that I won't make this trip with everyone. I can walk okay in general but there's a nagging awareness that my hips or pelvis are feeling weak. And when I leaned against the wall putting my boots on, I thought I'd go through the ceiling from the pain. That's not a body that's wilderness worthy. I'd be even more anxious about falling which I surely would since we'll be on skis or snowshoes, carrying a pack and hauling a sled. And, were I stubborn enough to want to try it for myself, it would be a lousy leadership model by putting the group's trip in jeopardy.
Mostly, I had been dreading the unrelenting cold and the required toughness that I imagine will be necessary to get through the 9 days. Sounds like a broken record as I have written similar thoughts for the other trips. The intention is to put us through a lot of learning and arduous experience--our practicum, so that we know we can survive and know how to keep others safe on similar trips.
The day's conversations and reminders of what someone has forgotten or what they will encounter are all reminders of the leadership minutia that I won't have the opportunity to practice. I was hoping to push myself to not concentrate so much on how miserable I may feel and to be the leader, think about others and how I might positively influence the trip. Instead, I'll need to positively influence just myself. . . said realizing no island am I. I'll have 10 days with no structure--not good for me. I need to create the structure and keep moving. I have a couple of workstudy projects, need to finish my independent project, send in a couple of assignments, work on my resume, look for jobs--oh, and heal. I have no shortage of things to do. And, at least as primary, I need to find ways to be physically active despite my bad back. I want to get copies of my x-rays and see my chiropractor. Maybe I'll get some direction there as to how to move and be proactive in my healing. Won't be long before we're on to canoeing and kayaking.
Gave Jake and Ian hugs as they left. They asked if they'd see me in the morning. I wasn't planning on being in for 7-7:30 but I suppose I could see them all off. Beth suggested it would be too sad. Yeah, it would. She said she'd miss having me on the trip. She won't have to deal with my tears but she said she loves my tears that indicate growth.
I meant to take my map so that I can follow the route. I hope they leave it behind.
I announce early to the class that I'm not able to go on the trip because of my fall. Beth takes the teachable moment opportunity to throw me under the bus and talk about our conversation about why I decided to ski the hill.
"I asked Eileen why she did it and you know what she said? And I kid you not," Beth said shaking her head, she told me, 'Well everyone was doing it'.
That was an example of half truth and attempting to get a laugh. I wasn't following the hot doggers. I was following the ones who wedged and took their time and were okay. I just didn't do it properly. Got a few more laughs and an "Eileen, how old are you?" comment that had already been said in essence. I told Beth that acknowledging and putting aside fear is pretty much how I've gotten through this year. But, in fact, other challenges were more controlled unlike being on skis--that I waxed myself, and flying down what turned out to be the tubing hill. Beth continued her teachable moment reminding people to use good judgment.
As the day goes on, I feel the growing sadness that I won't make this trip with everyone. I can walk okay in general but there's a nagging awareness that my hips or pelvis are feeling weak. And when I leaned against the wall putting my boots on, I thought I'd go through the ceiling from the pain. That's not a body that's wilderness worthy. I'd be even more anxious about falling which I surely would since we'll be on skis or snowshoes, carrying a pack and hauling a sled. And, were I stubborn enough to want to try it for myself, it would be a lousy leadership model by putting the group's trip in jeopardy.
Mostly, I had been dreading the unrelenting cold and the required toughness that I imagine will be necessary to get through the 9 days. Sounds like a broken record as I have written similar thoughts for the other trips. The intention is to put us through a lot of learning and arduous experience--our practicum, so that we know we can survive and know how to keep others safe on similar trips.
The day's conversations and reminders of what someone has forgotten or what they will encounter are all reminders of the leadership minutia that I won't have the opportunity to practice. I was hoping to push myself to not concentrate so much on how miserable I may feel and to be the leader, think about others and how I might positively influence the trip. Instead, I'll need to positively influence just myself. . . said realizing no island am I. I'll have 10 days with no structure--not good for me. I need to create the structure and keep moving. I have a couple of workstudy projects, need to finish my independent project, send in a couple of assignments, work on my resume, look for jobs--oh, and heal. I have no shortage of things to do. And, at least as primary, I need to find ways to be physically active despite my bad back. I want to get copies of my x-rays and see my chiropractor. Maybe I'll get some direction there as to how to move and be proactive in my healing. Won't be long before we're on to canoeing and kayaking.
Gave Jake and Ian hugs as they left. They asked if they'd see me in the morning. I wasn't planning on being in for 7-7:30 but I suppose I could see them all off. Beth suggested it would be too sad. Yeah, it would. She said she'd miss having me on the trip. She won't have to deal with my tears but she said she loves my tears that indicate growth.
I meant to take my map so that I can follow the route. I hope they leave it behind.
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