Here, Not There

So, I'm here, not there with the group doing the group thing. Mostly I've been okay since I pretty much filled my week with appointments to hopefully heal my back, paperwork long overdue, some odd jobs, job search, a little workstudy, and I need to really focus on my academic work due.

Last night I went to Look Park, figuring it's a high spot in town, to send a text message to the SAT (satellite) phone. "miss u   xo snuffy." Somehow we decided on Muppet type names for the group and I was to be Snuffleupagus. That changed from "The Big Easy." I don't want to know where that came from.

So yesterday I had been scheduled to co-lead with Sarah Maney. Don't know who took my place. They would have traveled 1.3 miles with a gain of 39.4' and a loss of 49.2'. Activities were snowball wars and a dance off. Damn, I love dancing and it's great for keeping warm. Interestingly, there's no mention on the itinerary of where we were to camp but today they're camping in the same place at 1722'.  Day 8, I was also scheduled to lead with Ian.  They'll travel 1.2 miles with a 79' gain. Football is the activity and they're camping at the base of Harrington mountain. That's a mistake according to Austin's instruction. He said the warmest area would be part way up the mountain as the base and the top are the coldest.

We needed to do a better job on the itinerary we turned in. Sarah typed it up but we all should have reviewed it a lot earlier.  As I read it again, I'm reminded of how much I was not involved in this planning despite that being a goal. People went separate ways and there was no meeting where we all met as a group to talk things out. It led to issues of multiple lists being created as to who was doing presentations and the latest superseding the first list. My co-leaders and I never met as co-leaders so the day's activities don't reflect me though I did pass on my LNT for Dispose of Waste properly to Sarah Maney figuring she'd pull off the "Poo Olympics" well. Jake pushed me to speak up and I did a couple of times early on but didn't have enough pull to get the entire group together. I should have been more direct or pointed in what I said as to how I felt that the process was not including me, though some seemed to understand that I was frustrated. But one person's frustration is not incentive for a group to pull together. So, I gave up and told myself I was trying to let go of control and to see how it plays out in a less structured style. That may be the truth but it's not the whole truth. I  also wimped out. I need to find ways to have my voice and ideas heard without worrying about being the annoying nooge nor being placated or condescended to.

Well, tonight I'll play pool in my black leather jacket and play at pulling off the look. Then I'll go hunt for the Adirondack stars like I hunted for the city lights from my bedroom window as a girl.