Let's see, how did this day start? Slept lousy, dreaming and waking every hour thinking about nailing it. Started with more presentations and splitting into two groups to teach strokes. I don't think anyone in our group nailed the stroke teaching. I struggled particularly with a simple one, especially when someone whispered rotation. I thought I was forgetting to talk about rotation so added it in but there was no rotation in that stroke. I got nervous and blew it.
Coquette was told to lead the morning in Jen's boat and Erin led in sweep, maybe with Kristi. Great, I've got to wait until the afternoon for my leadership run. We were doing the choosing partners thing again and the only ones left were Kristi and me. Kristi said that we couldn't paddle together because we already had and have different things to work on. She wanted to be more aggressive. That led Evan to ask if that meant I don't want to be aggressive today, which I had never said. . . didn't look good given my need to nail it today. I intended to speak to him about it but never did. I'm glad that Kristi said that she needed to paddle with someone else today. I know the sense of feeling trapped in a boat for a day with someone whose energy just isn't working for you and feeling like you need to grit your teeth and pull yourself through. I should have spoken up as Kristi did. Clearly my energy wasn't working for her, I'm assuming some of it based on our previous up-river struggle with me in stern. I guess the aggressive reasoning may have been the gentle way she could rationalize a different partner though I've pretty much been as physically aggressive as others, going after the surf, etc. In the end, easy going "Average Joe" and I paired up which felt good to me.
We paddled for the morning with me in bow and Joe in stern. We reached the same wave that we played on yesterday and Evan encouraged us all to give it a go again. We were parked next to Mark so I asked him to explain his reasoning for telling me yesterday when to paddle and not. He said the bow shouldn't paddle in the smooth green water otherwise we might get out in front of it and the stern would go into the white water and get booted out. At least that's how I understood him. I didn't get the sense that Joe was very interested in surfing but we paddled hard to the wave and I angled slightly to the right and we had a long ride. I didn't tell Joe when or not to paddle but concentrated on keeping us on angle. Lots of hootin' and hollerin' as we slid along the length of the wave, not necessarily purposely but I made hard corrective sweeps to angle, sometimes surprised that they held us, and Joe paddled in whatever way felt right to him until he suggested we slide out so others could ride. We went back two more times and I think always having the longest ride of anyone. I felt strong, capable and had fun doing it with paddle high-fives each time. Evan made a joke about not having enough time for Joe and I to take another shot. Kate and Anna gave us the most hands-off/heads-on rides. Kate twirled her paddle while surfing and in other rides, Anna joined in and then did a half head stand in the bow while surfing. . . her yoga and capoeira pays off!
We had "The Funnel" coming up so Evan wanted to get through that and then stop for lunch. A few people had run "The Funnel" the day before. Joe and I opted out first and portaged--tough getting the boat up a steep, rocky 12' and through little saplings so that we could carry it downstream another 200' below "The Funnel."
The Funnel was described by Evan as a place that you should only run if you feel confident that you can run it and that you can swim the hard swim should you go in--highly likely. What the link picture doesn't show is Pinnacle Rock, river right, which you must circumvent or your boat will be caught and possibly crushed against it, nor does it show the shelf 20 feet beyond the rock that drops 3 or 4 feet, and the large churning hole at the bottom of the drop which could grab you and your boat, push you under and churn you around until it might spit you out into yet more turbulence. Where there's turbulence there's rocks. The picture does give you a sense of the waves that can swamp your boat at the end of an otherwise successful run, as happened to Jen and Erin. It was beautiful to see two women making this run and then the realization, as we stood with throw bags in hand, that at the end of their run they were swamping in the waves, capsizing, and in need of good throws. Happily, they're on video with Jen in the bow and Erin in the stern.
My bag missed Jen because my anchor person pulled me back as I threw. There is apparently technique to anchoring. Those of us not running today encouraged the daring to run all the boats down so that we didn't have to portage.
Here's Aaron and Evan's run with Aaron in the bow and Evan in the stern. They take a dunk and jump back in to finish.
One more tandem came down and flipped, the boat rushed by in the current heading downstream fast. Kate said I need someone to paddle! I said, "I'll go. . .unless you want someone else." How lame is that lack of confidence? "Get in" she said and we peeled out paddling hard after the boat that had momentarily hung up on some rocks. We chased it and, in stern, I had to steer it so we'd hit center to push it over to the shore. I grabbed its painter line and maybe a paddle and held on as we paddled in. Damn it was heavy in the pushing current. We got it to shore, a great feeling of capability washing over me. I told Kate that I love paddling with her. She makes me feel confident, safe, gives clear instructions, and it isn't a problem if I screw up. And she makes it wild fun! We high-fived into a balancing hug, our footing on slippery rocks. Meanwhile, Aaron and Jen came down on the other bank to get their boat. Kate was figuring out the simplest way to get both boats over and asked how I felt about ferrying the tandem back in the stern by myself. "I'll try it" was all I could offer as I thought damn, really? One person can paddle a tandem? I did it just fine and Aaron and Jen told me I looked very comfortable doing it. Okay, so chasing and capturing a runaway boat and paddling it by myself has to count for something today, I thought.
Once all the boats were down, Evan suggested that we finish the run and eat lunch during the van ride back because he needed time to meet with all of us about our Cert Level. I was assigned lead boat with Joe, Anna, also needing more leadership time, was assigned sweep with someone else. I realized right away that I blew the communication by giving them too much information. Okay, that will ding my rating but shake it off and keep going. Joe was suggesting that we eddy in here and there and then I told him that I really needed to make the calls because I was being judged. He was totally with me and let me have at it. . . but got frustrated a few times when he wanted more notice about rocks that sometimes I could see but often couldn't, so he could steer around. Communicating well with a paddle partner takes experience together or just plain experience. It got dicey around another rapid and determining which eddy we should get into to signal others about the next step. And then there was our ride river right into the boney rapids because I picked to the right of a big rock instead of left. Joe was yelling no go left but I hadn't seen it or heard him until too late. Not feeling the confidence of the Raquette River in September, I pretty much knew I had blown it at that point.
We pulled in and hauled boats up a steep hill with saplings, had a couple of other 5 minute presentations, loaded up, jumped into the van and ate lunch on the way home. Evan and Kate rode together so they could discuss the Cert Levels. I was feeling pretty miserable and ate just so I didn't have to talk to anyone because I knew I would start crying. Coquette noted that I was pretty quiet but I just gestured with a full mouth. I fought tears the whole way, not wanting to cry but wondering if just putting it out there to everyone would make it feel better.
Individuals went in one by one for their appointments and came out with Level III or II. It was very cool. I was 2nd last before Anna. I sat down and Evan had just about gotten the words out, "So where do you think . . ." and I said, "Oh, just tell me." I didn't nail it today so it was as we talked about the day before. I could go for Level II when Kate is at our canoeing field work in a few weeks but they said that might make me too nervous to have a good field work. Evan suggested I might also volunteer to help him teach a course for a day and he'd get to see me then. Or, I could pay him for .5 day and he could test me then. Whichever way it goes, I won't have canoed for at least a few weeks or longer. Not good for my confidence or muscle memory. But, maybe the sea kayaking trip will up the ante and give me more confidence.
I realize what is happening to me. Though I've been in formal learning situations for much of my life, this year is heightening the comparison to others and it's triggering really old stuff, old feelings from grade school that required perfection. As I wrote in December about ruminating on mistakes, mistakes were shameful. Now, whenever I can't do as well as others in a particular way, shame is what I feel. I'm constantly trying to avoid mistakes and shame which then makes me so young and afraid. I haven't felt like this in so long, or at least not for such a consistent length of time. What a waste of energy. I get sucked into it before I even know it. Somehow, I need to keep my adult and accomplished self in the forefront. My life has had many successes and in all of those I have had to learn from mistakes. The shame now is that at my age I am still dealing with these unresolved issues. Let it go gently and take on my adulthood again. This is supposed to be my life changing year.
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