WFR Training Course-Relived

Traumatized by my prerequisite Wilderness First Responder course just a few days after leaving my job in August, a few months shy of 20 years and prior to starting the Outdoor Leadership Program, I am finally able to transfer my journal notes in hopes of some letting go.

Friday, August 21, '09  Day 3 of 8
Brain fog at 5 a.m. Pull clothing together since I didn't manage it last night. Kitchen table and living room hold the material remnants of MHC, parting gifts from almost 20 years as employee and part-time student. The transition from MHC to OLP has left no time for reflection as I choose between a can of baby peas or organic veg soup for breakfast. One of the 2 pears has not yet rotted and the apple is stuffed into my day pack. I start a new pile of dishes in the sink--3 days worth were washed up last night. I don't live like this. Well, I do now.

Shot off an email of phrases describing my WFR 12+ hour days. Walking to the parking lot after 5, I shed my first of many anticipated tears. Fears of not cutting it in WFR would mean not completing OLP-not even starting. Finally announced to myself that failure is not an option. We gave each other shots of saline on Thursday, Day 2. We did what?! Expected. Just do it.

Talked seizures to death and can't find a word to say about them now. Learned spine immobilization, clearing a spine and litter evac--wrap 'em up and get 'em out. 

Saturday, August 22
Think I came close to acing the "clearing spines" quiz. Lecture on dislocations and role play of same. Later simulation of rescue. I got a pt with ASR and chest pain. I should have been to her side instead of in front 'cause she could have vomited on me. I was purposely blocking her view of her traumatized rock climbing friends. They filmed us and asked us Qs and that's when I started my own mental block and ASR.

They've made references to it being tough when you've been out of school a long time. They're assuming I haven't been in school for a lot more years than is reality. I need to remind myself that I held my own and graduated with honors.

All in all, I feel more in control of the content, where to find info in which books, etc. though I haven't kept up with all the homework. I'm amazed at how much I've learned in these few days. I'm not sure I want this responsibility in real life but here I am. . . growth. Now sleep.

Sunday, August 23
Hypothermia and hyperthermia, salt loss name? And then wounds. Pictures in color and on large screen.

Oh, and a cool video of a researcher who skied into a hole in a frozen lake--purposely. He shows he could stay alive up to 10 minutes by not thrashing and shows how to get out. In fact, he got out and rolled back in again. Also showed if you get your arms up high onto the ice, they may freeze and hold you until help arrives.

WOUNDS
But back to wounds. Had to irrigate (clean) "wounds" in chicken legs--they had been randomly cut and the punctures stuffed with dirt--which became mud 30 seconds into the sim as buckets suddenly poured down. One vegan student asked to be excused from the exercise but was not. I had been anxious and tears had started during the slides and now I had to deal with pseudo human parts complete with "blood" served up on a little paper plate. Grab yer gloves, a tiny plastic fork and knife and have at it! I did. First we a filled a zip bag with H2O and needed to puncture a hole in the corner to serve as a pressure syringe. I stuck my syringe zip bag and ended up with 4 holes instead of one. Now 4 streams shot out of the bag. The instructor came over and tried to fix it but succeeded in adding 4 more holes on the other corner so I now had 8 streams of H2O--going anywhere but hitting their mark. After he walked away, my frustration and anger got the better of me and I dug in with the plastic knife, stabbing and mutilating the chicken leg, flinging it onto the plate in hanging pieces. (I'm sorry vegans and vegs. Especially sorry to the chicken.) I had to walk away to breathe again. We were all soaked to the skin. I was sure no one saw me lose it.

Then the sim. On the way to prep, Greg an instructor, caught up and saw I was upset. He talked with me and said don't let it beat you and told me of his own challenges (struggle over victory--Ace of Swords). He apparently passed the word because all 3 instructors talked with me. Both embarrassing and supportive. I wasn't sure why the wounds section was so upsetting. I kept thinking about the times Kurt ended up in the hospital for one thing or another--fell off a playground ladder and broke his scapula, a few rides over his bike handlebars with cuts, broken collar bone, bruising and bandages. The worst was losing a piece of his finger in the lawn mower. I wanted to slap the nurses for hurting him as they cleaned his wounds. Yeah, I know they had to. I still wanted to slap them. They never knew it because I wanted to stay with Kurt and not be thrown out of the room. Even in pediatrics as a kid or a parent, I would hear babies or kids cry and feel angry at whomever was causing them pain or fear. . . didn't matter the benefit.

The sim. I had an impaled arm--I fell on a screw that went through and stayed in my arm.

Monday, August 24
Arrived about 7:40 a.m. and Greg and Paul were outside. Greg said he had a song cued up for me in his truck--"Come on Eileen." Very cool. I got in too late so maybe I'll catch him tomorrow. Paul asked how I was and I said I was reframeing things. Asked if I needed help before class (we've been meeting for a few days) but I said I had some things to go over and I'd find him if need be.

Paul presented altitude sickness and since he's a climber, he showed us his Dinali (Alaska) slides and talked in reference to those. He was clearly jazzed--had an adrenaline rush, somewhat breathless and talked faster than usual. Greg talked about lightening and Dave talked about bites and toxins.

P.M. went out and tried various ways to carry someone out on our backs. . . .rope seat, tarp seat, web harness. Man! Couldn't go far. Overall, much better day. Ok on quiz but didn't see a part of the Q on the board so missed part of the answer.

Austin and Beth stopped in today. Beth wants me to start workstudy soon--Thurs or Fri. I'll let her know.

No homework tonight so caught up some with review and did some soap notes. Wrote up some Qs for the a.m. Most now is review. Some we'll likely read on our own. Not ready for quiz. Exams will be 50 Qs multiple choice. Must get an 80 to pass. Joe is counting on multiple choice.

Tuesday, August 25
Rodeo "speed dating" on Back Country Medicine. . . sinus infection, pregnancy, UTIs, Giardia and it goes on and on. Not enough time to come to anticipated problems and treatment so you're on the line to come up with it. Afternoon, more slides about something I've forgotten at this point. Just how valuable is this pace? There is no time to process why something is or to make it my own. I'm memorizing and how long will that stay with me? Where is the value? We need to be able to think on our feet in the wilderness but I'm not convinced that cramming material makes a valuable WFR.

Then we had a simulation up in the woods. I volunteered to be a rescuer 'cause it's the only way I'll learn. I had an unstable ankle pt sitting near a snake. I got a secondary rescuer to help move her and instructed how to support her to a safer place. No sooner do I start checking her, than I turn and see my secondary seizing on the ground. I leave the ankle to check the seizure but remember there's nothing to do but let him "do his thing" and protect his head from the surroundings. I called for help and the leader held his head, asked if I saw him fall which I didn't. Her tone was measured and calm and I heard it as a voice of condescending authority indicating that I was not acting properly and forgot to hold his head. He started to puke so we both turned him but, in fact, 1 instructor said you could hold their head but another didn't feel it necessary. She sat him up and was going to leave him with me.  Since I now had 2 pts, I said I want him laying down so if he seizes again, he won't fall and hit his head.

When I turned back to the ankle pt, she was unconscious. I blanked about what to do and finally Dave came over and reminded me about STOPEATS. I determined sugar was needed so got some glucose but that's really the only place I messed up. I became so frustrated with how I couldn't splint her ankle but the fact is, it was the first time I ever had a SAM splint in my hand. I referred to the fieldguide about wrapping and taping and took apart what I had done because I remembered hearing not to wrap the circumference because it wouldn't allow for swelling and would loosen in 20 minutes or less. I struggled with the splint and couldn't find the pix in the guide--don't like it for quick reference. Knowing it wasn't good, Dave asked if I thought it would support her. I said no, so he said do it over. This time I used the stretchy tape and came up with a wrap that would hold up. I was the last one done; messed around a bit with vitals.

I was told "good call" when I said I couldn't transport her myself for 5 miles and asked for a secondary. Also for spotting the rubber snake which they said others had missed. Fact is, I saw it, laughed with disdain and mentioned it to the pt but ignored it. We didn't move from it until I told the Incident Commander, "Look, they even hid a rubber snake."
"You have to move now," she said urgently. It's a rubber snake and the implication just didn't register.
Dave took me aside after and told me it was an unfair test throwing 2 pts my way but that I handled it well and I should feel good about how I did.
"It's not about fair it's just what was," I said, not accepting the consideration.
He reiterated, "There's fair and there's unfair. You had unfair."
Then he said, "Paul's talked with you about being on the bubble."
"No," I said, "what's that?"
Apparently the bubble is sports terminology and means I could slide either way in terms of passing the skills part of the course. I was stunned but didn't let on--like I always do. I did say, "So passing is not just based on the exam?"
"You did real good today and if you can come out and do great tomorrow, or even good, you'll be in good shape."
The sim being unfair makes me figure I was set up. I finally said, "Well, you guys call the shots so if you say it was unfair and I did really well (pistons firing) then so be it."
Exam is tomorrow afternoon.

Back in class we had to watch a video of the scenario. I just felt worse and worse wanting to cry. At the end they asked who expected to need more time with the exam so I and a few others said we did. Then I headed out. Greg called down the hall, "Good job today" but I was too upset to acknowledge.  I felt confused and in turmoil, wanted to talk with them but didn't. Once in my car I left in tears but turned back figuring this was the best place to study. Avoided them by going in the back door.

Couldn't stop crying. Called Georgia but no answer. Took a chance and called Anna--new acquaintance in class. We talked a bit while I cried. I really opened and took a chance with her. Hope I didn't blow it. G called back so we talked quite a while. I was spouting all kinds of medical jargon and she, a doctor, couldn't believe what I had learned in 8 days, nor could she understand the value of the pace. The cardinal rule in med school had been that you need to hear something 3 times, including teaching the subject, before something will stay with you. I called her back later with the insight that I was feeling vulnerable with these 3 guys. All week I've told them my Qs and weaknesses and now they hold the power of not passing me in the course. They always have held that power but now it feels like an element of betrayal and unsafe.

I have to work with my head to make it through tomorrow. If I fail, I've decided, I may have a bigger lesson to learn. Failure and imperfection are okay, I assure myself, and I will survive. I am still a valuable human being and not passing won't change that or take away all that I've learned.

Wednesday, August 26  11:11 p.m.
Just fell into bed. Exhausted.
I PASSED MY WFR COURSE!!
I write large and celebratory because I should feel that way but don't. Too beat and still feelings linger. On the drive to school today, I called Mary M and said I needed an Amazon Womon connection. Talked for quite a while. She laughed and remembered a picture of Ferron and Bitch that she got for me from Michigan. She thought they looked fierce so I took their images with me through my day. And, I think the Universe guided me to the dislocation I got for the simulation because I was able to relocate and sling.

Last day and still they squeeze in yet another topic--diving injuries. I checked out on that one though. Tried to pull myself back a couple of times.

Afternoon exam. Had to leave the room to go somewhere quiet because Paul started packing up boxes while we were doing the exam. Thought I did better. Had to get an 80 but I got an 82. Somebody didn't make it. Got a T-shirt and an envelope of stuff. Thought I read that we paid for a First Aid kit but no. Had to do evaluations. Couldn't construct what I really wanted to say. I'm fried. Had to leave right after 'cause I'm not wanting to talk with anyone, especially instructors. Went to Fin Aid to do the online paperwork--aaahhgg! Just stop. Cut yourself some slack, damn it.

Went to town to meet Mary M. but as I parked and got out of the car, I noticed my breath. I really noticed that I was breathing. It was a visceral realization. I don't have to do this course anymore. It's finished. I walked, disconnectedly down the street and found a grassy spot under a tree. I sat down slowly then sunk to the ground on my back. I felt nothing. I felt no joy in my accomplishment. Susan called as I lay there and while happy to hear from her, I couldn't share the excitement she felt to hear that I had passed. I had never felt this numb vacancy before. And it lasted for days. And slowly it ebbed. And finally, I write it.