On Break, partly through the holidays, and feeling a little loose with no schedule to keep. The time can be freeing if I use it well, including making myself relax. Get ahead on my independent project, presentations for the winter trip, straighten out my place that has developed a semester-crush look, push to get some jobs now since the time to work will be even more limited than the fall semester.
The time can also haunt with thoughts I don't want to consider. I find I'm also getting the senior class thoughts that invade when half the year is over and the realization that the remaining half will thunder down the track paralleling the need to figure out what I'll be doing at the end. . . get the resume primed and sent to all the places I want to apply for jobs. Ugh, reality. When I decided to do this program, my goal was to do the program for reasons not necessarily job related. Can I keep that philosophy? Do I need to figure out all the answers now? Is that even possible? Will I even be able to get a job in the field? Do I want a job in the field?
Back to school 1/19. Winter trip early Feb. I've never been out in the cold day and night. Well, I've never done any of what I've already done this year. I wonder what I'll determine I've learned from all of this. Maybe I just need to prove that I can do it. Maybe I'm just trying to give myself the opportunities I never had, before I can't do them at all. Yep, all that trite just do it, mid-life crisis stuff. I'm actually on the far side of mid-life. Time ain't on my side.
Okay, upside. Anne reminded me once when I was whining that I am not working my desk job. Yes! I did that for myself. I am fully participating in life. I just need to keep participating on Break--even relaxing is participating. It's all about my choices. Make them intentional so that I choose to do whatever I need or want to in a given moment. Moments are time. Moments are my time. This is my time. Choose with intent, even intent to rest.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
What I Am Getting Myself Into
In thinking about next semester's courses, I went onto Blackboard to review details. Field trips include mountaineering from which I've opted out. I'd like an afternoon of ice climbing to see what it's about but I don't need to experience plowing through chest deep snow and long periods of fear as I hope I throw an ice axe deeply enough into the ice to hold me as I climb. . . and then there's the climb. Also a Maine sea kayaking trip. My dry suit and rescue pfd arrived on Monday. Anna helped me to get into the suit. It's a 2 person effort and will definitely take some getting used to. The neck needs some major adjusting since I felt like someone's hands were around my throat choking me. I need to get to a pool and acclimate myself. I need to learn to relax. I remember hearing that infants hold their breath when their chests hit the water as they learn to swim--I suck in my breath. I have much preparation to do for all these endeavors. Don't panic. You won't be doing them simultaneously.
Individual Conferences
Tuesday, December 15
Had individual conferences. We split according to White Mountain groups so I was with Beth. Results below though I don't remember them all. Some of it was good. Some disappointing. I know I had at least one other high pass. Beth said I'm doing really well on the concepts and that I need to improve my technical skills. (I'm reminded of the WRF course bubble.) She knows I'm my own biggest obstacle. Thinks I learned early that I can only learn certain things in a certain way. I told her I could learn them and do them blindfolded. I just need a particular environment where I can go back for reinforcement when I forget; write it down or have someone on hand. But, I was also tested at MHC for learning issues since I could never get past a certain point with languages and needed an alternative. I took Spanish in high school and at HCC and would start off with As and by the 2nd semester start dropping as it became more complicated with tenses etc. until I would be failing. The testing affirmed my learning struggles. With a dismal academic history, when I finally was motivated for college, I adapted my learning so I would be successful. Eventually, bring on the blindfold, damn it.
I've signed out a stove and rope gear over Break. And, I need to climb the classroom wall. The one time I tried it, I just didn't feel strong enough and compared myself to the other monkeys climbing. (Beth has reminded me not to compare to others but to where I started.) I also need to fall purposely in the harness like I did on the Catwalk, so I get used to the feel of hanging and trusting. And I need to ask someone to belay me. I feel like I'm taking up space and time when someone else could be doing it. That is so typical of me and so many women. This is one of my learnings. Take up space in this world, damn it, and without apology!
Had individual conferences. We split according to White Mountain groups so I was with Beth. Results below though I don't remember them all. Some of it was good. Some disappointing. I know I had at least one other high pass. Beth said I'm doing really well on the concepts and that I need to improve my technical skills. (I'm reminded of the WRF course bubble.) She knows I'm my own biggest obstacle. Thinks I learned early that I can only learn certain things in a certain way. I told her I could learn them and do them blindfolded. I just need a particular environment where I can go back for reinforcement when I forget; write it down or have someone on hand. But, I was also tested at MHC for learning issues since I could never get past a certain point with languages and needed an alternative. I took Spanish in high school and at HCC and would start off with As and by the 2nd semester start dropping as it became more complicated with tenses etc. until I would be failing. The testing affirmed my learning struggles. With a dismal academic history, when I finally was motivated for college, I adapted my learning so I would be successful. Eventually, bring on the blindfold, damn it.
- LNT-Leave No Trace Principles-High Pass
- Natural History-Pass
- WFR Soap Notes-didn't differentiate between frost nip and frost bite and consequences-Pass
- Risk Management/Ethics-At least a pass, maybe a high pass
- Orienteering-Didn't do it well but learned in the process. Pass or low pass
- Stoves-Pass
- Rock Climbing-No Pass sigh
- Tarps-Pass first time I've actually set one up by myself and relatively properly so that feels like an accomplishment
I've signed out a stove and rope gear over Break. And, I need to climb the classroom wall. The one time I tried it, I just didn't feel strong enough and compared myself to the other monkeys climbing. (Beth has reminded me not to compare to others but to where I started.) I also need to fall purposely in the harness like I did on the Catwalk, so I get used to the feel of hanging and trusting. And I need to ask someone to belay me. I feel like I'm taking up space and time when someone else could be doing it. That is so typical of me and so many women. This is one of my learnings. Take up space in this world, damn it, and without apology!
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Fall Assessments
Monday, December 7Since cleaning and repair of MSR Whisper Lite camp stoves will be on assessments (kinder and gentler name for exams) and we may not have had experience with that yet, Beth does a demo so that we can then do the same. The afternoon will be time to ask questions or practice shaky skills. I'm feeling shaky for personal reasons and having had about 1 hour of sleep. Ask me to take something apart on a good day and I'd be running and screaming. Ask me today, and I periodically fall apart. Not good and Beth tells me I'm "taking this all too seriously." But in the end, I remember most of what Beth shows us and take apart and clean the stove. Austin is available for ropes questions and I ask some of what I need there, still shaky. I try setting something up but am struggling and Austin notices, too. Damn, just need to get out. And, the construction guys break a water main so we all get out.
The old practice rope I have from class has no flex so it's worthless. I buy a piece of rope on my way home and practice knots and rope system set ups in my kitchen. I refer to the field guide and try to remember what institutional rappels and climbs looked like out on the rocks. I keep tying anchor knots: double bowlines with back-up barrels, figure 8s on a bite, combos of wraps and half hitches. There's no way I can practice from the online demo 'cause it's too fast and they have different names. Within the class, there must be a dozen different ways to tie the same knot. I needed to master one way so have been using Austin's demo. I wish I had signed out some carabiners and ATCs so I could finish a whole system. I need to understand the principles behind the setups--the physics and geometry of it all. Maybe I can over Break.
Tuesday, December 8
Assessments include written and hands-on skills assessments. My plan is to get the written work out of the way in the morning, as well as the stoves and orienteering, so that I can concentrate on the ropes without distraction in the afternoon. I had no idea how off target that plan was! Got a few hours more sleep than the previous night.
LNT-Leave No Trace Principles
List and describe the LNT principles which are basic to our expedition learning.
WFR Soap Notes
We are given 2 medical scenarios and need to diagnose and write the anticipated treatment and problems on our soap notes.
Risk Management/Ethics
Write it in class or at home. I think these were 2 different scenarios but I can only remember 1 in the moment.
Scenario. I'm a rock climbing instructor to whom a co-leader has been assigned to run a class. All seems well in planning but out at the site, the co-leader is careless and downplays safety to the group. What do you do?
Use my time well. I take mine home and return it next morning.
Orienteering
I get out on Orienteering since "stoves" already has a wait list. Beth tells me to find #2 on the map and draw a picture of it on my card and bring it back to her. I see on my map that it's not too far from the building. I take a bearing and start off toward the challenge course but remember that I should have shot to a target rather than the general direction so that I can leap frog from point to point. I head back to give it another shot but as I walk with "Red Fred in the shed but follow the directional arrow," the red needle shifts and sends me further west and up a short steep hill that takes me into the woods and off trail. I follow this for a while, questioning if I did this right but the needle keeps moving me up steep hills. I check the map from time to time but don't pay as close attention as I should. When I finally do pay more attention to the contours and handrails, I'm 90% sure that I'm way off track but close to a road. I may as well get to the road before I turn around only to find that I was 20' from where I needed to be to find my target.
Okay, so I'm looking at what turns out to be Rt. 2. And I look at the map again and confirm that I'm way off track. I also realize that I'm wearing mittens with a magnetic snap. Don't do that! I'm laughing as I head back, figuring Beth must wonder where the hell I went off to. I consider looking for #s 4 and 5 since I may be closer to them than my assignment, but head back toward where I should have landed and eventually find #2. I bring it in to Beth after 55 minutes out. She had gone out looking for me. I told her what happened. I told her I was laughing. She knew. She sent me back out to find 4 and 5 and I took her dog Marley with me for a romp. If I had to chase Marley down, Beth was going to have to spot me some time!
Didn't do it well but learned in the process.
Stoves
Kate is assessing the stove area; 3 stoves, 3 people at a time. I've gone there a few times but with the wait, checked back periodically while doing natural history. Kate tells me to take the pump apart and lube it. I need to use pliers on one piece that just won't turn. I suggest that I not actually lube the 3 O-rings since they're already wet. That I found them was enough and I successfully reassemble the pump. Then I have to attach the pump to the fuel bottle and those to the stove and light it up. . . safely. It's successful but with an erratic flame. I'm asked what might cause the problem and how might I solve it. Well, the first tried and true is to knock the stove on the ground a few times to loosen up any stuck particles or gunk. If that doesn't work you could. . . . Kate says not to over think it. The reason is really simple. Oh, the fuel is almost empty! Yay. I passed. And, I get to go inside. It's freezing out here and I packed my clothing for the demo we need to do, but foolishly forgot about it in the classroom.
Natural History
Identify various trees and plants flagged on campus. If we don't know them, we can use the field guide, another part of our learning. Rarely does anything look similar so we must use pictures with written descriptions.
Since the leaves are dead and on the ground (mixed with leaves blown from other trees), we can get a better view of the branching to determine if it's alternating or opposite. . . that's my positive framing of not having live leaves on trees. Most trees are alternating except for the MADOG trees which have opposite branches: maples, ashes and dogwoods (1 or 2 exceptions). With a few other exceptions, the brown or gray barks look too similar to me to distinguish. I argue with myself and the guide, debating the characteristics for way too long. On the Raquette River trip, Ian gave me a great way to identify White Pines. Whites have bundles of 5 needles vs 2. The Beatles "White Album" has 5 letters in the word White. Ian has an affinity for classic rock. Well, there ya go. Later, I'm looking at another conifer and read that Hemlocks have 2 white stripes on the needle underside. Really? I had to scrutinize but, yep, Hemlock it is.
I'm starting to appreciate what I've never paid attention to in nature. I might go out with a guidebook someday and look at more. Teachable moments on the trail don't stay with me and, in theory, I should have been learning this stuff over the course of the semester. The only way I'd learn it is the way I'm doing it now--book in hand and studying. So much of the semester I felt like I spent time shopping for gear. . . it's own learning experience. At least now I'll stop calling all conifers "pines" for shorthand. I didn't know it then, but since I only got to about 3 trees that day, Beth insisted I go out again the next day--too many blanks. Sometimes people need more time and I appreciated that she pushed me. . .despite the frigid temps and wind. And I wasn't feeling well, still not sleeping much and feeling weak and nauseous, common when I'm overtired.
Wednesday, December 9
Canoeing
Beth made a model canoe and had two plastic spoons for paddles. Some concern was expressed later in class about using a model with spoons vs a real paddle. Beth said it's a typical learning tool to accommodate other learning styles. We needed to demonstrate the direction and synchronicity for the bow and stern paddlers to accomplish certain maneuvers. Then we needed to describe and show "novices" how to paddle. Beth said I did a great job and was the first one to nail the paddle position and torso rotation to get the maximum power.
Clothing/Equipment
Really, this was a 10 min "proper clothing" demo to first time backpackers on a 5 day trip in early October. I took 15 min and Kate told me that even though my $15 Salvation Army, looks-like-new soft-shell jacket says that it's waterproof, she said it will be soaked in a downpour and I'd best bring my shell. Damn. Well, it's still a great find!
Natural History
Continued per Beth. Leaves are now under snow.
Thursday, December 10
Kayak Wet Exits
Written: You will be demonstrating "wet exits" to beginner kayakers. List the talking points and details. I think I did this one well. Using a skirt, make sure that the grab handle is outside the skirt and not tucked inside. Lean forward when I roll. Stay calm. The skirt is likely to pop off and I'm likely to fall out of the cockpit. That's what happened to me so I never had to push my hips out.
Forgot to say hold on and push hips out of boat.
Rock Climbing
Finally, I get to rock climbing. The first day, Austin had run the ropes outside but now that we have snow, to keep the ropes dry and manageable, he has set up 2 stations at the classroom rock wall. He asks me to build an Institutional Top Rope Climb. Okay, don't blank.
I start with the ground anchor below: friction wraps and a double bowline backed up by barrel knots. Follow that with the figure 8 on a bite that will reach the belayer's harness and connect with a carabiner. Add another carabiner to the figure 8 that will also hold the ATC with the belay rope. I'm getting confused since there's lots of rope in a 10' area, none of which is actually up on rocks.
The pretend cliff anchors are little anchors in the wall and had I set them up first it would have alleviated some confusion. I need to set up 2 separate equalized anchors at the top to the master point; always redundancy. The master point is where the two ropes come together with separate carabiners to a figure 8 on a bite and it should fall over the cliff edge to avoid friction and sheer. I add a prusik to the rope and clip in to keep me from falling over the cliff when I walk to the edge and yell "rope" as I drop the rope over the cliff for the climber. Austin appreciates my attention to a point of safety. Austin needs to clarify some parts of the setup. I still don't fully grasp the principles. But, when I look at what I know now compared to what I knew when I started the semester, I've come leaps and bounds. I just need to leap and bound higher.
My first error--I should have set up the top anchors first and then dropped the ropes to set up the ground anchor. I forgot that's what we did on the rocks.
Next, I need to set up an Institutional Belay system. It's similar to the climb except that one of the belay ropes from a top anchor needs to be static so there's no stretch or bounce, separate and releasable. That will be the belay that the rappeler uses. That's what I used when I was nearly passing out on my rappel. The other rope will be the redundancy back-up belay that will be used by the belayer up on the cliff. That's what Erin used.
No pass--In this moment, I intend to set these systems up over January so that I feel competent in the spring. Have signed out ropes, carabiners, ATCs and a prusik to practice over Break.
Natural History
Beth sends me out again. . . .
Friday, December 11
Boat Tie-Downs and Trailer Hitch
Austin is running the boat tie-downs and the trailer hitch segments. I go out to start the boat tie-down and blank on my trucker's hitch followed by half hitches. I jump off the trailer and yell to Austin that I've blanked and will be back. Damn. And now I have to wait again.
I come back and Austin asks me to do the trailer hook-up while others finish the boats. Whoa. I forgot to think more about the trailer hitch as needing review. I haven't really seen this since late Sept or early Oct. Oh, yeah, crank the wheel up to clear the hitch and make sure I line up right over it. The trailer rocks but I manage to line it up and let it drop. I need to connect the chains and I remember conversations about not twisting them because it could cause the trailer to jack-knife. But I twist them a bit to shorten them and then I'm looking for a lock. I forget that the hooks drop over the eyes in the hitch. I'm kind of drowning for what to do next. Austin comes over and I tell him what's stumping me. He shows me. Duh. And the electrical system is missing but this one's different 'cause it's Austin's car rather than the college van. I connect that. Now I just have to deal with the wheel. I crank it up but don't remember what to do next. Austin again has to show me that it folds up. "Well, I guess a few things were missing here," he says. Yeah, just a few.
This should have been so easy and I'm reminded of returning from the White Mountains trip. When I drove the van and trailer home from the backpacking trip, I fully intended to back the trailer up to it's holding place and unhitch. I'd never had that experience and wanted it. But when we got here, one of the guys who said he would guide me back yelled, "Just stop here. We're going to unhitch." Disappointed, I let the sound of an "authoritative" voice stop me. I mistakenly thought it was probably Beth's directive. I was pretty angry to learn later that it wasn't when she came to the driver's window and said, "Eileen. Don't let the young 'uns steal your opportunities." I had told her I wanted to do it. Why did I think she would have directed otherwise? So, that would have been a reminder opportunity on the trailer and I let it go by. Don't let that happen again!
No pass. Damn, should have been so easy.
Boat tie down went okay this time around although the ropes were so stiff from the cold, I had a hard time tightening and making them stay. Pull the rope behind a vertical trailer brace to position the rope properly over the boat. Start the trucker's knot up high so that when I wrap the rope under the trailer arm and pull, the knot will stay up high on the boat. Austin showed me a different way to finish the knot by running the rope under the trailer arm again that helped to keep the tension true. I need to get clarification on it again, though.
Tarps
Setting up tarps was timed and Kate was inspecting. I've been of the "if you don't know the knot tie a lot" philosophy when it comes to tarp knots. Today I needed to do better and had asked Austin what he uses to tie tarps. He does a few friction wraps, a half hitch and a slippery half hitch--that's a half hitch on a bite. We had no stakes so had to find a usable spot with trees and sticks to set up in the snow. It had to be a bad weather tarp which meant set up low for wind and rain. Most sticks I used broke with pressure. Eventually, I had a pretty good setup and had never done one by myself. Kate said the center could have been a little higher for rain runoff but all in all was good.
The old practice rope I have from class has no flex so it's worthless. I buy a piece of rope on my way home and practice knots and rope system set ups in my kitchen. I refer to the field guide and try to remember what institutional rappels and climbs looked like out on the rocks. I keep tying anchor knots: double bowlines with back-up barrels, figure 8s on a bite, combos of wraps and half hitches. There's no way I can practice from the online demo 'cause it's too fast and they have different names. Within the class, there must be a dozen different ways to tie the same knot. I needed to master one way so have been using Austin's demo. I wish I had signed out some carabiners and ATCs so I could finish a whole system. I need to understand the principles behind the setups--the physics and geometry of it all. Maybe I can over Break.
Tuesday, December 8
Assessments include written and hands-on skills assessments. My plan is to get the written work out of the way in the morning, as well as the stoves and orienteering, so that I can concentrate on the ropes without distraction in the afternoon. I had no idea how off target that plan was! Got a few hours more sleep than the previous night.
LNT-Leave No Trace Principles
List and describe the LNT principles which are basic to our expedition learning.
WFR Soap Notes
We are given 2 medical scenarios and need to diagnose and write the anticipated treatment and problems on our soap notes.
Risk Management/Ethics
Write it in class or at home. I think these were 2 different scenarios but I can only remember 1 in the moment.
Scenario. I'm a rock climbing instructor to whom a co-leader has been assigned to run a class. All seems well in planning but out at the site, the co-leader is careless and downplays safety to the group. What do you do?
Use my time well. I take mine home and return it next morning.
Orienteering
I get out on Orienteering since "stoves" already has a wait list. Beth tells me to find #2 on the map and draw a picture of it on my card and bring it back to her. I see on my map that it's not too far from the building. I take a bearing and start off toward the challenge course but remember that I should have shot to a target rather than the general direction so that I can leap frog from point to point. I head back to give it another shot but as I walk with "Red Fred in the shed but follow the directional arrow," the red needle shifts and sends me further west and up a short steep hill that takes me into the woods and off trail. I follow this for a while, questioning if I did this right but the needle keeps moving me up steep hills. I check the map from time to time but don't pay as close attention as I should. When I finally do pay more attention to the contours and handrails, I'm 90% sure that I'm way off track but close to a road. I may as well get to the road before I turn around only to find that I was 20' from where I needed to be to find my target.
Okay, so I'm looking at what turns out to be Rt. 2. And I look at the map again and confirm that I'm way off track. I also realize that I'm wearing mittens with a magnetic snap. Don't do that! I'm laughing as I head back, figuring Beth must wonder where the hell I went off to. I consider looking for #s 4 and 5 since I may be closer to them than my assignment, but head back toward where I should have landed and eventually find #2. I bring it in to Beth after 55 minutes out. She had gone out looking for me. I told her what happened. I told her I was laughing. She knew. She sent me back out to find 4 and 5 and I took her dog Marley with me for a romp. If I had to chase Marley down, Beth was going to have to spot me some time!
Didn't do it well but learned in the process.
Stoves
Kate is assessing the stove area; 3 stoves, 3 people at a time. I've gone there a few times but with the wait, checked back periodically while doing natural history. Kate tells me to take the pump apart and lube it. I need to use pliers on one piece that just won't turn. I suggest that I not actually lube the 3 O-rings since they're already wet. That I found them was enough and I successfully reassemble the pump. Then I have to attach the pump to the fuel bottle and those to the stove and light it up. . . safely. It's successful but with an erratic flame. I'm asked what might cause the problem and how might I solve it. Well, the first tried and true is to knock the stove on the ground a few times to loosen up any stuck particles or gunk. If that doesn't work you could. . . . Kate says not to over think it. The reason is really simple. Oh, the fuel is almost empty! Yay. I passed. And, I get to go inside. It's freezing out here and I packed my clothing for the demo we need to do, but foolishly forgot about it in the classroom.
Natural History
Identify various trees and plants flagged on campus. If we don't know them, we can use the field guide, another part of our learning. Rarely does anything look similar so we must use pictures with written descriptions.
Since the leaves are dead and on the ground (mixed with leaves blown from other trees), we can get a better view of the branching to determine if it's alternating or opposite. . . that's my positive framing of not having live leaves on trees. Most trees are alternating except for the MADOG trees which have opposite branches: maples, ashes and dogwoods (1 or 2 exceptions). With a few other exceptions, the brown or gray barks look too similar to me to distinguish. I argue with myself and the guide, debating the characteristics for way too long. On the Raquette River trip, Ian gave me a great way to identify White Pines. Whites have bundles of 5 needles vs 2. The Beatles "White Album" has 5 letters in the word White. Ian has an affinity for classic rock. Well, there ya go. Later, I'm looking at another conifer and read that Hemlocks have 2 white stripes on the needle underside. Really? I had to scrutinize but, yep, Hemlock it is.
I'm starting to appreciate what I've never paid attention to in nature. I might go out with a guidebook someday and look at more. Teachable moments on the trail don't stay with me and, in theory, I should have been learning this stuff over the course of the semester. The only way I'd learn it is the way I'm doing it now--book in hand and studying. So much of the semester I felt like I spent time shopping for gear. . . it's own learning experience. At least now I'll stop calling all conifers "pines" for shorthand. I didn't know it then, but since I only got to about 3 trees that day, Beth insisted I go out again the next day--too many blanks. Sometimes people need more time and I appreciated that she pushed me. . .despite the frigid temps and wind. And I wasn't feeling well, still not sleeping much and feeling weak and nauseous, common when I'm overtired.
Wednesday, December 9
Canoeing
Beth made a model canoe and had two plastic spoons for paddles. Some concern was expressed later in class about using a model with spoons vs a real paddle. Beth said it's a typical learning tool to accommodate other learning styles. We needed to demonstrate the direction and synchronicity for the bow and stern paddlers to accomplish certain maneuvers. Then we needed to describe and show "novices" how to paddle. Beth said I did a great job and was the first one to nail the paddle position and torso rotation to get the maximum power.
Clothing/Equipment
Really, this was a 10 min "proper clothing" demo to first time backpackers on a 5 day trip in early October. I took 15 min and Kate told me that even though my $15 Salvation Army, looks-like-new soft-shell jacket says that it's waterproof, she said it will be soaked in a downpour and I'd best bring my shell. Damn. Well, it's still a great find!
Natural History
Continued per Beth. Leaves are now under snow.
Thursday, December 10
Kayak Wet Exits
Written: You will be demonstrating "wet exits" to beginner kayakers. List the talking points and details. I think I did this one well. Using a skirt, make sure that the grab handle is outside the skirt and not tucked inside. Lean forward when I roll. Stay calm. The skirt is likely to pop off and I'm likely to fall out of the cockpit. That's what happened to me so I never had to push my hips out.
Forgot to say hold on and push hips out of boat.
Rock Climbing
Finally, I get to rock climbing. The first day, Austin had run the ropes outside but now that we have snow, to keep the ropes dry and manageable, he has set up 2 stations at the classroom rock wall. He asks me to build an Institutional Top Rope Climb. Okay, don't blank.
I start with the ground anchor below: friction wraps and a double bowline backed up by barrel knots. Follow that with the figure 8 on a bite that will reach the belayer's harness and connect with a carabiner. Add another carabiner to the figure 8 that will also hold the ATC with the belay rope. I'm getting confused since there's lots of rope in a 10' area, none of which is actually up on rocks.
The pretend cliff anchors are little anchors in the wall and had I set them up first it would have alleviated some confusion. I need to set up 2 separate equalized anchors at the top to the master point; always redundancy. The master point is where the two ropes come together with separate carabiners to a figure 8 on a bite and it should fall over the cliff edge to avoid friction and sheer. I add a prusik to the rope and clip in to keep me from falling over the cliff when I walk to the edge and yell "rope" as I drop the rope over the cliff for the climber. Austin appreciates my attention to a point of safety. Austin needs to clarify some parts of the setup. I still don't fully grasp the principles. But, when I look at what I know now compared to what I knew when I started the semester, I've come leaps and bounds. I just need to leap and bound higher.
My first error--I should have set up the top anchors first and then dropped the ropes to set up the ground anchor. I forgot that's what we did on the rocks.
Next, I need to set up an Institutional Belay system. It's similar to the climb except that one of the belay ropes from a top anchor needs to be static so there's no stretch or bounce, separate and releasable. That will be the belay that the rappeler uses. That's what I used when I was nearly passing out on my rappel. The other rope will be the redundancy back-up belay that will be used by the belayer up on the cliff. That's what Erin used.
No pass--In this moment, I intend to set these systems up over January so that I feel competent in the spring. Have signed out ropes, carabiners, ATCs and a prusik to practice over Break.
Natural History
Beth sends me out again. . . .
Friday, December 11
Boat Tie-Downs and Trailer Hitch
Austin is running the boat tie-downs and the trailer hitch segments. I go out to start the boat tie-down and blank on my trucker's hitch followed by half hitches. I jump off the trailer and yell to Austin that I've blanked and will be back. Damn. And now I have to wait again.
I come back and Austin asks me to do the trailer hook-up while others finish the boats. Whoa. I forgot to think more about the trailer hitch as needing review. I haven't really seen this since late Sept or early Oct. Oh, yeah, crank the wheel up to clear the hitch and make sure I line up right over it. The trailer rocks but I manage to line it up and let it drop. I need to connect the chains and I remember conversations about not twisting them because it could cause the trailer to jack-knife. But I twist them a bit to shorten them and then I'm looking for a lock. I forget that the hooks drop over the eyes in the hitch. I'm kind of drowning for what to do next. Austin comes over and I tell him what's stumping me. He shows me. Duh. And the electrical system is missing but this one's different 'cause it's Austin's car rather than the college van. I connect that. Now I just have to deal with the wheel. I crank it up but don't remember what to do next. Austin again has to show me that it folds up. "Well, I guess a few things were missing here," he says. Yeah, just a few.
This should have been so easy and I'm reminded of returning from the White Mountains trip. When I drove the van and trailer home from the backpacking trip, I fully intended to back the trailer up to it's holding place and unhitch. I'd never had that experience and wanted it. But when we got here, one of the guys who said he would guide me back yelled, "Just stop here. We're going to unhitch." Disappointed, I let the sound of an "authoritative" voice stop me. I mistakenly thought it was probably Beth's directive. I was pretty angry to learn later that it wasn't when she came to the driver's window and said, "Eileen. Don't let the young 'uns steal your opportunities." I had told her I wanted to do it. Why did I think she would have directed otherwise? So, that would have been a reminder opportunity on the trailer and I let it go by. Don't let that happen again!
No pass. Damn, should have been so easy.
Boat tie down went okay this time around although the ropes were so stiff from the cold, I had a hard time tightening and making them stay. Pull the rope behind a vertical trailer brace to position the rope properly over the boat. Start the trucker's knot up high so that when I wrap the rope under the trailer arm and pull, the knot will stay up high on the boat. Austin showed me a different way to finish the knot by running the rope under the trailer arm again that helped to keep the tension true. I need to get clarification on it again, though.
Tarps
Setting up tarps was timed and Kate was inspecting. I've been of the "if you don't know the knot tie a lot" philosophy when it comes to tarp knots. Today I needed to do better and had asked Austin what he uses to tie tarps. He does a few friction wraps, a half hitch and a slippery half hitch--that's a half hitch on a bite. We had no stakes so had to find a usable spot with trees and sticks to set up in the snow. It had to be a bad weather tarp which meant set up low for wind and rain. Most sticks I used broke with pressure. Eventually, I had a pretty good setup and had never done one by myself. Kate said the center could have been a little higher for rain runoff but all in all was good.
Friday, December 4, 2009
WFR Training Course-Relived
Traumatized by my prerequisite Wilderness First Responder course just a few days after leaving my job in August, a few months shy of 20 years and prior to starting the Outdoor Leadership Program, I am finally able to transfer my journal notes in hopes of some letting go.
Friday, August 21, '09 Day 3 of 8
Brain fog at 5 a.m. Pull clothing together since I didn't manage it last night. Kitchen table and living room hold the material remnants of MHC, parting gifts from almost 20 years as employee and part-time student. The transition from MHC to OLP has left no time for reflection as I choose between a can of baby peas or organic veg soup for breakfast. One of the 2 pears has not yet rotted and the apple is stuffed into my day pack. I start a new pile of dishes in the sink--3 days worth were washed up last night. I don't live like this. Well, I do now.
Shot off an email of phrases describing my WFR 12+ hour days. Walking to the parking lot after 5, I shed my first of many anticipated tears. Fears of not cutting it in WFR would mean not completing OLP-not even starting. Finally announced to myself that failure is not an option. We gave each other shots of saline on Thursday, Day 2. We did what?! Expected. Just do it.
Talked seizures to death and can't find a word to say about them now. Learned spine immobilization, clearing a spine and litter evac--wrap 'em up and get 'em out.
Saturday, August 22
Think I came close to acing the "clearing spines" quiz. Lecture on dislocations and role play of same. Later simulation of rescue. I got a pt with ASR and chest pain. I should have been to her side instead of in front 'cause she could have vomited on me. I was purposely blocking her view of her traumatized rock climbing friends. They filmed us and asked us Qs and that's when I started my own mental block and ASR.
They've made references to it being tough when you've been out of school a long time. They're assuming I haven't been in school for a lot more years than is reality. I need to remind myself that I held my own and graduated with honors.
All in all, I feel more in control of the content, where to find info in which books, etc. though I haven't kept up with all the homework. I'm amazed at how much I've learned in these few days. I'm not sure I want this responsibility in real life but here I am. . . growth. Now sleep.
Sunday, August 23
Hypothermia and hyperthermia, salt loss name? And then wounds. Pictures in color and on large screen.
Oh, and a cool video of a researcher who skied into a hole in a frozen lake--purposely. He shows he could stay alive up to 10 minutes by not thrashing and shows how to get out. In fact, he got out and rolled back in again. Also showed if you get your arms up high onto the ice, they may freeze and hold you until help arrives.
WOUNDS
But back to wounds. Had to irrigate (clean) "wounds" in chicken legs--they had been randomly cut and the punctures stuffed with dirt--which became mud 30 seconds into the sim as buckets suddenly poured down. One vegan student asked to be excused from the exercise but was not. I had been anxious and tears had started during the slides and now I had to deal with pseudo human parts complete with "blood" served up on a little paper plate. Grab yer gloves, a tiny plastic fork and knife and have at it! I did. First we a filled a zip bag with H2O and needed to puncture a hole in the corner to serve as a pressure syringe. I stuck my syringe zip bag and ended up with 4 holes instead of one. Now 4 streams shot out of the bag. The instructor came over and tried to fix it but succeeded in adding 4 more holes on the other corner so I now had 8 streams of H2O--going anywhere but hitting their mark. After he walked away, my frustration and anger got the better of me and I dug in with the plastic knife, stabbing and mutilating the chicken leg, flinging it onto the plate in hanging pieces. (I'm sorry vegans and vegs. Especially sorry to the chicken.) I had to walk away to breathe again. We were all soaked to the skin. I was sure no one saw me lose it.
Then the sim. On the way to prep, Greg an instructor, caught up and saw I was upset. He talked with me and said don't let it beat you and told me of his own challenges (struggle over victory--Ace of Swords). He apparently passed the word because all 3 instructors talked with me. Both embarrassing and supportive. I wasn't sure why the wounds section was so upsetting. I kept thinking about the times Kurt ended up in the hospital for one thing or another--fell off a playground ladder and broke his scapula, a few rides over his bike handlebars with cuts, broken collar bone, bruising and bandages. The worst was losing a piece of his finger in the lawn mower. I wanted to slap the nurses for hurting him as they cleaned his wounds. Yeah, I know they had to. I still wanted to slap them. They never knew it because I wanted to stay with Kurt and not be thrown out of the room. Even in pediatrics as a kid or a parent, I would hear babies or kids cry and feel angry at whomever was causing them pain or fear. . . didn't matter the benefit.
The sim. I had an impaled arm--I fell on a screw that went through and stayed in my arm.
Monday, August 24
Arrived about 7:40 a.m. and Greg and Paul were outside. Greg said he had a song cued up for me in his truck--"Come on Eileen." Very cool. I got in too late so maybe I'll catch him tomorrow. Paul asked how I was and I said I was reframeing things. Asked if I needed help before class (we've been meeting for a few days) but I said I had some things to go over and I'd find him if need be.
Paul presented altitude sickness and since he's a climber, he showed us his Dinali (Alaska) slides and talked in reference to those. He was clearly jazzed--had an adrenaline rush, somewhat breathless and talked faster than usual. Greg talked about lightening and Dave talked about bites and toxins.
P.M. went out and tried various ways to carry someone out on our backs. . . .rope seat, tarp seat, web harness. Man! Couldn't go far. Overall, much better day. Ok on quiz but didn't see a part of the Q on the board so missed part of the answer.
Austin and Beth stopped in today. Beth wants me to start workstudy soon--Thurs or Fri. I'll let her know.
No homework tonight so caught up some with review and did some soap notes. Wrote up some Qs for the a.m. Most now is review. Some we'll likely read on our own. Not ready for quiz. Exams will be 50 Qs multiple choice. Must get an 80 to pass. Joe is counting on multiple choice.
Tuesday, August 25
Rodeo "speed dating" on Back Country Medicine. . . sinus infection, pregnancy, UTIs, Giardia and it goes on and on. Not enough time to come to anticipated problems and treatment so you're on the line to come up with it. Afternoon, more slides about something I've forgotten at this point. Just how valuable is this pace? There is no time to process why something is or to make it my own. I'm memorizing and how long will that stay with me? Where is the value? We need to be able to think on our feet in the wilderness but I'm not convinced that cramming material makes a valuable WFR.
Then we had a simulation up in the woods. I volunteered to be a rescuer 'cause it's the only way I'll learn. I had an unstable ankle pt sitting near a snake. I got a secondary rescuer to help move her and instructed how to support her to a safer place. No sooner do I start checking her, than I turn and see my secondary seizing on the ground. I leave the ankle to check the seizure but remember there's nothing to do but let him "do his thing" and protect his head from the surroundings. I called for help and the leader held his head, asked if I saw him fall which I didn't. Her tone was measured and calm and I heard it as a voice of condescending authority indicating that I was not acting properly and forgot to hold his head. He started to puke so we both turned him but, in fact, 1 instructor said you could hold their head but another didn't feel it necessary. She sat him up and was going to leave him with me. Since I now had 2 pts, I said I want him laying down so if he seizes again, he won't fall and hit his head.
When I turned back to the ankle pt, she was unconscious. I blanked about what to do and finally Dave came over and reminded me about STOPEATS. I determined sugar was needed so got some glucose but that's really the only place I messed up. I became so frustrated with how I couldn't splint her ankle but the fact is, it was the first time I ever had a SAM splint in my hand. I referred to the fieldguide about wrapping and taping and took apart what I had done because I remembered hearing not to wrap the circumference because it wouldn't allow for swelling and would loosen in 20 minutes or less. I struggled with the splint and couldn't find the pix in the guide--don't like it for quick reference. Knowing it wasn't good, Dave asked if I thought it would support her. I said no, so he said do it over. This time I used the stretchy tape and came up with a wrap that would hold up. I was the last one done; messed around a bit with vitals.
I was told "good call" when I said I couldn't transport her myself for 5 miles and asked for a secondary. Also for spotting the rubber snake which they said others had missed. Fact is, I saw it, laughed with disdain and mentioned it to the pt but ignored it. We didn't move from it until I told the Incident Commander, "Look, they even hid a rubber snake."
"You have to move now," she said urgently. It's a rubber snake and the implication just didn't register.
Dave took me aside after and told me it was an unfair test throwing 2 pts my way but that I handled it well and I should feel good about how I did.
"It's not about fair it's just what was," I said, not accepting the consideration.
He reiterated, "There's fair and there's unfair. You had unfair."
Then he said, "Paul's talked with you about being on the bubble."
"No," I said, "what's that?"
Apparently the bubble is sports terminology and means I could slide either way in terms of passing the skills part of the course. I was stunned but didn't let on--like I always do. I did say, "So passing is not just based on the exam?"
"You did real good today and if you can come out and do great tomorrow, or even good, you'll be in good shape."
The sim being unfair makes me figure I was set up. I finally said, "Well, you guys call the shots so if you say it was unfair and I did really well (pistons firing) then so be it."
Exam is tomorrow afternoon.
Back in class we had to watch a video of the scenario. I just felt worse and worse wanting to cry. At the end they asked who expected to need more time with the exam so I and a few others said we did. Then I headed out. Greg called down the hall, "Good job today" but I was too upset to acknowledge. I felt confused and in turmoil, wanted to talk with them but didn't. Once in my car I left in tears but turned back figuring this was the best place to study. Avoided them by going in the back door.
Couldn't stop crying. Called Georgia but no answer. Took a chance and called Anna--new acquaintance in class. We talked a bit while I cried. I really opened and took a chance with her. Hope I didn't blow it. G called back so we talked quite a while. I was spouting all kinds of medical jargon and she, a doctor, couldn't believe what I had learned in 8 days, nor could she understand the value of the pace. The cardinal rule in med school had been that you need to hear something 3 times, including teaching the subject, before something will stay with you. I called her back later with the insight that I was feeling vulnerable with these 3 guys. All week I've told them my Qs and weaknesses and now they hold the power of not passing me in the course. They always have held that power but now it feels like an element of betrayal and unsafe.
I have to work with my head to make it through tomorrow. If I fail, I've decided, I may have a bigger lesson to learn. Failure and imperfection are okay, I assure myself, and I will survive. I am still a valuable human being and not passing won't change that or take away all that I've learned.
Wednesday, August 26 11:11 p.m.
Just fell into bed. Exhausted.
I PASSED MY WFR COURSE!!
I write large and celebratory because I should feel that way but don't. Too beat and still feelings linger. On the drive to school today, I called Mary M and said I needed an Amazon Womon connection. Talked for quite a while. She laughed and remembered a picture of Ferron and Bitch that she got for me from Michigan. She thought they looked fierce so I took their images with me through my day. And, I think the Universe guided me to the dislocation I got for the simulation because I was able to relocate and sling.
Last day and still they squeeze in yet another topic--diving injuries. I checked out on that one though. Tried to pull myself back a couple of times.
Afternoon exam. Had to leave the room to go somewhere quiet because Paul started packing up boxes while we were doing the exam. Thought I did better. Had to get an 80 but I got an 82. Somebody didn't make it. Got a T-shirt and an envelope of stuff. Thought I read that we paid for a First Aid kit but no. Had to do evaluations. Couldn't construct what I really wanted to say. I'm fried. Had to leave right after 'cause I'm not wanting to talk with anyone, especially instructors. Went to Fin Aid to do the online paperwork--aaahhgg! Just stop. Cut yourself some slack, damn it.
Went to town to meet Mary M. but as I parked and got out of the car, I noticed my breath. I really noticed that I was breathing. It was a visceral realization. I don't have to do this course anymore. It's finished. I walked, disconnectedly down the street and found a grassy spot under a tree. I sat down slowly then sunk to the ground on my back. I felt nothing. I felt no joy in my accomplishment. Susan called as I lay there and while happy to hear from her, I couldn't share the excitement she felt to hear that I had passed. I had never felt this numb vacancy before. And it lasted for days. And slowly it ebbed. And finally, I write it.
Friday, August 21, '09 Day 3 of 8
Brain fog at 5 a.m. Pull clothing together since I didn't manage it last night. Kitchen table and living room hold the material remnants of MHC, parting gifts from almost 20 years as employee and part-time student. The transition from MHC to OLP has left no time for reflection as I choose between a can of baby peas or organic veg soup for breakfast. One of the 2 pears has not yet rotted and the apple is stuffed into my day pack. I start a new pile of dishes in the sink--3 days worth were washed up last night. I don't live like this. Well, I do now.
Shot off an email of phrases describing my WFR 12+ hour days. Walking to the parking lot after 5, I shed my first of many anticipated tears. Fears of not cutting it in WFR would mean not completing OLP-not even starting. Finally announced to myself that failure is not an option. We gave each other shots of saline on Thursday, Day 2. We did what?! Expected. Just do it.
Talked seizures to death and can't find a word to say about them now. Learned spine immobilization, clearing a spine and litter evac--wrap 'em up and get 'em out.
Saturday, August 22
Think I came close to acing the "clearing spines" quiz. Lecture on dislocations and role play of same. Later simulation of rescue. I got a pt with ASR and chest pain. I should have been to her side instead of in front 'cause she could have vomited on me. I was purposely blocking her view of her traumatized rock climbing friends. They filmed us and asked us Qs and that's when I started my own mental block and ASR.
They've made references to it being tough when you've been out of school a long time. They're assuming I haven't been in school for a lot more years than is reality. I need to remind myself that I held my own and graduated with honors.
All in all, I feel more in control of the content, where to find info in which books, etc. though I haven't kept up with all the homework. I'm amazed at how much I've learned in these few days. I'm not sure I want this responsibility in real life but here I am. . . growth. Now sleep.
Sunday, August 23
Hypothermia and hyperthermia, salt loss name? And then wounds. Pictures in color and on large screen.
Oh, and a cool video of a researcher who skied into a hole in a frozen lake--purposely. He shows he could stay alive up to 10 minutes by not thrashing and shows how to get out. In fact, he got out and rolled back in again. Also showed if you get your arms up high onto the ice, they may freeze and hold you until help arrives.
WOUNDS
But back to wounds. Had to irrigate (clean) "wounds" in chicken legs--they had been randomly cut and the punctures stuffed with dirt--which became mud 30 seconds into the sim as buckets suddenly poured down. One vegan student asked to be excused from the exercise but was not. I had been anxious and tears had started during the slides and now I had to deal with pseudo human parts complete with "blood" served up on a little paper plate. Grab yer gloves, a tiny plastic fork and knife and have at it! I did. First we a filled a zip bag with H2O and needed to puncture a hole in the corner to serve as a pressure syringe. I stuck my syringe zip bag and ended up with 4 holes instead of one. Now 4 streams shot out of the bag. The instructor came over and tried to fix it but succeeded in adding 4 more holes on the other corner so I now had 8 streams of H2O--going anywhere but hitting their mark. After he walked away, my frustration and anger got the better of me and I dug in with the plastic knife, stabbing and mutilating the chicken leg, flinging it onto the plate in hanging pieces. (I'm sorry vegans and vegs. Especially sorry to the chicken.) I had to walk away to breathe again. We were all soaked to the skin. I was sure no one saw me lose it.
Then the sim. On the way to prep, Greg an instructor, caught up and saw I was upset. He talked with me and said don't let it beat you and told me of his own challenges (struggle over victory--Ace of Swords). He apparently passed the word because all 3 instructors talked with me. Both embarrassing and supportive. I wasn't sure why the wounds section was so upsetting. I kept thinking about the times Kurt ended up in the hospital for one thing or another--fell off a playground ladder and broke his scapula, a few rides over his bike handlebars with cuts, broken collar bone, bruising and bandages. The worst was losing a piece of his finger in the lawn mower. I wanted to slap the nurses for hurting him as they cleaned his wounds. Yeah, I know they had to. I still wanted to slap them. They never knew it because I wanted to stay with Kurt and not be thrown out of the room. Even in pediatrics as a kid or a parent, I would hear babies or kids cry and feel angry at whomever was causing them pain or fear. . . didn't matter the benefit.
The sim. I had an impaled arm--I fell on a screw that went through and stayed in my arm.
Monday, August 24
Arrived about 7:40 a.m. and Greg and Paul were outside. Greg said he had a song cued up for me in his truck--"Come on Eileen." Very cool. I got in too late so maybe I'll catch him tomorrow. Paul asked how I was and I said I was reframeing things. Asked if I needed help before class (we've been meeting for a few days) but I said I had some things to go over and I'd find him if need be.
Paul presented altitude sickness and since he's a climber, he showed us his Dinali (Alaska) slides and talked in reference to those. He was clearly jazzed--had an adrenaline rush, somewhat breathless and talked faster than usual. Greg talked about lightening and Dave talked about bites and toxins.
P.M. went out and tried various ways to carry someone out on our backs. . . .rope seat, tarp seat, web harness. Man! Couldn't go far. Overall, much better day. Ok on quiz but didn't see a part of the Q on the board so missed part of the answer.
Austin and Beth stopped in today. Beth wants me to start workstudy soon--Thurs or Fri. I'll let her know.
No homework tonight so caught up some with review and did some soap notes. Wrote up some Qs for the a.m. Most now is review. Some we'll likely read on our own. Not ready for quiz. Exams will be 50 Qs multiple choice. Must get an 80 to pass. Joe is counting on multiple choice.
Tuesday, August 25
Rodeo "speed dating" on Back Country Medicine. . . sinus infection, pregnancy, UTIs, Giardia and it goes on and on. Not enough time to come to anticipated problems and treatment so you're on the line to come up with it. Afternoon, more slides about something I've forgotten at this point. Just how valuable is this pace? There is no time to process why something is or to make it my own. I'm memorizing and how long will that stay with me? Where is the value? We need to be able to think on our feet in the wilderness but I'm not convinced that cramming material makes a valuable WFR.
Then we had a simulation up in the woods. I volunteered to be a rescuer 'cause it's the only way I'll learn. I had an unstable ankle pt sitting near a snake. I got a secondary rescuer to help move her and instructed how to support her to a safer place. No sooner do I start checking her, than I turn and see my secondary seizing on the ground. I leave the ankle to check the seizure but remember there's nothing to do but let him "do his thing" and protect his head from the surroundings. I called for help and the leader held his head, asked if I saw him fall which I didn't. Her tone was measured and calm and I heard it as a voice of condescending authority indicating that I was not acting properly and forgot to hold his head. He started to puke so we both turned him but, in fact, 1 instructor said you could hold their head but another didn't feel it necessary. She sat him up and was going to leave him with me. Since I now had 2 pts, I said I want him laying down so if he seizes again, he won't fall and hit his head.
When I turned back to the ankle pt, she was unconscious. I blanked about what to do and finally Dave came over and reminded me about STOPEATS. I determined sugar was needed so got some glucose but that's really the only place I messed up. I became so frustrated with how I couldn't splint her ankle but the fact is, it was the first time I ever had a SAM splint in my hand. I referred to the fieldguide about wrapping and taping and took apart what I had done because I remembered hearing not to wrap the circumference because it wouldn't allow for swelling and would loosen in 20 minutes or less. I struggled with the splint and couldn't find the pix in the guide--don't like it for quick reference. Knowing it wasn't good, Dave asked if I thought it would support her. I said no, so he said do it over. This time I used the stretchy tape and came up with a wrap that would hold up. I was the last one done; messed around a bit with vitals.
I was told "good call" when I said I couldn't transport her myself for 5 miles and asked for a secondary. Also for spotting the rubber snake which they said others had missed. Fact is, I saw it, laughed with disdain and mentioned it to the pt but ignored it. We didn't move from it until I told the Incident Commander, "Look, they even hid a rubber snake."
"You have to move now," she said urgently. It's a rubber snake and the implication just didn't register.
Dave took me aside after and told me it was an unfair test throwing 2 pts my way but that I handled it well and I should feel good about how I did.
"It's not about fair it's just what was," I said, not accepting the consideration.
He reiterated, "There's fair and there's unfair. You had unfair."
Then he said, "Paul's talked with you about being on the bubble."
"No," I said, "what's that?"
Apparently the bubble is sports terminology and means I could slide either way in terms of passing the skills part of the course. I was stunned but didn't let on--like I always do. I did say, "So passing is not just based on the exam?"
"You did real good today and if you can come out and do great tomorrow, or even good, you'll be in good shape."
The sim being unfair makes me figure I was set up. I finally said, "Well, you guys call the shots so if you say it was unfair and I did really well (pistons firing) then so be it."
Exam is tomorrow afternoon.
Back in class we had to watch a video of the scenario. I just felt worse and worse wanting to cry. At the end they asked who expected to need more time with the exam so I and a few others said we did. Then I headed out. Greg called down the hall, "Good job today" but I was too upset to acknowledge. I felt confused and in turmoil, wanted to talk with them but didn't. Once in my car I left in tears but turned back figuring this was the best place to study. Avoided them by going in the back door.
Couldn't stop crying. Called Georgia but no answer. Took a chance and called Anna--new acquaintance in class. We talked a bit while I cried. I really opened and took a chance with her. Hope I didn't blow it. G called back so we talked quite a while. I was spouting all kinds of medical jargon and she, a doctor, couldn't believe what I had learned in 8 days, nor could she understand the value of the pace. The cardinal rule in med school had been that you need to hear something 3 times, including teaching the subject, before something will stay with you. I called her back later with the insight that I was feeling vulnerable with these 3 guys. All week I've told them my Qs and weaknesses and now they hold the power of not passing me in the course. They always have held that power but now it feels like an element of betrayal and unsafe.
I have to work with my head to make it through tomorrow. If I fail, I've decided, I may have a bigger lesson to learn. Failure and imperfection are okay, I assure myself, and I will survive. I am still a valuable human being and not passing won't change that or take away all that I've learned.
Wednesday, August 26 11:11 p.m.
Just fell into bed. Exhausted.
I PASSED MY WFR COURSE!!
I write large and celebratory because I should feel that way but don't. Too beat and still feelings linger. On the drive to school today, I called Mary M and said I needed an Amazon Womon connection. Talked for quite a while. She laughed and remembered a picture of Ferron and Bitch that she got for me from Michigan. She thought they looked fierce so I took their images with me through my day. And, I think the Universe guided me to the dislocation I got for the simulation because I was able to relocate and sling.
Last day and still they squeeze in yet another topic--diving injuries. I checked out on that one though. Tried to pull myself back a couple of times.
Afternoon exam. Had to leave the room to go somewhere quiet because Paul started packing up boxes while we were doing the exam. Thought I did better. Had to get an 80 but I got an 82. Somebody didn't make it. Got a T-shirt and an envelope of stuff. Thought I read that we paid for a First Aid kit but no. Had to do evaluations. Couldn't construct what I really wanted to say. I'm fried. Had to leave right after 'cause I'm not wanting to talk with anyone, especially instructors. Went to Fin Aid to do the online paperwork--aaahhgg! Just stop. Cut yourself some slack, damn it.
Went to town to meet Mary M. but as I parked and got out of the car, I noticed my breath. I really noticed that I was breathing. It was a visceral realization. I don't have to do this course anymore. It's finished. I walked, disconnectedly down the street and found a grassy spot under a tree. I sat down slowly then sunk to the ground on my back. I felt nothing. I felt no joy in my accomplishment. Susan called as I lay there and while happy to hear from her, I couldn't share the excitement she felt to hear that I had passed. I had never felt this numb vacancy before. And it lasted for days. And slowly it ebbed. And finally, I write it.
WFR-Wilderness First Responder Simulation
Thursday, December 3
I was packing the night before in preparation for the scenario. How could I bolster my meager personal first-aid kit to make my pack a Leaders Day Pack. Extra warm clothing is a given as well as plastic produce bags to keep socks and feet dry in wet boots. I know first hand how they helped me and they're such an easy fix. This is the time to pack that emergency space material bivy. All materials to combat hypothermia.
We were to come to campus at 11 a.m. at which time we were given a sealed letter telling us to plan our personnel needs and roles. Discussion ensued and as we planned, often talking over each other, tension rose. Some want detail and more concrete decisions, while others want to wing it given the theoretical nature of the game. Lots of hashing and rehashing. People began to mentally check in and out. I was fortunate to glance Ian's way in time to catch his understated shooting of himself and saying "WFR scenario" as he got up from his table to take a break. His priceless timing caught me in my own suppressed tension and I started a church-like laughing jag. Seeing the results of his handiwork made Ian laugh as well. Before we all left, the top 3 positions in the chain of command were chosen and the rest left to determination by the scenario. I jokingly offered to be a runner and suggested that we all remember that we're on the same team and to remain as calm as we can.
Instructed to open the 2nd letter at 1 p.m., we learned that it was not the rumored all campus emergency but instead, we would be driving to Farley Ledge. At this point we needed to determine what equipment we would bring: variety of ropes, litters and/or back boards, carabiners, pulleys, variety of medical supplies, extra clothing, etc. for the twisted ankle to the person who doesn't make it.
On the ride, I held my "awakening activating inner powers" and "Victory after Struggle" medals, determined to stay calm, to role with whatever came my way, and to learn what I could. No one would die in reality. And though Beth said a few times to have fun with it, the situation is one of tension and pressure and apprehension. As we walked in on the trail, we came across two "hikers" and I stopped to talk with them and ask if they were aware of the emergency. They were plants, had limited information and had called 911. One said she had vomited from what she saw at the scene and as I asked them about any possible injuries to themselves. They appeared fine and said I had likely given them the full verbal head-to-toe. Well, I said resignedly and with a chuckle, I guess I'll move on.
I continued down the forested trail, unable to see anyone ahead because of the rocky terrain. When I arrived at the site, many WFRs were moving to assignments with equipment. Mark asked if I'd mind scouting off to the right for any other victims. I hustled off, relieved to postpone any encounter but also not at all sure what I might find in the craggy rocks ahead. I gave a fairly thorough search in the area wanting to make sure I didn't miss someone who might be found hours later.
I reported back that I found no one and was asked if I would go out on a search and rescue looking for 4 people, 2 men and 2 women. George and I would go, calling in in 20 minutes, and it was suggested we bring as help the two "hikers" who had come back to the base camp, our choice. We figured more eyes and ears the better and had them keep more safely to the trail while George and I walked right and left of the trail 10'-15' out. We arrived at a significant stream which I would have appreciated with different eyes in different circumstances. Here, it was a potential threat in which to find more injured and it was a crossroads. Paths went in 2 or 3 directions and the "hikers" indicated they had information but we needed to ask the right questions to get any answers (since they were instructed not to help us). We took too much time trying to determine our direction but once we did, marched on quickly. We had hiked maybe 2000 yards or more when the "hikers" told us they thought they heard voices back on the trail. . . way back near the stream. I tried to keep my temper when I asked why they hadn't mentioned it then since, as members of the search and rescue, they should at least be giving us that type of information. We hiked back, trying to hear any response to my shouts of "Search and rescue. Anyone there?" We didn't hear it but the "hikers" apparently knew that the lost had climbed up toward the top of the stream. As we climbed, we got a call from the base camp confirming that we only needed to find two lost rather than four.
Okay, we're on. We found Joan and Emily. Joan's foot was trapped in the stream and Emily was sitting on a rock nearby. . .both fulfilling their roles as lost and injured. George got out to Joan first so I assessed Emily's condition. She was apparently fine with some ASR (acute stress reaction) so I got her off the rocks and onto relatively dry ground. Kate, our assessor, came over to me, called time out and asked urgently, "Eileen, what is your main consideration with Joan?"
"Hypothermia," I answered.
She asked another question that confused me and had to do with our resources and I went fairly blank. I thought she wanted me to call for a hypothermia wrap but when I conferred with George, he suggested that getting Joan out of the water first was a priority. I appreciated the benefits of multi-tasking but decided to help George maneuver Joan out of the water and onto a rock. We employed the "hikers" to help carry her to the shore and onto George's space blanket ground cloth. Her foot seemed in good condition though she also complained about her knee hurting (Beth said Joan got creative as that wasn't part of her story).
I'm not sure how long Joan was actually in the water but she was clearly in early and potentially advancing stages of real-life hypothermia. I set to getting her wet clothing and boots off, thankful that I had packed some extras. Kate held up a privacy shield and Joan asked that I keep her underwear on (Beth checked in about that in our debrief and I assured her that in a real situation, I would have taken everything off that was wet). I told Joan she was in luck 'cause I had some expedition weight underwear that was going to feel toasty warm. I also had some thick wool socks that would help her feet feel good. Still shivering, I remembered the emergency space blanket bivy in my pack so we slid Joan in, wrapped her up and rubbed her to get her blood moving. I asked one of the "hikers" to give her a hug from the back so they might transfer and keep some heat. We added toe warmers a short while later.
At some point, the "hiker" suggested I might want to take Joan's vital signs. Oh, yeah! Great idea. It took a while to find her pulse but determined she was in the normal range. Turns out, all the volunteers were nursing or EMT students. . .score. (I felt shaky on the medical end of things but couldn't have been happier with my collection that more than fit the bill.) George and I managed the people well which now had 5 people plus our assessor. The 5th was videotaping the scene. Great. We had since learned that there were no resources available from operations so decided to try Joan's knee and see if we could walk her out since it was starting to get dark and we had limited headlamps to hike down the steep and uneven ground. I had yet another resource--plastic bags to put over her dry socks and feet since her boots were soaked. I doubled them up and they worked like a charm.
Joan and Emily played their parts, concerned (whining) about their condition or wondering about their friends and annoyed that we couldn't tell them anything about them. I assured them that they're friends were being taken care of and that our priority was the two of them. And of course distraction is the primary tool. Talk about what they're going to do on the weekend. Keep steering the conversation anywhere but where it will heighten their concerns.
Lessons learned.
Nursing and EMT students received credit for participating and WFR is done for now!
Next week--assessments.
I was packing the night before in preparation for the scenario. How could I bolster my meager personal first-aid kit to make my pack a Leaders Day Pack. Extra warm clothing is a given as well as plastic produce bags to keep socks and feet dry in wet boots. I know first hand how they helped me and they're such an easy fix. This is the time to pack that emergency space material bivy. All materials to combat hypothermia.
We were to come to campus at 11 a.m. at which time we were given a sealed letter telling us to plan our personnel needs and roles. Discussion ensued and as we planned, often talking over each other, tension rose. Some want detail and more concrete decisions, while others want to wing it given the theoretical nature of the game. Lots of hashing and rehashing. People began to mentally check in and out. I was fortunate to glance Ian's way in time to catch his understated shooting of himself and saying "WFR scenario" as he got up from his table to take a break. His priceless timing caught me in my own suppressed tension and I started a church-like laughing jag. Seeing the results of his handiwork made Ian laugh as well. Before we all left, the top 3 positions in the chain of command were chosen and the rest left to determination by the scenario. I jokingly offered to be a runner and suggested that we all remember that we're on the same team and to remain as calm as we can.
Instructed to open the 2nd letter at 1 p.m., we learned that it was not the rumored all campus emergency but instead, we would be driving to Farley Ledge. At this point we needed to determine what equipment we would bring: variety of ropes, litters and/or back boards, carabiners, pulleys, variety of medical supplies, extra clothing, etc. for the twisted ankle to the person who doesn't make it.
On the ride, I held my "awakening activating inner powers" and "Victory after Struggle" medals, determined to stay calm, to role with whatever came my way, and to learn what I could. No one would die in reality. And though Beth said a few times to have fun with it, the situation is one of tension and pressure and apprehension. As we walked in on the trail, we came across two "hikers" and I stopped to talk with them and ask if they were aware of the emergency. They were plants, had limited information and had called 911. One said she had vomited from what she saw at the scene and as I asked them about any possible injuries to themselves. They appeared fine and said I had likely given them the full verbal head-to-toe. Well, I said resignedly and with a chuckle, I guess I'll move on.
I continued down the forested trail, unable to see anyone ahead because of the rocky terrain. When I arrived at the site, many WFRs were moving to assignments with equipment. Mark asked if I'd mind scouting off to the right for any other victims. I hustled off, relieved to postpone any encounter but also not at all sure what I might find in the craggy rocks ahead. I gave a fairly thorough search in the area wanting to make sure I didn't miss someone who might be found hours later.
I reported back that I found no one and was asked if I would go out on a search and rescue looking for 4 people, 2 men and 2 women. George and I would go, calling in in 20 minutes, and it was suggested we bring as help the two "hikers" who had come back to the base camp, our choice. We figured more eyes and ears the better and had them keep more safely to the trail while George and I walked right and left of the trail 10'-15' out. We arrived at a significant stream which I would have appreciated with different eyes in different circumstances. Here, it was a potential threat in which to find more injured and it was a crossroads. Paths went in 2 or 3 directions and the "hikers" indicated they had information but we needed to ask the right questions to get any answers (since they were instructed not to help us). We took too much time trying to determine our direction but once we did, marched on quickly. We had hiked maybe 2000 yards or more when the "hikers" told us they thought they heard voices back on the trail. . . way back near the stream. I tried to keep my temper when I asked why they hadn't mentioned it then since, as members of the search and rescue, they should at least be giving us that type of information. We hiked back, trying to hear any response to my shouts of "Search and rescue. Anyone there?" We didn't hear it but the "hikers" apparently knew that the lost had climbed up toward the top of the stream. As we climbed, we got a call from the base camp confirming that we only needed to find two lost rather than four.
Okay, we're on. We found Joan and Emily. Joan's foot was trapped in the stream and Emily was sitting on a rock nearby. . .both fulfilling their roles as lost and injured. George got out to Joan first so I assessed Emily's condition. She was apparently fine with some ASR (acute stress reaction) so I got her off the rocks and onto relatively dry ground. Kate, our assessor, came over to me, called time out and asked urgently, "Eileen, what is your main consideration with Joan?"
"Hypothermia," I answered.
She asked another question that confused me and had to do with our resources and I went fairly blank. I thought she wanted me to call for a hypothermia wrap but when I conferred with George, he suggested that getting Joan out of the water first was a priority. I appreciated the benefits of multi-tasking but decided to help George maneuver Joan out of the water and onto a rock. We employed the "hikers" to help carry her to the shore and onto George's space blanket ground cloth. Her foot seemed in good condition though she also complained about her knee hurting (Beth said Joan got creative as that wasn't part of her story).
I'm not sure how long Joan was actually in the water but she was clearly in early and potentially advancing stages of real-life hypothermia. I set to getting her wet clothing and boots off, thankful that I had packed some extras. Kate held up a privacy shield and Joan asked that I keep her underwear on (Beth checked in about that in our debrief and I assured her that in a real situation, I would have taken everything off that was wet). I told Joan she was in luck 'cause I had some expedition weight underwear that was going to feel toasty warm. I also had some thick wool socks that would help her feet feel good. Still shivering, I remembered the emergency space blanket bivy in my pack so we slid Joan in, wrapped her up and rubbed her to get her blood moving. I asked one of the "hikers" to give her a hug from the back so they might transfer and keep some heat. We added toe warmers a short while later.
At some point, the "hiker" suggested I might want to take Joan's vital signs. Oh, yeah! Great idea. It took a while to find her pulse but determined she was in the normal range. Turns out, all the volunteers were nursing or EMT students. . .score. (I felt shaky on the medical end of things but couldn't have been happier with my collection that more than fit the bill.) George and I managed the people well which now had 5 people plus our assessor. The 5th was videotaping the scene. Great. We had since learned that there were no resources available from operations so decided to try Joan's knee and see if we could walk her out since it was starting to get dark and we had limited headlamps to hike down the steep and uneven ground. I had yet another resource--plastic bags to put over her dry socks and feet since her boots were soaked. I doubled them up and they worked like a charm.
Joan and Emily played their parts, concerned (whining) about their condition or wondering about their friends and annoyed that we couldn't tell them anything about them. I assured them that they're friends were being taken care of and that our priority was the two of them. And of course distraction is the primary tool. Talk about what they're going to do on the weekend. Keep steering the conversation anywhere but where it will heighten their concerns.
Lessons learned.
- We should have tried Joan's knee sooner because getting her walking would have made her warm up more quickly.
- If someone may be capable of removing their own wet clothes, keep them emotionally comfortable by asking before I just do it.
- Focus on getting back to operations rather than being on our own so long.
- I didn't do it perfectly, but I did a lot of things well, including preparation.
- I was grateful for hypothermia rather than something more medically demanding. I trusted I'd get what I could handle.
- I actually can say that I did have some fun with it, as Beth suggested was possible. The fun was in the management of things done well and the crossovers in conversation to real life.
Nursing and EMT students received credit for participating and WFR is done for now!
Next week--assessments.
Ruminating on Mistakes
Wednesday, December 2
After talking with Beth about mistakes and how they are a learning tool rather than a format for "I should haves," I thought about my own history with mistakes. My mistake memories begin with the nuns. Mistakes were never lessons from which we could learn. Never "teachable moments" or productive aspects of life.
Mistakes were shameful, akin almost to sin. Teachers had a habit of thinking that public humiliation would spark improvement. Tests were handed back in descending order which allowed the class to know who had the lowest grades. . . an early form of targeting. Kids like brainiac Kathy Heinz or Michael Burke received their tests first and, as I recall, I was usually in the 2nd half or even last few to receive my paper but the days that I was in the closer to the top, boy oh boy, it was a good day. Or sometimes papers were handed back from the front seat and anyone in front of you could see your grade. Or maybe Kathy was given the papers to pass back, walking around class pretending to only read your name.
One of my 4th grade mistakes caused Sr. Saint Ambrose to publicly label me "stupid" in class. It may have been the time that she called on me to stand in front of the class and parse the sentence "Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin." I was a great speller and in the 3rd grade could spell "theological." And I loved to read, but parse? I dragged my feet to the front of the class and dutifully read the sentence but then stared questioningly at others, hoping for help. They were as blank as me. After excruciating hours of silence from me and annoyance from Sr., I was ordered to my seat and another was called up to parse. No better results and Sr. finally realized that she had not yet introduced the concept of parsing. The lesson commenced with no apology; humility and 'fessing up--missed lessons.
Other than being short, plump, older, wearing glasses, and a poor teacher, her only other claim to fame was her precious possession--a map of the Louisiana Purchase. The map was ceremoniously unfurled from the black trunk that Sr. kept in the back closet. It meant little to us but was clearly a treasurer to her. We never saw the map again and I assume that it was unfurled annually from the airless trunk. Where is the map 50 years later and why do I still hold that memory? Have work to do on embedded shame and how, after all these years, I can begin to claim mistakes as a learning tool. Beth and Austin both push the idea of mistakes being tools. I've certainly heard the idea before and fairly marveled at people who showed no shame but might even giggle about their mistakes. Maybe now I can begin to buy into the idea and claim my learning proudly. Bring on the tools. . . .
After talking with Beth about mistakes and how they are a learning tool rather than a format for "I should haves," I thought about my own history with mistakes. My mistake memories begin with the nuns. Mistakes were never lessons from which we could learn. Never "teachable moments" or productive aspects of life.
Mistakes were shameful, akin almost to sin. Teachers had a habit of thinking that public humiliation would spark improvement. Tests were handed back in descending order which allowed the class to know who had the lowest grades. . . an early form of targeting. Kids like brainiac Kathy Heinz or Michael Burke received their tests first and, as I recall, I was usually in the 2nd half or even last few to receive my paper but the days that I was in the closer to the top, boy oh boy, it was a good day. Or sometimes papers were handed back from the front seat and anyone in front of you could see your grade. Or maybe Kathy was given the papers to pass back, walking around class pretending to only read your name.
One of my 4th grade mistakes caused Sr. Saint Ambrose to publicly label me "stupid" in class. It may have been the time that she called on me to stand in front of the class and parse the sentence "Eli Whitney invented the cotton gin." I was a great speller and in the 3rd grade could spell "theological." And I loved to read, but parse? I dragged my feet to the front of the class and dutifully read the sentence but then stared questioningly at others, hoping for help. They were as blank as me. After excruciating hours of silence from me and annoyance from Sr., I was ordered to my seat and another was called up to parse. No better results and Sr. finally realized that she had not yet introduced the concept of parsing. The lesson commenced with no apology; humility and 'fessing up--missed lessons.
Other than being short, plump, older, wearing glasses, and a poor teacher, her only other claim to fame was her precious possession--a map of the Louisiana Purchase. The map was ceremoniously unfurled from the black trunk that Sr. kept in the back closet. It meant little to us but was clearly a treasurer to her. We never saw the map again and I assume that it was unfurled annually from the airless trunk. Where is the map 50 years later and why do I still hold that memory? Have work to do on embedded shame and how, after all these years, I can begin to claim mistakes as a learning tool. Beth and Austin both push the idea of mistakes being tools. I've certainly heard the idea before and fairly marveled at people who showed no shame but might even giggle about their mistakes. Maybe now I can begin to buy into the idea and claim my learning proudly. Bring on the tools. . . .
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Tyrolean Traverse
Wednesday, December 2
Austin and Sean again but this time we're working at several locations to set up systems that, based on our extensive experience, we think make sense to eventually make a transfer loop up and down and around various terrain. I say that I want to work on z-drags which I have yet to get hands-on time with and that we are required to know by the end of the day. Why? BECAUSE, tomorrow is a big WFR scenario and apparently the tyrolean traverse and all its components will come into play. Word is it's a college wide emergency scenario and we need to come prepared to stay until 6 so that we get to play in the dark.
Jen, George, and I hike up to the point and I say, mainly to Jen, that I need her calmness so that I can think through how and why the system works. We start assembling a z-drag. I process the layout and theory in my head and run questions by Jen because she seems to have a better handle on the deal. I remember a good amount from the first two days and am reasoning the theory to practice. Finally done with the zip setup, Austin approves it after a few minor changes, one that involves me climbing the tree again and connecting some carabiners for the hoist to the main pulley. We send Aaron down as the bumble bee harness test case, a slow ride given that he simulates a patient with potential life threatening injuries. He survives, laughing and without incident, other than knocking off a few dead branches on the way.
Austin is happy with the time it takes us all to set up 3 or 4 systems in the loop. He says that he thinks there are few rescue teams in the area who have the experience that we now have to set up these systems. Erin volunteers to be the first patient to be sent in a litter through all systems. She is not dropped, even on the uphill carry by 4 people who are clipped into her litter and hauled up by 4 or 5 others along a rope system.
Austin has reiterated that we should take time to fully acquaint ourselves with the system today, mum on any info about tomorrow. I ask for one-on-one help and I set up as far as I can and then explain what I've done and my thinking behind it. This time is beneficial to help me think through the systems and make connections to other ways we've done similar systems this week. I finish and Mike calls me suggesting that I take a shot on the bumble-bee zip line before they take it down. I say yes, climb up to the point and into the bee harness which pretty much envelopes you as you put your arms through the holes and it clips around and up like a diaper. George hoists me up and clips me in. I yell down to Aaron, Jake and Austin that I'm coming down and Jen begins the belay. It's a little disconcerting because I'm going down backwards and they've said to watch where I'm going given the branches and trees along the way. I can't see too much although the harness swings around and now I see where I'm headed--way down there. I'm jumpy with the jerks of the hoist and belay and catch my breath when I see in my minds eye or through my real eyes the space below me. Eventually I make it to the landing spot and they unclip the harness after my feet touch ground. It was a kinder gentler zipline than yesterday's. I'm aware that I've made it down with less fear than other tests. Am I becoming slowly desensitized?
Tuesday, December 1
Austin and Sean today. I was running late so decided to meet the group back at Barton Cove. The groups switched locations and set up the same systems as yesterday. This time it was more or less a group build as there were no assigned tasks. Much colder than yesterday though there was a short point when the sun shone and warmed us. I drove to the Wagon Wheel for lunch/hot drinks with Ian and Sarah.
Ian and Anna played with the slingshot and shot the line across on the 2nd attempt. After the set-ups were complete we started riding the ropes. Our group was on the fairly level system so it was a slow ride to somewhere in the middle and then you pulled yourself the rest of the way. I harnessed up and rode with little thought about any fear. Something about it was benign but my arms were done in by the time I finished pulling myself across. Sean and Mark hoisted me up and out of the dismount system and then I headed up to the zip line for a ride. I harnessed up in the bumble bee body harness but couldn't make myself take the zip leap off the hill. Jake was going to belay me and tried to get me to go for the fun but there were only tears of frustration and disappointment. We're promised a new location and new surprises tomorrow.
Monday, November 30
9:15ish Drove the van from GCC to Barton Cove to learn about Tyrolean Traverse. Austin and Beth drove together to talk over the plans.
Lots of gear: ropes rated to 9000 lbs, pulleys rated to 5000 lbs, carabiners, prusiks, webbing, harnesses and helmets. Oh, and a slingshot on a pole. Nice to have toys.
The Problem
Someone has been injured and we have two hours to rescue them (I don't think the threat of patient death was noted initially because we were also told to play with our tasks--keep it light.)
Beth and Austin would be available for clarity but mainly, we were on our own. Two groups, each given a location to set up their respective Tyrolean rescue systems. What is a Tyrolean Traverse? It's a tensioning system that spans a chasm or water. In these cases, we would send someone over the water.
Titles and Tasks
Everyone pulled a card from a manila envelope that said what their specific title and task would be. We split into two groups with instructions that we could not show our cards to anyone, nor could we read the description and if we did so, would be charged time penalties. We could describe instructions verbally if we needed help with something but we were to do the actual task drawn. We could also confer with our counterpart in the other group.
There was an incident commander and a safety officer for both groups. Safety could say or do nothing other than observe, take notes, and say "stop" if they saw a problem but they could offer no explanation or help so that we would stop and figure it out. Other titles all ended with "expert." For example, I pulled "Finish Anchor Tie-off and Guy Expert." What? I groaned when I saw pictures of trees, ropes, and knots. Instructions included 4 wraps and half hitches but the pictures involved two systems that I had to figure out from fuzzy pictures and minimal instruction. I feel confident wrapping. After that I really have to dig. I've seen so many ways to tie the same knot and it's the kind of thing that if you don't do it daily, you confuse it and lose it.
Oh, and then Austin hands me a 2nd sheet. Now I was also the "Back-up Brake System and Dismount Expert." I had two jobs! More wraps and half hitches but also Truckers knots, carabiners, pulleys, belays, and harnesses would be involved. Multiple tree anchors for each "system." Truckers knots--we learned those in September to tie boats and kayaks to the trailers. If we remembered it when camping, it could come in handy tying tarps to trees.
Austin pointed out the trees we were to use traversing from point A to point B. After conferring with my counterpart, we determined that our instructions sent us both to the receiving "dismount" shore. Ultimately, my group's system would be a zip line from above and down to the other shore. We needed to figure out what and how much equipment we needed to bring. The two dismount areas would be about 100' apart. The two launching areas were much farther apart, out of sight from each other.
It took a while to pull the groups together, figure out our particular responsibilities and how we thought those might be accomplished. Incident Commander's had their work cut out for themselves. After questioning anyone who heard me why I had to get knots and systems, I decided to not sink into what I don't know and look at it as an opportunity to learn. That's what we're supposed to do. I'm on the right track.
I tried to focus on one task at a time but I also needed to make sense of the big picture. I decided to start becoming the "Finish Anchor Tie-off and Guy Expert" since that appeared to involve the main rope on which the patient would travel. Why isn't a guy rope a guide rope?
Katie was the harness expert but since that didn't come into play until later, she came with me to the lower shore, Point B. Figuring out a plan, I realized that I had to climb a tree with no limbs to set the main transport rope 9' high. Katie ran back up to Point A to get her knot fieldbook. I wanted to be sure I knew how to tie the knots before I climbed. We had at least 3 people trying to figure out how to tie the knots. It was good for my ego but not much else. Clock is ticking. Okay. I think I've got it.
Anna had tied steps out of webbing at Point A so she made steps for the limbless tree. I struggled into the steps but they didn't let me reach quite high enough. I didn't know I was doing it but apparently I was standing on Anna's head and my full weight was a problem while I was trying to hold on to the tree and wrap the rope 4 times. I was getting tired fast. It was a ridiculous maneuver and hindsight said I should have used a harness for safety and it would have freed up my arms for working the rope. Or, as Austin mentioned late in the game when time was up but we were still trying to finish the system, I could have leaned against the adjacent tree and been hands-free. Duh worthy. But I didn't think of it and I was frustrated with exhaustion and no good solutions. Finally the wrapping and half hitches were done--in theory. I followed them up with a barrel knot given that the whole thing looked loose and sketchy. I didn't have the strength from my position to work the rope and do it properly. I was clearly frustrated. I didn't figure out a way to make the task easier and no one else came up with ideas. And, I was the only one who could complete the task. Jen knew it looked bad and called Beth to approve it which she didn't. I had to take it all out and do it again, this time standing on Mark's shoulder and him pushing my butt so I could stand straight. He asked if he was being inappropriate but context is everything. I tried to bring some humor into the situation and asked for a massage since he sometimes gives shoulder massages.
Austin informed us that our time was up and our patient died. So did the other group's patient. But Austin stuck around to make sure that I completed the "Back-up Brake System and Dismount" and then we had someone do a test run. And then we took it all down and had a debrief. And then we talked a lot about the frustration that seemed pervasive in both groups and the potential solutions we had but didn't see. Austin said that he hoped we all felt good about the learning experience given the piece-meal information, lack of communication, unfamiliar terrain, all of which could mirror a real situation.
Austin and Sean again but this time we're working at several locations to set up systems that, based on our extensive experience, we think make sense to eventually make a transfer loop up and down and around various terrain. I say that I want to work on z-drags which I have yet to get hands-on time with and that we are required to know by the end of the day. Why? BECAUSE, tomorrow is a big WFR scenario and apparently the tyrolean traverse and all its components will come into play. Word is it's a college wide emergency scenario and we need to come prepared to stay until 6 so that we get to play in the dark.
Jen, George, and I hike up to the point and I say, mainly to Jen, that I need her calmness so that I can think through how and why the system works. We start assembling a z-drag. I process the layout and theory in my head and run questions by Jen because she seems to have a better handle on the deal. I remember a good amount from the first two days and am reasoning the theory to practice. Finally done with the zip setup, Austin approves it after a few minor changes, one that involves me climbing the tree again and connecting some carabiners for the hoist to the main pulley. We send Aaron down as the bumble bee harness test case, a slow ride given that he simulates a patient with potential life threatening injuries. He survives, laughing and without incident, other than knocking off a few dead branches on the way.
Austin is happy with the time it takes us all to set up 3 or 4 systems in the loop. He says that he thinks there are few rescue teams in the area who have the experience that we now have to set up these systems. Erin volunteers to be the first patient to be sent in a litter through all systems. She is not dropped, even on the uphill carry by 4 people who are clipped into her litter and hauled up by 4 or 5 others along a rope system.
Austin has reiterated that we should take time to fully acquaint ourselves with the system today, mum on any info about tomorrow. I ask for one-on-one help and I set up as far as I can and then explain what I've done and my thinking behind it. This time is beneficial to help me think through the systems and make connections to other ways we've done similar systems this week. I finish and Mike calls me suggesting that I take a shot on the bumble-bee zip line before they take it down. I say yes, climb up to the point and into the bee harness which pretty much envelopes you as you put your arms through the holes and it clips around and up like a diaper. George hoists me up and clips me in. I yell down to Aaron, Jake and Austin that I'm coming down and Jen begins the belay. It's a little disconcerting because I'm going down backwards and they've said to watch where I'm going given the branches and trees along the way. I can't see too much although the harness swings around and now I see where I'm headed--way down there. I'm jumpy with the jerks of the hoist and belay and catch my breath when I see in my minds eye or through my real eyes the space below me. Eventually I make it to the landing spot and they unclip the harness after my feet touch ground. It was a kinder gentler zipline than yesterday's. I'm aware that I've made it down with less fear than other tests. Am I becoming slowly desensitized?
Tuesday, December 1
Austin and Sean today. I was running late so decided to meet the group back at Barton Cove. The groups switched locations and set up the same systems as yesterday. This time it was more or less a group build as there were no assigned tasks. Much colder than yesterday though there was a short point when the sun shone and warmed us. I drove to the Wagon Wheel for lunch/hot drinks with Ian and Sarah.
Ian and Anna played with the slingshot and shot the line across on the 2nd attempt. After the set-ups were complete we started riding the ropes. Our group was on the fairly level system so it was a slow ride to somewhere in the middle and then you pulled yourself the rest of the way. I harnessed up and rode with little thought about any fear. Something about it was benign but my arms were done in by the time I finished pulling myself across. Sean and Mark hoisted me up and out of the dismount system and then I headed up to the zip line for a ride. I harnessed up in the bumble bee body harness but couldn't make myself take the zip leap off the hill. Jake was going to belay me and tried to get me to go for the fun but there were only tears of frustration and disappointment. We're promised a new location and new surprises tomorrow.
Monday, November 30
9:15ish Drove the van from GCC to Barton Cove to learn about Tyrolean Traverse. Austin and Beth drove together to talk over the plans.
Lots of gear: ropes rated to 9000 lbs, pulleys rated to 5000 lbs, carabiners, prusiks, webbing, harnesses and helmets. Oh, and a slingshot on a pole. Nice to have toys.
The Problem
Someone has been injured and we have two hours to rescue them (I don't think the threat of patient death was noted initially because we were also told to play with our tasks--keep it light.)
Beth and Austin would be available for clarity but mainly, we were on our own. Two groups, each given a location to set up their respective Tyrolean rescue systems. What is a Tyrolean Traverse? It's a tensioning system that spans a chasm or water. In these cases, we would send someone over the water.
Titles and Tasks
Everyone pulled a card from a manila envelope that said what their specific title and task would be. We split into two groups with instructions that we could not show our cards to anyone, nor could we read the description and if we did so, would be charged time penalties. We could describe instructions verbally if we needed help with something but we were to do the actual task drawn. We could also confer with our counterpart in the other group.
There was an incident commander and a safety officer for both groups. Safety could say or do nothing other than observe, take notes, and say "stop" if they saw a problem but they could offer no explanation or help so that we would stop and figure it out. Other titles all ended with "expert." For example, I pulled "Finish Anchor Tie-off and Guy Expert." What? I groaned when I saw pictures of trees, ropes, and knots. Instructions included 4 wraps and half hitches but the pictures involved two systems that I had to figure out from fuzzy pictures and minimal instruction. I feel confident wrapping. After that I really have to dig. I've seen so many ways to tie the same knot and it's the kind of thing that if you don't do it daily, you confuse it and lose it.
Oh, and then Austin hands me a 2nd sheet. Now I was also the "Back-up Brake System and Dismount Expert." I had two jobs! More wraps and half hitches but also Truckers knots, carabiners, pulleys, belays, and harnesses would be involved. Multiple tree anchors for each "system." Truckers knots--we learned those in September to tie boats and kayaks to the trailers. If we remembered it when camping, it could come in handy tying tarps to trees.
Austin pointed out the trees we were to use traversing from point A to point B. After conferring with my counterpart, we determined that our instructions sent us both to the receiving "dismount" shore. Ultimately, my group's system would be a zip line from above and down to the other shore. We needed to figure out what and how much equipment we needed to bring. The two dismount areas would be about 100' apart. The two launching areas were much farther apart, out of sight from each other.
It took a while to pull the groups together, figure out our particular responsibilities and how we thought those might be accomplished. Incident Commander's had their work cut out for themselves. After questioning anyone who heard me why I had to get knots and systems, I decided to not sink into what I don't know and look at it as an opportunity to learn. That's what we're supposed to do. I'm on the right track.
I tried to focus on one task at a time but I also needed to make sense of the big picture. I decided to start becoming the "Finish Anchor Tie-off and Guy Expert" since that appeared to involve the main rope on which the patient would travel. Why isn't a guy rope a guide rope?
Katie was the harness expert but since that didn't come into play until later, she came with me to the lower shore, Point B. Figuring out a plan, I realized that I had to climb a tree with no limbs to set the main transport rope 9' high. Katie ran back up to Point A to get her knot fieldbook. I wanted to be sure I knew how to tie the knots before I climbed. We had at least 3 people trying to figure out how to tie the knots. It was good for my ego but not much else. Clock is ticking. Okay. I think I've got it.
Anna had tied steps out of webbing at Point A so she made steps for the limbless tree. I struggled into the steps but they didn't let me reach quite high enough. I didn't know I was doing it but apparently I was standing on Anna's head and my full weight was a problem while I was trying to hold on to the tree and wrap the rope 4 times. I was getting tired fast. It was a ridiculous maneuver and hindsight said I should have used a harness for safety and it would have freed up my arms for working the rope. Or, as Austin mentioned late in the game when time was up but we were still trying to finish the system, I could have leaned against the adjacent tree and been hands-free. Duh worthy. But I didn't think of it and I was frustrated with exhaustion and no good solutions. Finally the wrapping and half hitches were done--in theory. I followed them up with a barrel knot given that the whole thing looked loose and sketchy. I didn't have the strength from my position to work the rope and do it properly. I was clearly frustrated. I didn't figure out a way to make the task easier and no one else came up with ideas. And, I was the only one who could complete the task. Jen knew it looked bad and called Beth to approve it which she didn't. I had to take it all out and do it again, this time standing on Mark's shoulder and him pushing my butt so I could stand straight. He asked if he was being inappropriate but context is everything. I tried to bring some humor into the situation and asked for a massage since he sometimes gives shoulder massages.
Austin informed us that our time was up and our patient died. So did the other group's patient. But Austin stuck around to make sure that I completed the "Back-up Brake System and Dismount" and then we had someone do a test run. And then we took it all down and had a debrief. And then we talked a lot about the frustration that seemed pervasive in both groups and the potential solutions we had but didn't see. Austin said that he hoped we all felt good about the learning experience given the piece-meal information, lack of communication, unfamiliar terrain, all of which could mirror a real situation.
Friday, November 27, 2009
I Am Grateful and Thankful
In this holiday Break, I am compelled to think of reasons for which I am grateful and thankful:
- for my body for carrying me as I push it hard. . .please continue to hold me
- for my evolving sense of self and of what I am capable
- for the people in my life who love me, know me in one context and were afraid for me to make this decision to evolve my life. . . and their subsequent support
- for my strength to choose and live life despite their fears
- for my strength to choose and live life despite my fears
- for the people in my life who love me, and because they know me in a different context, could support and encourage me generously as I wrestled with and made my decision to evolve my life
- for my sister Fran who, despite her own challenges, leaves me inspirational phone messages
- for my brothers and sisters who support me with time to do what I must
- for those who are unaware that how they live sustains me
- for inner powers, awakening and activating
- for the supportive energy of those passed but still with me
Friday, November 6, 2009
White Mountain Backpacking Trip
North Country - Pliny-Pilot Range
Nov 8 - 15, Trails and bushwhacking
Trip Advisors: Beth and Kate
Students and co-leaders: Anna, Eileen, Erin, George, Ian, Jen, Joe, Kristy, Mike, Sarah
Sara, Me, Beth, Erin hidden, Joe, Ian, Kate, Kristy, George, Mike, Jen, Anna taking pix
Click on pix to make them bigger.
I'm in borrowed blue and green gaiters, probably from the 70s, and wearing an orange pack.
Sunday, 11/15 Day 8 north east to York Pond and the car
I didn't bother with breakfast because we were heading out this morning and would be stopping at P&H Restaurant for breakfast/brunch. I couldn't wait to pack up and get out of here. True to form, turns out I'll be late again. Apparently the word was 7:30 to Beth and Kate so they'd be late when we were all ready for 7:15. I missed the memo. But now I'm ready and we're busting Beth and Kate. I run over, mug in one hand, offering to help them--probably the largest irony of the week and worth a laugh. They begin to enjoy the scene and throw back all the excuses they've heard all week. I need to pee. I can't find this. I need to brush my teeth. I need to dig a cathole. In Beth's parlance, good times.
We gather round and Kristy and George, today's co-leaders, instruct us to walk out silently, space ourselves so we have some reflective time as we hike the path out to the road. I move through the brush and wait for reflective space. As I place my first step onto the path, tears wash my cheeks. Conflict of leaving wells up when just hours earlier I couldn't wait to get out of hell. Now, I don't want to leave! What have I done here this week? I want answers before I leave. Did I appreciate the sacredness? Did I make friends with the mountains? Friends. What about friends? Well, friends can test you and I surely was. But despite the tests, you can still want to be with friends. There is goodness and pull beneath the testing. So, maybe I have made friends with the mountains. They tested me and now I don't want to leave. My metaphor works in the moment and I can feel the tears without a sense of panic but rather relief. I bend down with my lighter pack and let the cold stream waters run over my hand. I want to take the sensation with me. I look around with intent. I feel the release and some sense of joy in the knowing.
We arrive at the parking lot and buddy up so we can walk out the last couple of miles and talk about goals. Kate and I buddy and it's the first time all week that we've really had a one-on-one conversation together. Kate is late twenties and an OLP alum. I ask her about her leadership experience, I tell her about my soft feelings for the mountains with my first morning foot fall on the trail. She tells me she's never led a trip with someone like me before. She tells me how grounded she thinks I am and that she appreciates that I feel my feelings and am always processing what my experience means to me. We talk about lots of things. I'm happy to share this brief time to come to know her better.
We hike up the road to the Fish Hatchery where the van is parked. We crack open the trailer, get clothes and throw in our packs. We all stink. Anna comes by all wet and fresh looking and gives me the idea to wet my hair again and do a little wash. The icy stream is invigorating. I feel deeply cleansed by mountain water in mountain woods. I sit in the trailer and pull off my wet boots and plastic bag vapor barriers that kept my socks and feet dry. I'm the driver today and look forward to street clothes and the experience of driving a 12 passenger van with a trailer. Sarah Maney grabs shotgun so it's a rockin' ride home. I feel satisfied smiles cross my face as I drive and sense my own and our shared accomplishment. Bring on breakfast!
Saturday, 11/14 Day 7 down from Mt. Cabot and east along Bunnell Notch Trail
Anna and Erin are co-leaders
No idea what I ate but it's gettin' low
My feet were wrapped anew before we left the cabin but as soon as I took a few steps I knew they were a problem. Stopping to undo and re-wrap was not an option. I kept telling myself on the descent that I'd be able to take care of them when we got into camp. We're on the last full day of hiking and we need to keep moving. Sarah, Ian and I had a conversation about medicinal pot and otherwise. Sarah wrote a paper on pot so was a fount of information. I was moving slowly because of my feet and knees which were long done with all the descending. The clouds threatened rain but held off. We pulled off the trail to have lunch.
Not one to wear hats even when it's cold, I've discovered the secondary benefit--cover your bad hair. I still don't like the look on me. I'd thought about wetting my hair to get some curls back but hadn't done it. Beth, Kristy, and Erin had pulled off the trail and we could hear their shrieks as they dunked their heads in the icy stream. Feeling like I missed a shared moment, Beth pointed to the same stream running by our lunch spot. Well, yeah. I can still have my own moment. I dunked my hair and felt the shocking refreshment of cold on my head. My curls would dry, or freeze, and I'd be some semblance of my pre-hat self. Kind of a backcountry spa.
I was feeling edgy because rumor had it that we would have a Wilderness First Responder (WFR) scenario on this trip and time was running out. I hate the fabrication of scenarios but Beth was gone for quite a while after lunch so this was likely it. Kate protested no knowledge of what Beth was doing other than bio break. Shortly, we hear a yell from up in the woods. Okay, this is it. We head up to find Beth and when we do, she's lying face down in a drainage, clothing, face and hands soaked in icy water. Damn, she goes all out. As a group we stumble on what to do. . .analysis paralysis. It's determined that she has a problem ankle but we haven't cleared her spine and she's wet. I suggest that we get her wet clothes off but someone else doesn't remember that being part of the protocol. . . I think we're shy about what to do since Beth is our teacher and leader and this is a scenario--of sorts. I run down to get some clothing and as I'm rummaging through my stuff I say to Erin that we're actually supposed to use the person's own stuff rather than our own. Put yourself first and then take care of others. Erin looks at Beth's pack and says she really doesn't want to go through Beth's stuff which brings up the whole fabricated scenario problem. I bring my own stuff, knowing I'm wrong. It's not really real so where do we determine what's too much?
Scenario or real? Meanwhile, Beth is getting hypothermic with efforts to create a litter and at Beth's suggestion, a tarp is raised because rain kicked in just about at WFR time. Someone else suggests that we feed her and Kate says slowly and lowly, "All I've got is Beth's chocolate bar." I take that as a suggestion and grab the bar, breaking small pieces so as not to choke her. I put one into her mouth and I realize my mistake just as she chokes. I yell that we need to turn her to her side and someone else says sweep her mouth. I stick my finger into her mouth to sweep the chocolate successfully but wonder how bad my finger tastes given that I was sucking tuna from it at lunch and who knows when I last washed them. Backcountry hygiene. A few more feeble attempts and finally Beth calls an end to the game. She notes how no one touched her to do a head to toe exam. No one checked for bleeding. She potentially had a TBI given that she fell so I shouldn't have fed her. And she noted I swept her mouth without a glove so appreciated my blind trust in her good health. And, she let the chocolate slide down to her throat so she would choke for real.
"Oh, and who sacrificed their down parka to warm me? It felt great!"
As she shakes and puts on a jacket, she says, "Do you think this is perceived or real hypothermia?"
Oh, it's real.
I say to her, "Beth, you're hard core!"
"I want my students to learn," she says emphatically, "and the only way they'll learn is if it's real."
We get moving fast so Beth can warm up. It was a kinder, gentler scenario than in WFR training. Beth: They're killin' me!
The rain is coming down steady now and we're getting soaked. My boots, dry all week despite stepping through streams and getting sucked up to my knees in mud, are now completely wet in just an hour of steady rain. My toes and knees are hurting more and my clothes are soaked through. This is the misery Beth promised and hoped for so we'd see what it's like. We finally decided to make camp. We put up tarps but feeling hypothermic, I tried to find dry clothes to put on. I couldn't figure out why my down parka felt wet--I sacrificed it in WFR. Point taken. I was called twice to come out because we were meeting for a presentation and other discussion. Totally annoyed, I threw my water bottle and stomped over to the group. We did a hypothermia dance to get the blood pumping. And then there was the required bear hang to be accomplished. I had yet to do one but I also can't throw the rope high enough into the tree. Ian, the former pitcher, had our best shot. And, it was an exercise 'cause the hang was likely not necessary.
Back in my tarp, I got into my sleeping bag and bivy and never came out the rest of the night. In tears again, I was sure I was a lightweight who couldn't hack it as soon as the rain dumped. I can't wait to be done with this F'ing trip. We had doubled up our tarp with Jen and Anna so the debrief of the WFR was held under our tarps in the pouring rain. Again, I never left my cocoon. Everyone left to make supper and it was Kristy's turn to cook. I told her to cook what she wanted and I would cook my comfort food--garlic mashed potatoes that I would mix with the dried vegs, Sloppy Joe mix and the brown gravy mix. Kristy changed her mind, likely in support, and said it sounded good to her. It wasn't. It was the worst meal that week. We agreed that I owe her fresh baked cookies when we get back.
The group gathered back again for the general debrief and last Hot Seats, all a challenge to hear given the popcorn rain on the tarps. I began to feel human again and could begin to participate. George was cold so I lent him my Nalgene hot water bottle for his hands. One of my Hot Seat questions, "What would my sons say were pet peeves if asked?" I said I'd come back to that 'cause I was coming up blank but knew there was possibly a deep pot. I checked in with Kurt and Russ when I got home and they both said that sometimes I leave long voice mail messages. That's it? Don't hit the bees nest too hard.
We finished up by 8 o'clock and there was group relief to get to bed early. I wasn't moving in the rain so hoped I wouldn't have to get up to pee--fat chance. I wasn't enjoying the sound of rain as I normally would but I kept listening for its ebb and when it did I took advantage and came back to sleep again. Beth told us, depending on weather, there's a technique to keeping your bivy dry, no matter how well it's rated. Leave an opening near your face so that your breath escapes rather than creates condensation. And, it's helpful to unzip and let body heat and steam out so that you and your stuff don't sit in a puddle. I'll bet this description makes tent die-hards say no thanks.
Friday, 11/13 Day 6 south to Mt. Cabot OR bagging 3 peaks in 1 day
Jen and Mike are co-leaders
The usual for breakfast, PB&J for lunch and maybe a bite of cheese, something pasta for supper
But this morning we come to Unknown Pond and Joe does a presentation on Poecile atricapillus-- Chickadees. His presentation is a treat because he has us look closely at the trees to see what may be hiding in tree holes--spiders! A food source for the chickadees. We then need to search the woods for our own spiders and each finds a new species named "mini Snickers" and we eat them hungrily.
Before we head out, I say that I need to check my feet because I think I have hot spots. What I really have are two bruised toes from banging into my boots on the downhills. Beth wraps them and it helps a lot and gets me through the day. We move on and find another pond that has a thin layer of ice and our only way across is over a beaver dam. While we walk one at a time, Beth goes off for a bio break and returns to tell us she saw a moose. The moose saw a human so slid back into the woods. Later on the trail, someone spotted a rack of moose antlers and Ian tries them on for size.
The 3 bagger day was a killer and because I wasn't paying attention to the maps, I didn't know the plan until after we bagged #1. Mt. Horn is 4000' plus and the first of the three. I make a point of not looking up when we climb because I need to live in the present--my feet in front of me rather than anticipating the steepness ahead. Kate was teaching us the rest step used by climbers of Everest. It takes some practice and patience to learn but has merit. This was the longest climb I'd ever done and there was nothing to do but move forward. And up. When I thought of it, I would meditate. "I am stronger than I know." "Awakening, Activating, Inner Powers" "Victory after struggle." Sometimes I just did what I had to do and listened to the random conversations in front or behind me. Kate told me we were getting close to the summit. It was one of those encouraging lies to keep you moving.
Eventually we did summit Mt. Horn. What I saw shook me after the long forest trails. "Oh, it's beautiful," I wept. This is why I climbed." Tree covered peaks spread out in front of me as far as I could see. Mike called "Eileenie" and I saw that he, Beth, and others had climbed up a fat tower of rock and were having lunch. Heights or no heights, I didn't come all this way not to get to the top. I grabbed my lunch out of my pack and Erin showed me the easier way up. At the top of the rock, there was a 360 degree view. Beth pointed out the Presidentials and the tower that incongruously identifies Mount Washington. Another view has long rolling hills that stretch out to the north. Tears came intermittently as I took in the beauty and the vastness. Beth gave me a cup of the best hot pea soup I ever tasted.
"It's Lipton's," she laughed.
At this moment, it's the best I ever tasted. She followed it up with some frozen Nutella chunks. . .she has a knack for treats at just the right time.
This was a working lunch and we all have green pen marks on our maps as we did more triangulation on different peaks. It was then that I learned that today we would bag The Bulge #2 as well as Mt. Cabot #3. Jen pointed out the peaks and I remember my disbelief but it was possibly lessened by the fact that our 30 minute working lunch was over and we needed to get on our way. Oh, but I could have stayed for hours! I had finally found the sacredness and wanted to feel and imbibe and be healed. But these trips are not meant to be personal trips as such though they are such personal challenges for me. While they aren't races, they are about moving. Always moving. Sometimes retracing to get back on track. There really hasn't been time to write in our required journals never mind sit in sacredness on a mountain top. I get up and leave, heavy, with a vow to return with a pace that allows for other kinds of movement.
More climbing to The Bulge that has no vista and then on again to Mt. Cabot that has just enough vista to appreciate the sunset through the trees. And, we can spend the night in Cabot Cabin just 50' from the bio potty. We hold our debrief in the cabin and I claim time to share what I've determined about myself and my recent struggle. I tell them that months ago when I was undecided about whether or not to do the program, I told Austin I was worried about not being able to keep up. He said our purpose is to teach people how to lead the general public. Part of our learning will be developing patience. Prior to the program starting, I could be comfortable with playing the role of general public. But once in the program, I have never felt that comfort and strive to be anything else. But Beth's question, 'Who are you trying to be?' made me think on it again.
"Now, we all know that on level ground and if I'm fired up, I can set a pace," I laughed, referring to leaving them in the dust when I was angry about being the slow one asked to set the pace. "And I realize that I'm happy enough with that ability. And, it's a fact that I'm one of the slow ones on the ascents and descents. I think now I can be the general public as I continue to learn in OLP. I'm your peer and I'm your general public and I hope you learn patience or whatever you need. Use me!"
I also take time to acknowledge Jen and to pass on "the medal." The medal was given to Mike for an extraordinary feat--I forget exactly how Beth phrased it, the morning that he tasted Moose poop. After my climb at Devil's Hopyard, Mike passed the medal to me. I appreciated his gesture but felt conflicted about accepting it. I realized a couple of days later that I still had it and wanted to pass it on. Today was the day. Jen was co-leader and she easily holds people to task, no nonsense. I told the group that she was setting a steady uphill pace that would keep us together as a group. I was not quite keeping up with her, though, so she was often on her own, ahead 10' or 12', uninvolved in the conversations behind her. That can be a lonely trail and it made me think about the lonely place that leadership can sometimes be. So I passed the medal to Jen.
Sarah Maney was wearing her medal that Beth had given to all of our group on completing the Raquette River trip and I asked if I could borrow it. I told people that in the morning I had been rushing, last again, and Sarah had stopped to ask if she could help me. We walked out together to catch up with the rest of the group getting water. In my rush, I noticed Anna sitting on the ground tying her boots, but I continued on, assuming she would be along soon. Sarah was more perceptive, though, and asked Anna if she was alright. That made me turn around and I saw that Anna was in tears because her hands were getting cut up trying to keep her new double plastic boots tied. Of course I went back to her but it was Sarah who had taken time to notice. Sarah was doing what we had all been tasked with--"You're not ready until everyone is ready." That's good Expedition Behavior. I wanted to acknowledge her caring leadership and her medal came back to her with new meaning attached.
I wrestle with my decision to sleep in my bivy on the mountain or to share a bunk inside a mountain cabin. Either will be a first. The wind whirls over the summit and everyone chooses inside except for Beth and Kate who opt to sleep on the deck, laughing and talking between themselves. I share a top bunk with Anna and after many dropped items and stifled giggles, we settle down to sleep inside as we listen to the wind.
Thursday, 11/12 Day 5 route change: bushwhack back to the KRT and south to North Peak and Rogers Ledge Campsite
Anna and Sarah are co-leaders.
Oatmeal and raisins, tuna and cheese, pasta with cream sauce and beef
I was functioning out of my funk in the morning until I was late again for circle-up and my funk came crashing back. Damn. It was determined that we would buddy up for the day and by design or luck, Sarah was my buddy. I was grateful. If anyone can help pull me out of this funk, wild and crazy Sarah can. But we were bushcrashing again so that helped to maintain the funk. And I was particularly sensitive to what sometimes felt like patronizing care. I think we got somewhat lost today and had to do some triangulations to find out where we were.
The leaders faced some grumbling for heading us back up the KRT (Kilkenny Ridge Trail) which we had already come down but their goal was to make up time and try to get us back on track in our loop. This time we would camp at Rogers Ledge Tentsite which we didn't our first pass through. What a dump. The latrine had been pulled apart, likely for firewood. The camp area brought a new meaning to durable surface that had no maintenance for years.
By the debrief, I had worked out of my funk and acknowledged and apologized for it. Jen said I needed to stop apologizing. (Jen's Mom has been a great role model, empowering Jen in many ways.) I also said that I struggle to accept help from people and am working on that but that care is a fine line this side of patronizing and that I would not appreciate.
This may have been the night of the very smoky fire when Ian and Sarah were avoiding the smoke and not close enough to be warm and developed early hypothermia. Beth said they had the mumbles. After the nightly leadership self-evaluation and group evaluation, we faded toward our tarps and sleep. It was an ugly place and no one was sad to leave. We got water on the way out in the morning and the muck sucked my leg up to my knee.
Wednesday, 11/11 Day 4 Devil's Hopyard
Joe and Ian were co-leaders. Oatmeal--again. Tuna and cheese. I cooked veggie lasagna in one of those dried pouches--just add water. Not bad.
So, today's hike was up to the Devil's Hopyard. Anyone know what a hopyard is? It felt like a long trail, gradually uphill, lots of large rocks to scramble through and over. The cascade that falls in the hopyard runs underground down along this trail and at some points you can hear the water rushing below. I've been using my trekking poles for balance most of the trip and they've saved me numerous times from falling one way or another. On this trail I need to put them aside at times to do the scrambling. And then, we look up and read the posted sign--"Trail Ends." That's it. Trail Ends at this box canyon-like place that I read about in horse books when I was a girl. The wild horses would be stampeded into the canyon to be caught. Walls surround us except for the trail in. So, Joe and Ian send a few scouts out to
see what our options are because no one is thrilled about going back the way we just came. Beth heads off to the right and comes back saying that the climb is totally doable. . . with a few caveats. Since the climb is so steep, we need to stay low and hug the climb so our 50 lb packs don't pull us backwards. Oh, and there's pervasive moss, make sure you test your steps because your foot could go through thick moss into a black hole. Joe and Ian are torn. Were they on their own, they'd do the climb in a minute. They're not at all comfortable leading a group up. But no one really wants to retrace and Beth is sure we can all do it. She wouldn't say we could do it if she didn't really think we could, right? Mike asks me what I think and I cast my fate to the wind since everyone seems ready to go. "F it, let's go." I've been dropping the F bomb a lot lately.
The group moves out fast through the brush to the base of the climb and some are already scrambling up 25' before I even find a path to take. I'm basically following Joe and Ian but my first step shoves through the moss into nothingness. I'm frightened and turn back through the brush to find a different way. But I can't get through easily and there are only a few packs still in view, the rest having moved out of sight up the climb. My little kid self starts to break and I feel left behind and alone. Where can I go? The route I already tried proved dangerous with the first step. Metaphors race through my head as I realize that the rest of them found ways up and I have no choice but to try again and find my steps. . . or hang out with the devil. So, with 50 lbs on my back beckoning gravity, I cling as I test each step before setting my weight down. My pack is pushing my head
forward so I can only see about 3 feet up ahead of me--when my hat isn't sliding over my eyes. Every once in a while I feel the tears start again, angry at Beth for making us go this route so we can test ourselves, angry at everyone for leaving me behind. And, behind anger is fear. At some point Joe slows and starts talking me up the climb. "Take a step to your left. There's a good handhold above your head on the right. Contour over to the left. You're doing great." Then we reach the scree, loose rocks to get through. From somewhere above I hear Beth call down trying to lighten me, "So, Eileen, what's harder, climbing or childbirth?" She referenced that it was 34 years ago that I had given birth to my first son and I could never then imagine being on the White Mountains today. Now I just muttered under my breath, "F you." Beth called again. This time I hurl the F bomb good and loud. Joe chuckles and continues to talk me up the mountain. Joe is my leader. Beth tells Joe he's doing a great job coaching me up. Every now and then I feel the tears well and then I blink them back knowing they will rise when I get to the top.
The group is sitting, waiting, talking, packs off but I sit outside the group, spent. Beth comes over, gives me a hug and a kiss on my head as my tears fall and says to join when I'm ready. She wants to debrief about leadership and the decision to climb, talk about what we all gained and what we would have lost had we not taken the challenge. She is artful and insightful as her leadership envelopes us with reason. When she's finished, I speak through my tears about how I felt left behind (my little kid was still angry) which was completely counter to my repeated assertions that I don't want to hold the group back. I said I was angry that Anna could feel it was a great climb and challenge, and acknowledged that I also want Anna and everyone to feel good about their climbs and challenges--oh, my adult self showed up! I say it's a no-win situation but I had to at least talk about it to get rid of it. Beth reminds the group that I have a fear of heights and at some point I hear Beth ask me, "Who are you trying to be?" As I wrote in my journal, "Very tough day and then I acted like an ass." We pack up, move on and I step about 15 feet and trip, cut my shin deeply and roll to my side, vulnerable like a bug on its back. Beth hauls me up by my pack which was to happen again at least a few times.
I stayed in a funk the rest of the night, even during the debrief at the fire. I tried to pull out but couldn't. I just wanted to get to sleep and hope I'd wake up renewed. More night train whistles.
Tuesday, 11/10 Day 3 north along the Mill Brooke Trail to Rogers Ledge
Breakfast, oatmeal mixed with my 2nd egg. Lunch PBJ and cheese. Dinner?
Erin and I are co-leaders and start pretty close to the right time although we're still behind. It's cooler than yesterday and we plan to hike 4+ miles on trail. Seems simpler than yesterday's leadership needs since there's no need for bearings.
On the trail, I mentioned that it was my son Kurt's birthday. "Who'd have thought then that 34 years later I'd be hiking the White Mountains in the Outdoor Leadership Program. . . because it is, after all, not about my son's birthday but, rather, about me. Beth made a point periodically to ask if hiking in this moment was harder than childbirth.
Erin chose to entertain herself and others with a riddle game that I thought had shades of Monte Python. She secretly assigned a trigger word to Mike who, when he heard anyone say it, would respond "I'm a naughty little school girl." Eventually Sarah figured out the connection and received her own trigger word and phrase. Beth eventually asked Sarah not to repeat her phrase as it was triggering in its own way. Erin amused herself all day, Ian's hemorroids sometimes bringing her to the point of tears. She has a creative brain, that one!
Lunch time brought us to Rogers Ledge, our first real opportunity for some scenic viewing. Off to the left is Square Mountain and Beth has us taking bearings. Since heights are problematic for me and seeing someone near the cliff edge flips my stomach, I yelled, "I'm a mother and I'm a co-leader. Back your ass away from that cliff! Remember the 4' perimeter." Typically I would say butt, but this group requires ass. I think it was Joe who said a couple of days later that it was one of the funnier things heard so far.
At some point Beth told Erin and I that we had been shooting from the hip in terms of our leadership and needed to be more intentional and informative. I know I needed to be more directed in my leadership. I had talked briefly with Erin in the morning about direction but her sense was to be more laissez-faire. To borrow a line from Erin, I didn't want to be the ass. I've been trying to let go of my need for control and understanding the big picture, and to become more able to go with the flow. But leadership requires more planning and maybe even a Plan B. When my instincts feel right, I need to pay attention and push myself to speak up. We were fortunate that the day went rather well, the most notable being the riddle game. After Beth's caution, we started talking more to each other and the group in terms of decisions. But we became the example of needing to check in with Beth and Kate the night before to talk about the next day's plan, route, etc. Each day the co-leaders learned something from the mistakes of the previous co-leaders. Learning--that's a good thing. One thing I felt good about was choosing a safe and solid place to cross a stream. The rocks at this point were large and spaced well. Erin had handed it off to me and it was the most definitive I had been in decision making. We all crossed safely and dryly and camped 100 yards away.
LNT and natural history presentations:
Ian: "Disposing of Waste Properly"
Kristi-"Leave What You Find" and "Peaks of the White Mountains"
Jen: Tamias, or "Chipmunks"
Set up camp in the dark, again.
Monday, 11/9 Day 2 (first full day) north to Deer Mountain and Rogers Ledge
Kristi and George are co-leaders; we started 2.5 hours late because the group didn't pull it together in the morning. Start the morning with my daily oatmeal and raisins and digging a cathole. Thankfully, some things are consistent. Lunch was tuna and cheese on flat bread. Dinner, Mac'n cheese, dried veggies, tuna, nutritional yeast--use up the heaviest meals to carry!
Mild, NW winds--"Winds bring change," says Beth hopefully. Mild weather won't give us the learning misery they've promised.
Before we head out, I give my presentation on moose facts complete with laminated text and pictures; moose habitat, how to identify tracks, seasonal scat differences, moose browse on its favorite trees, etc. I split the group into threes and give them separate topics to read, scout the area and then bring info back to the group. Beth makes a plan with Joe and Anna and calls us over to a pile of scat. She picks up a piece, inspects it and puts one in her mouth, shares with Joe and Anna, extolling the benefits as they chew. Mike follows suit quicker than Beth can stop him, he unaware that the other 3 are chewing chocolate. Beth gets Mike to spit out the pellet before he chews. "You're killin' me, Mikey!" shouts Beth, everyone laughing in disbelief, including Mike. Mike is a full participation kind of guy. My presentation goes well and I'm happy to be done early in the trip rather than at the end as I did in the Raquette River. I hoped in vain that we'd spot a moose but, while we saw plenty of scat and tracks on our trails, a dozen trail-hiking, bush-crashing humans are quite unlikely to spot moose.
Bushwhacking! Bushcrashing! Same thing, same results. Why do it? Over the course of a few hours, we went only about 3/4 mile and it was exhausting and demoralizing. We kept taking leapfrog compass bearings and would direct runners toward the bearing until we almost lost sight of them. We'd yell for them to stop and then they would take a bearing and someone else would run for them. In the process, we'd be pushing through brush, saplings, and busted hanging limbs that would snag the top of our packs. If you had more flexibility, you could bend lower but my flex was already compromised and adding the pack almost eliminated it. Consequently, I was typically at the tail end though not entirely alone. That's probably when my brand new pack got a hole in the fancy stretchy pocket and popped out my thermos full of Miso soup. In thirty years it'll be a Leave No Trace cultural artifact that should be left as part of the landscape.
Planning our route in a classroom may as well have been in a vacuum since we couldn't know the realities. Because we had such a late start and made such little headway, the leaders conferred and decided that we should head down to the trail rather than up to and across Deer Mountain ridge. Hopefully this tactic would help to get us back on track and to Rogers Ledge the next day.
So, it was decided that to keep the group together, one of the group goals, the slower hikers should set the pace.
"Hey, Eileen. How about if you come up front and lead?" Annoyed, I gave in with an expletive under my breath.
"Okay," I thought, "you want me to set the pace? I'll set you a pace."
On this level trail, I set a pace that left them in my dust. Not at all good Expedition Behavior (EB) but it both surprised and satisfied my need to be more than a drag. Beth caught up with me and said with acknowledgment, "Hey, Eileen. You done being a lion?"
"No," I said emphatically, wanting to keep moving.
When we continued on, I got called back again because the pace truly wasn't working for the group. Okay. Point made. I'll be a good EB groupie again.
We had a tough time finding a campsite along the trail in the dark and Jen's knee was hurting and she was feeling nauseous (the nausea may actually have been on another day). Beth told her that nausea can come from built up toxins from all the hiking we did and that it could pass once she can clear it out of her system. We scouted around and finally found land that could accommodate bodies and gear in some reasonable manner, then set up camp in the dark. My night to cook dinner, I decided to lighten my pack and cook the heavy mac 'n cheese with dried veggies and tuna and added nutritional yeast.
The night was clear with a balmy wind as we held our debrief. I suggested that we start "hot seats" again as we did on the Raquette River so a couple of people volunteered to start.
The night was so warm that I sweated most of the night in my brand new bivy that had high ratings for its ability to stay dry, and my real selling point was that it had 2 side zippers that zipped to my hips so hopefully I wouldn't feel like I was in a top loading casket. Just before I closed my eyes, the starry starry night made me smile with sweet reward. Woke at 2:30 a.m. to distant train whistles.
Sunday, 11/8 Day 1 York Pond
Left GCC at 10:30 in the morning rather than 9 a.m. because Jen's car broke down driving from Worcester. Joe drove the van and Mike rode with George following us in his car. Weather is anticipated to be 50s/30s most of the week. . . probably much to the dismay of our instructors. We dropped off George's car at South Pond as an emergency vehicle then drove to York Pond.
After a short briefing from today's co-leaders Jen and Mike they talk about the challenges of being the first leaders and it being a driving day and that maybe they should have talked more in advance despite being able to pull it off. Mike gives a presentation on camping/hiking on durable surfaces and then we hike in about .5 mile to set up camp in the dark.We did our first "river crossing"--a little stream, and I felt so unbalanced with my ill-fitting floppy 50 lb pack.
Tonight we set up camp in the dark--the first of 3 nights in a row. Kristy and I are tarp/cook buddies and after we set up our tarps, Kristy cooks first--pasta and fresh peppers with parmesan cheese. I add tuna from a packet for protein and since Kristy isn't into tuna, I save the rest for tomorrow.
I begin filling in the journal we are required to keep and I note that my level of challenge today is easy. My pack doesn't fit well and needs adjusting in the morning.
I'm very tired and ready to zip up in Beth's borrowed 5 degree mummy and my new bivy that hopefully won't feel like a casket.
So far, pictures are by Jen and Anna but there were other cameras shuttering, too.
Saturday, 11/7 Day before we leave
All sharing co-leader responsibilities; Erin and I have Day 3. Fully expecting not to have adequate food comforts, tonight I bought my last supper--a tub 'o mac 'n cheese, bottle of chocolate milk, and a pint of Barts ice cream--Chocolate Mousse w/Raspberries. I'll drool over Barts knowing it waits for me when I return.
When talking with Char last year about her backpacking trips, she laughed, "Oh, the Whites are a whole different beast!" Tomorrow I embark to meet the beast and without the training I had envisioned. We had our gear shakedown yesterday and my pack is supposedly well packed but heavy. I don't have as much dried food as I could and I'm figuring I'll bring a couple of hard boiled eggs to have something fresh early on.
The overriding tenor of this trip is that it will be quite possibly the toughest of the year. We will be doing cold river crossings in water shoes unless we bought a pair of double plastic boots with removable liners to keep tucked in our sleeping bags at night. If we didn't manage to purchase the plastics and our leather boots get wet and freeze, well, there's a morning dance to make them flex and warm before we get out hiking again. Cold and potentially soaked, we'll be miserable and ready to snap at each other. The million dollar question of the trip--will we also develop trench foot along with our potential new skills? And, still more shopping 1 day out. . . .
Need to do some heavy duty reframing. Like, I am so grateful to be going on this trip tomorrow so that I can fully participate in life. And, I am grateful. And fortunate. Oh, and Char also said that the mountains are sacred. And Kris told me to go make friends with the mountains. Two wonderful new ways of anticipating my next week. Making friends in sacred space. This is the energy I need and will bring with me.
Week Prior to leaving
Much prep. Last minute gear buying. Trip planning seems pretty much a done deal with permits having come through. Several weeks ago, both groups split up duties to plan our trips. It was our foray into the nuts and bolts required for a group backcountry adventure; itinerary, transportation, emergency protocols, vehicle and emergency vehicles, etc. The process felt fairly disjointed so I think the biggest lesson learned is to find a better way to make it more seamless next time around. Not sure what that would look like.
More recently we've been going over risk management with a lesson not unlike the game Clue--solve the mystery in a certain allotted time, with lots of people talking at once, equals chaos. I suggested we try to bring some order to the chaos. A few seconds of silence and then it resumed. Oh, of course. Slow to the game and the point. Make sense of differing opinions and understandings. The lesson moved on to the Deerfield River accident several years ago. We read the scenario of the near drowning and dissected the event to understand what went wrong and what might have been done to avoid the tragedy.
Planning on getting lost while we're out? Remember to Stay Put and Stay Dry. And then there were the horror stories of those who kept moving and got wet. One guy went out to pee at night and fell onto an icy bobsled run and disappeared down its drainage hole, never to be seen again.
Later in the week Sarah L, having spent several weeks on a NOLs expedition, gave a lesson on male and female hygiene in the backcountry. As potential leaders, we all need to be able to talk comfortably about bodies and their functions with all ages of folks we could be leading. It gets especially sensitive with adolescents. Sarah led us through descriptions of ailments and remedies, including menstrual issues and diva cups. Menstruation. Jock itch (ringworm of the groin). UTIs. Vaginitis. Number twos. How to wipe. Like so many taboos, say it enough and it's no biggy. Good times.
Trip Advisors: Beth and Kate
Students and co-leaders: Anna, Eileen, Erin, George, Ian, Jen, Joe, Kristy, Mike, Sarah
Sara, Me, Beth, Erin hidden, Joe, Ian, Kate, Kristy, George, Mike, Jen, Anna taking pix
Click on pix to make them bigger.
I'm in borrowed blue and green gaiters, probably from the 70s, and wearing an orange pack.
We gather round and Kristy and George, today's co-leaders, instruct us to walk out silently, space ourselves so we have some reflective time as we hike the path out to the road. I move through the brush and wait for reflective space. As I place my first step onto the path, tears wash my cheeks. Conflict of leaving wells up when just hours earlier I couldn't wait to get out of hell. Now, I don't want to leave! What have I done here this week? I want answers before I leave. Did I appreciate the sacredness? Did I make friends with the mountains? Friends. What about friends? Well, friends can test you and I surely was. But despite the tests, you can still want to be with friends. There is goodness and pull beneath the testing. So, maybe I have made friends with the mountains. They tested me and now I don't want to leave. My metaphor works in the moment and I can feel the tears without a sense of panic but rather relief. I bend down with my lighter pack and let the cold stream waters run over my hand. I want to take the sensation with me. I look around with intent. I feel the release and some sense of joy in the knowing.
We hike up the road to the Fish Hatchery where the van is parked. We crack open the trailer, get clothes and throw in our packs. We all stink. Anna comes by all wet and fresh looking and gives me the idea to wet my hair again and do a little wash. The icy stream is invigorating. I feel deeply cleansed by mountain water in mountain woods. I sit in the trailer and pull off my wet boots and plastic bag vapor barriers that kept my socks and feet dry. I'm the driver today and look forward to street clothes and the experience of driving a 12 passenger van with a trailer. Sarah Maney grabs shotgun so it's a rockin' ride home. I feel satisfied smiles cross my face as I drive and sense my own and our shared accomplishment. Bring on breakfast!
Saturday, 11/14 Day 7 down from Mt. Cabot and east along Bunnell Notch Trail
Anna and Erin are co-leaders
No idea what I ate but it's gettin' low
My feet were wrapped anew before we left the cabin but as soon as I took a few steps I knew they were a problem. Stopping to undo and re-wrap was not an option. I kept telling myself on the descent that I'd be able to take care of them when we got into camp. We're on the last full day of hiking and we need to keep moving. Sarah, Ian and I had a conversation about medicinal pot and otherwise. Sarah wrote a paper on pot so was a fount of information. I was moving slowly because of my feet and knees which were long done with all the descending. The clouds threatened rain but held off. We pulled off the trail to have lunch.Not one to wear hats even when it's cold, I've discovered the secondary benefit--cover your bad hair. I still don't like the look on me. I'd thought about wetting my hair to get some curls back but hadn't done it. Beth, Kristy, and Erin had pulled off the trail and we could hear their shrieks as they dunked their heads in the icy stream. Feeling like I missed a shared moment, Beth pointed to the same stream running by our lunch spot. Well, yeah. I can still have my own moment. I dunked my hair and felt the shocking refreshment of cold on my head. My curls would dry, or freeze, and I'd be some semblance of my pre-hat self. Kind of a backcountry spa.
Scenario or real? Meanwhile, Beth is getting hypothermic with efforts to create a litter and at Beth's suggestion, a tarp is raised because rain kicked in just about at WFR time. Someone else suggests that we feed her and Kate says slowly and lowly, "All I've got is Beth's chocolate bar." I take that as a suggestion and grab the bar, breaking small pieces so as not to choke her. I put one into her mouth and I realize my mistake just as she chokes. I yell that we need to turn her to her side and someone else says sweep her mouth. I stick my finger into her mouth to sweep the chocolate successfully but wonder how bad my finger tastes given that I was sucking tuna from it at lunch and who knows when I last washed them. Backcountry hygiene. A few more feeble attempts and finally Beth calls an end to the game. She notes how no one touched her to do a head to toe exam. No one checked for bleeding. She potentially had a TBI given that she fell so I shouldn't have fed her. And she noted I swept her mouth without a glove so appreciated my blind trust in her good health. And, she let the chocolate slide down to her throat so she would choke for real.
"Oh, and who sacrificed their down parka to warm me? It felt great!"As she shakes and puts on a jacket, she says, "Do you think this is perceived or real hypothermia?"
Oh, it's real.
I say to her, "Beth, you're hard core!"
"I want my students to learn," she says emphatically, "and the only way they'll learn is if it's real."
We get moving fast so Beth can warm up. It was a kinder, gentler scenario than in WFR training. Beth: They're killin' me!
The rain is coming down steady now and we're getting soaked. My boots, dry all week despite stepping through streams and getting sucked up to my knees in mud, are now completely wet in just an hour of steady rain. My toes and knees are hurting more and my clothes are soaked through. This is the misery Beth promised and hoped for so we'd see what it's like. We finally decided to make camp. We put up tarps but feeling hypothermic, I tried to find dry clothes to put on. I couldn't figure out why my down parka felt wet--I sacrificed it in WFR. Point taken. I was called twice to come out because we were meeting for a presentation and other discussion. Totally annoyed, I threw my water bottle and stomped over to the group. We did a hypothermia dance to get the blood pumping. And then there was the required bear hang to be accomplished. I had yet to do one but I also can't throw the rope high enough into the tree. Ian, the former pitcher, had our best shot. And, it was an exercise 'cause the hang was likely not necessary.
Back in my tarp, I got into my sleeping bag and bivy and never came out the rest of the night. In tears again, I was sure I was a lightweight who couldn't hack it as soon as the rain dumped. I can't wait to be done with this F'ing trip. We had doubled up our tarp with Jen and Anna so the debrief of the WFR was held under our tarps in the pouring rain. Again, I never left my cocoon. Everyone left to make supper and it was Kristy's turn to cook. I told her to cook what she wanted and I would cook my comfort food--garlic mashed potatoes that I would mix with the dried vegs, Sloppy Joe mix and the brown gravy mix. Kristy changed her mind, likely in support, and said it sounded good to her. It wasn't. It was the worst meal that week. We agreed that I owe her fresh baked cookies when we get back.
The group gathered back again for the general debrief and last Hot Seats, all a challenge to hear given the popcorn rain on the tarps. I began to feel human again and could begin to participate. George was cold so I lent him my Nalgene hot water bottle for his hands. One of my Hot Seat questions, "What would my sons say were pet peeves if asked?" I said I'd come back to that 'cause I was coming up blank but knew there was possibly a deep pot. I checked in with Kurt and Russ when I got home and they both said that sometimes I leave long voice mail messages. That's it? Don't hit the bees nest too hard.
We finished up by 8 o'clock and there was group relief to get to bed early. I wasn't moving in the rain so hoped I wouldn't have to get up to pee--fat chance. I wasn't enjoying the sound of rain as I normally would but I kept listening for its ebb and when it did I took advantage and came back to sleep again. Beth told us, depending on weather, there's a technique to keeping your bivy dry, no matter how well it's rated. Leave an opening near your face so that your breath escapes rather than creates condensation. And, it's helpful to unzip and let body heat and steam out so that you and your stuff don't sit in a puddle. I'll bet this description makes tent die-hards say no thanks.
Friday, 11/13 Day 6 south to Mt. Cabot OR bagging 3 peaks in 1 day
Jen and Mike are co-leaders
The usual for breakfast, PB&J for lunch and maybe a bite of cheese, something pasta for supper
Did I mention that this is my first ever backpacking trip? Consequently, I've mainly focused on putting one foot in front of the other so I don't trip on rocks, roots, or get my feet sucked into the muddy sink holes which are unavoidable. So looking around at the British Soldiers or the boreal forest, or trying to catch a glimpse of a phantom moose has been low priority. I make efforts to do map checks but sometimes the best I can do is pull my maps out of my gaiters and hope someone knows where we are. Not a shining example of outdoor leadership. British Soldiers
Before we head out, I say that I need to check my feet because I think I have hot spots. What I really have are two bruised toes from banging into my boots on the downhills. Beth wraps them and it helps a lot and gets me through the day. We move on and find another pond that has a thin layer of ice and our only way across is over a beaver dam. While we walk one at a time, Beth goes off for a bio break and returns to tell us she saw a moose. The moose saw a human so slid back into the woods. Later on the trail, someone spotted a rack of moose antlers and Ian tries them on for size.
The 3 bagger day was a killer and because I wasn't paying attention to the maps, I didn't know the plan until after we bagged #1. Mt. Horn is 4000' plus and the first of the three. I make a point of not looking up when we climb because I need to live in the present--my feet in front of me rather than anticipating the steepness ahead. Kate was teaching us the rest step used by climbers of Everest. It takes some practice and patience to learn but has merit. This was the longest climb I'd ever done and there was nothing to do but move forward. And up. When I thought of it, I would meditate. "I am stronger than I know." "Awakening, Activating, Inner Powers" "Victory after struggle." Sometimes I just did what I had to do and listened to the random conversations in front or behind me. Kate told me we were getting close to the summit. It was one of those encouraging lies to keep you moving.
Eventually we did summit Mt. Horn. What I saw shook me after the long forest trails. "Oh, it's beautiful," I wept. This is why I climbed." Tree covered peaks spread out in front of me as far as I could see. Mike called "Eileenie" and I saw that he, Beth, and others had climbed up a fat tower of rock and were having lunch. Heights or no heights, I didn't come all this way not to get to the top. I grabbed my lunch out of my pack and Erin showed me the easier way up. At the top of the rock, there was a 360 degree view. Beth pointed out the Presidentials and the tower that incongruously identifies Mount Washington. Another view has long rolling hills that stretch out to the north. Tears came intermittently as I took in the beauty and the vastness. Beth gave me a cup of the best hot pea soup I ever tasted."It's Lipton's," she laughed.
At this moment, it's the best I ever tasted. She followed it up with some frozen Nutella chunks. . .she has a knack for treats at just the right time.
This was a working lunch and we all have green pen marks on our maps as we did more triangulation on different peaks. It was then that I learned that today we would bag The Bulge #2 as well as Mt. Cabot #3. Jen pointed out the peaks and I remember my disbelief but it was possibly lessened by the fact that our 30 minute working lunch was over and we needed to get on our way. Oh, but I could have stayed for hours! I had finally found the sacredness and wanted to feel and imbibe and be healed. But these trips are not meant to be personal trips as such though they are such personal challenges for me. While they aren't races, they are about moving. Always moving. Sometimes retracing to get back on track. There really hasn't been time to write in our required journals never mind sit in sacredness on a mountain top. I get up and leave, heavy, with a vow to return with a pace that allows for other kinds of movement.
More climbing to The Bulge that has no vista and then on again to Mt. Cabot that has just enough vista to appreciate the sunset through the trees. And, we can spend the night in Cabot Cabin just 50' from the bio potty. We hold our debrief in the cabin and I claim time to share what I've determined about myself and my recent struggle. I tell them that months ago when I was undecided about whether or not to do the program, I told Austin I was worried about not being able to keep up. He said our purpose is to teach people how to lead the general public. Part of our learning will be developing patience. Prior to the program starting, I could be comfortable with playing the role of general public. But once in the program, I have never felt that comfort and strive to be anything else. But Beth's question, 'Who are you trying to be?' made me think on it again. "Now, we all know that on level ground and if I'm fired up, I can set a pace," I laughed, referring to leaving them in the dust when I was angry about being the slow one asked to set the pace. "And I realize that I'm happy enough with that ability. And, it's a fact that I'm one of the slow ones on the ascents and descents. I think now I can be the general public as I continue to learn in OLP. I'm your peer and I'm your general public and I hope you learn patience or whatever you need. Use me!"
I also take time to acknowledge Jen and to pass on "the medal." The medal was given to Mike for an extraordinary feat--I forget exactly how Beth phrased it, the morning that he tasted Moose poop. After my climb at Devil's Hopyard, Mike passed the medal to me. I appreciated his gesture but felt conflicted about accepting it. I realized a couple of days later that I still had it and wanted to pass it on. Today was the day. Jen was co-leader and she easily holds people to task, no nonsense. I told the group that she was setting a steady uphill pace that would keep us together as a group. I was not quite keeping up with her, though, so she was often on her own, ahead 10' or 12', uninvolved in the conversations behind her. That can be a lonely trail and it made me think about the lonely place that leadership can sometimes be. So I passed the medal to Jen.
Sarah Maney was wearing her medal that Beth had given to all of our group on completing the Raquette River trip and I asked if I could borrow it. I told people that in the morning I had been rushing, last again, and Sarah had stopped to ask if she could help me. We walked out together to catch up with the rest of the group getting water. In my rush, I noticed Anna sitting on the ground tying her boots, but I continued on, assuming she would be along soon. Sarah was more perceptive, though, and asked Anna if she was alright. That made me turn around and I saw that Anna was in tears because her hands were getting cut up trying to keep her new double plastic boots tied. Of course I went back to her but it was Sarah who had taken time to notice. Sarah was doing what we had all been tasked with--"You're not ready until everyone is ready." That's good Expedition Behavior. I wanted to acknowledge her caring leadership and her medal came back to her with new meaning attached.
Thursday, 11/12 Day 5 route change: bushwhack back to the KRT and south to North Peak and Rogers Ledge Campsite
Anna and Sarah are co-leaders.
Oatmeal and raisins, tuna and cheese, pasta with cream sauce and beef
I was functioning out of my funk in the morning until I was late again for circle-up and my funk came crashing back. Damn. It was determined that we would buddy up for the day and by design or luck, Sarah was my buddy. I was grateful. If anyone can help pull me out of this funk, wild and crazy Sarah can. But we were bushcrashing again so that helped to maintain the funk. And I was particularly sensitive to what sometimes felt like patronizing care. I think we got somewhat lost today and had to do some triangulations to find out where we were.
By the debrief, I had worked out of my funk and acknowledged and apologized for it. Jen said I needed to stop apologizing. (Jen's Mom has been a great role model, empowering Jen in many ways.) I also said that I struggle to accept help from people and am working on that but that care is a fine line this side of patronizing and that I would not appreciate.
This may have been the night of the very smoky fire when Ian and Sarah were avoiding the smoke and not close enough to be warm and developed early hypothermia. Beth said they had the mumbles. After the nightly leadership self-evaluation and group evaluation, we faded toward our tarps and sleep. It was an ugly place and no one was sad to leave. We got water on the way out in the morning and the muck sucked my leg up to my knee.
Joe and Ian were co-leaders. Oatmeal--again. Tuna and cheese. I cooked veggie lasagna in one of those dried pouches--just add water. Not bad.
So, today's hike was up to the Devil's Hopyard. Anyone know what a hopyard is? It felt like a long trail, gradually uphill, lots of large rocks to scramble through and over. The cascade that falls in the hopyard runs underground down along this trail and at some points you can hear the water rushing below. I've been using my trekking poles for balance most of the trip and they've saved me numerous times from falling one way or another. On this trail I need to put them aside at times to do the scrambling. And then, we look up and read the posted sign--"Trail Ends." That's it. Trail Ends at this box canyon-like place that I read about in horse books when I was a girl. The wild horses would be stampeded into the canyon to be caught. Walls surround us except for the trail in. So, Joe and Ian send a few scouts out to see what our options are because no one is thrilled about going back the way we just came. Beth heads off to the right and comes back saying that the climb is totally doable. . . with a few caveats. Since the climb is so steep, we need to stay low and hug the climb so our 50 lb packs don't pull us backwards. Oh, and there's pervasive moss, make sure you test your steps because your foot could go through thick moss into a black hole. Joe and Ian are torn. Were they on their own, they'd do the climb in a minute. They're not at all comfortable leading a group up. But no one really wants to retrace and Beth is sure we can all do it. She wouldn't say we could do it if she didn't really think we could, right? Mike asks me what I think and I cast my fate to the wind since everyone seems ready to go. "F it, let's go." I've been dropping the F bomb a lot lately.
The group moves out fast through the brush to the base of the climb and some are already scrambling up 25' before I even find a path to take. I'm basically following Joe and Ian but my first step shoves through the moss into nothingness. I'm frightened and turn back through the brush to find a different way. But I can't get through easily and there are only a few packs still in view, the rest having moved out of sight up the climb. My little kid self starts to break and I feel left behind and alone. Where can I go? The route I already tried proved dangerous with the first step. Metaphors race through my head as I realize that the rest of them found ways up and I have no choice but to try again and find my steps. . . or hang out with the devil. So, with 50 lbs on my back beckoning gravity, I cling as I test each step before setting my weight down. My pack is pushing my headforward so I can only see about 3 feet up ahead of me--when my hat isn't sliding over my eyes. Every once in a while I feel the tears start again, angry at Beth for making us go this route so we can test ourselves, angry at everyone for leaving me behind. And, behind anger is fear. At some point Joe slows and starts talking me up the climb. "Take a step to your left. There's a good handhold above your head on the right. Contour over to the left. You're doing great." Then we reach the scree, loose rocks to get through. From somewhere above I hear Beth call down trying to lighten me, "So, Eileen, what's harder, climbing or childbirth?" She referenced that it was 34 years ago that I had given birth to my first son and I could never then imagine being on the White Mountains today. Now I just muttered under my breath, "F you." Beth called again. This time I hurl the F bomb good and loud. Joe chuckles and continues to talk me up the mountain. Joe is my leader. Beth tells Joe he's doing a great job coaching me up. Every now and then I feel the tears well and then I blink them back knowing they will rise when I get to the top.
The group is sitting, waiting, talking, packs off but I sit outside the group, spent. Beth comes over, gives me a hug and a kiss on my head as my tears fall and says to join when I'm ready. She wants to debrief about leadership and the decision to climb, talk about what we all gained and what we would have lost had we not taken the challenge. She is artful and insightful as her leadership envelopes us with reason. When she's finished, I speak through my tears about how I felt left behind (my little kid was still angry) which was completely counter to my repeated assertions that I don't want to hold the group back. I said I was angry that Anna could feel it was a great climb and challenge, and acknowledged that I also want Anna and everyone to feel good about their climbs and challenges--oh, my adult self showed up! I say it's a no-win situation but I had to at least talk about it to get rid of it. Beth reminds the group that I have a fear of heights and at some point I hear Beth ask me, "Who are you trying to be?" As I wrote in my journal, "Very tough day and then I acted like an ass." We pack up, move on and I step about 15 feet and trip, cut my shin deeply and roll to my side, vulnerable like a bug on its back. Beth hauls me up by my pack which was to happen again at least a few times. I stayed in a funk the rest of the night, even during the debrief at the fire. I tried to pull out but couldn't. I just wanted to get to sleep and hope I'd wake up renewed. More night train whistles.
Tuesday, 11/10 Day 3 north along the Mill Brooke Trail to Rogers Ledge
Erin and I are co-leaders and start pretty close to the right time although we're still behind. It's cooler than yesterday and we plan to hike 4+ miles on trail. Seems simpler than yesterday's leadership needs since there's no need for bearings.
On the trail, I mentioned that it was my son Kurt's birthday. "Who'd have thought then that 34 years later I'd be hiking the White Mountains in the Outdoor Leadership Program. . . because it is, after all, not about my son's birthday but, rather, about me. Beth made a point periodically to ask if hiking in this moment was harder than childbirth.
Erin chose to entertain herself and others with a riddle game that I thought had shades of Monte Python. She secretly assigned a trigger word to Mike who, when he heard anyone say it, would respond "I'm a naughty little school girl." Eventually Sarah figured out the connection and received her own trigger word and phrase. Beth eventually asked Sarah not to repeat her phrase as it was triggering in its own way. Erin amused herself all day, Ian's hemorroids sometimes bringing her to the point of tears. She has a creative brain, that one!
At some point Beth told Erin and I that we had been shooting from the hip in terms of our leadership and needed to be more intentional and informative. I know I needed to be more directed in my leadership. I had talked briefly with Erin in the morning about direction but her sense was to be more laissez-faire. To borrow a line from Erin, I didn't want to be the ass. I've been trying to let go of my need for control and understanding the big picture, and to become more able to go with the flow. But leadership requires more planning and maybe even a Plan B. When my instincts feel right, I need to pay attention and push myself to speak up. We were fortunate that the day went rather well, the most notable being the riddle game. After Beth's caution, we started talking more to each other and the group in terms of decisions. But we became the example of needing to check in with Beth and Kate the night before to talk about the next day's plan, route, etc. Each day the co-leaders learned something from the mistakes of the previous co-leaders. Learning--that's a good thing. One thing I felt good about was choosing a safe and solid place to cross a stream. The rocks at this point were large and spaced well. Erin had handed it off to me and it was the most definitive I had been in decision making. We all crossed safely and dryly and camped 100 yards away.
LNT and natural history presentations:
Ian: "Disposing of Waste Properly"
Kristi-"Leave What You Find" and "Peaks of the White Mountains"
Jen: Tamias, or "Chipmunks"
Set up camp in the dark, again.
Monday, 11/9 Day 2 (first full day) north to Deer Mountain and Rogers Ledge
Kristi and George are co-leaders; we started 2.5 hours late because the group didn't pull it together in the morning. Start the morning with my daily oatmeal and raisins and digging a cathole. Thankfully, some things are consistent. Lunch was tuna and cheese on flat bread. Dinner, Mac'n cheese, dried veggies, tuna, nutritional yeast--use up the heaviest meals to carry!
Mild, NW winds--"Winds bring change," says Beth hopefully. Mild weather won't give us the learning misery they've promised.
Before we head out, I give my presentation on moose facts complete with laminated text and pictures; moose habitat, how to identify tracks, seasonal scat differences, moose browse on its favorite trees, etc. I split the group into threes and give them separate topics to read, scout the area and then bring info back to the group. Beth makes a plan with Joe and Anna and calls us over to a pile of scat. She picks up a piece, inspects it and puts one in her mouth, shares with Joe and Anna, extolling the benefits as they chew. Mike follows suit quicker than Beth can stop him, he unaware that the other 3 are chewing chocolate. Beth gets Mike to spit out the pellet before he chews. "You're killin' me, Mikey!" shouts Beth, everyone laughing in disbelief, including Mike. Mike is a full participation kind of guy. My presentation goes well and I'm happy to be done early in the trip rather than at the end as I did in the Raquette River. I hoped in vain that we'd spot a moose but, while we saw plenty of scat and tracks on our trails, a dozen trail-hiking, bush-crashing humans are quite unlikely to spot moose. 
Planning our route in a classroom may as well have been in a vacuum since we couldn't know the realities. Because we had such a late start and made such little headway, the leaders conferred and decided that we should head down to the trail rather than up to and across Deer Mountain ridge. Hopefully this tactic would help to get us back on track and to Rogers Ledge the next day.
So, it was decided that to keep the group together, one of the group goals, the slower hikers should set the pace.
"Hey, Eileen. How about if you come up front and lead?" Annoyed, I gave in with an expletive under my breath.
"Okay," I thought, "you want me to set the pace? I'll set you a pace."
On this level trail, I set a pace that left them in my dust. Not at all good Expedition Behavior (EB) but it both surprised and satisfied my need to be more than a drag. Beth caught up with me and said with acknowledgment, "Hey, Eileen. You done being a lion?"
"No," I said emphatically, wanting to keep moving.
When we continued on, I got called back again because the pace truly wasn't working for the group. Okay. Point made. I'll be a good EB groupie again.
We had a tough time finding a campsite along the trail in the dark and Jen's knee was hurting and she was feeling nauseous (the nausea may actually have been on another day). Beth told her that nausea can come from built up toxins from all the hiking we did and that it could pass once she can clear it out of her system. We scouted around and finally found land that could accommodate bodies and gear in some reasonable manner, then set up camp in the dark. My night to cook dinner, I decided to lighten my pack and cook the heavy mac 'n cheese with dried veggies and tuna and added nutritional yeast.
The night was clear with a balmy wind as we held our debrief. I suggested that we start "hot seats" again as we did on the Raquette River so a couple of people volunteered to start.
The night was so warm that I sweated most of the night in my brand new bivy that had high ratings for its ability to stay dry, and my real selling point was that it had 2 side zippers that zipped to my hips so hopefully I wouldn't feel like I was in a top loading casket. Just before I closed my eyes, the starry starry night made me smile with sweet reward. Woke at 2:30 a.m. to distant train whistles.
Sunday, 11/8 Day 1 York Pond
Left GCC at 10:30 in the morning rather than 9 a.m. because Jen's car broke down driving from Worcester. Joe drove the van and Mike rode with George following us in his car. Weather is anticipated to be 50s/30s most of the week. . . probably much to the dismay of our instructors. We dropped off George's car at South Pond as an emergency vehicle then drove to York Pond.
After a short briefing from today's co-leaders Jen and Mike they talk about the challenges of being the first leaders and it being a driving day and that maybe they should have talked more in advance despite being able to pull it off. Mike gives a presentation on camping/hiking on durable surfaces and then we hike in about .5 mile to set up camp in the dark.We did our first "river crossing"--a little stream, and I felt so unbalanced with my ill-fitting floppy 50 lb pack.
Tonight we set up camp in the dark--the first of 3 nights in a row. Kristy and I are tarp/cook buddies and after we set up our tarps, Kristy cooks first--pasta and fresh peppers with parmesan cheese. I add tuna from a packet for protein and since Kristy isn't into tuna, I save the rest for tomorrow.
I begin filling in the journal we are required to keep and I note that my level of challenge today is easy. My pack doesn't fit well and needs adjusting in the morning.
I'm very tired and ready to zip up in Beth's borrowed 5 degree mummy and my new bivy that hopefully won't feel like a casket.
So far, pictures are by Jen and Anna but there were other cameras shuttering, too.
Saturday, 11/7 Day before we leave
All sharing co-leader responsibilities; Erin and I have Day 3. Fully expecting not to have adequate food comforts, tonight I bought my last supper--a tub 'o mac 'n cheese, bottle of chocolate milk, and a pint of Barts ice cream--Chocolate Mousse w/Raspberries. I'll drool over Barts knowing it waits for me when I return.
When talking with Char last year about her backpacking trips, she laughed, "Oh, the Whites are a whole different beast!" Tomorrow I embark to meet the beast and without the training I had envisioned. We had our gear shakedown yesterday and my pack is supposedly well packed but heavy. I don't have as much dried food as I could and I'm figuring I'll bring a couple of hard boiled eggs to have something fresh early on.
The overriding tenor of this trip is that it will be quite possibly the toughest of the year. We will be doing cold river crossings in water shoes unless we bought a pair of double plastic boots with removable liners to keep tucked in our sleeping bags at night. If we didn't manage to purchase the plastics and our leather boots get wet and freeze, well, there's a morning dance to make them flex and warm before we get out hiking again. Cold and potentially soaked, we'll be miserable and ready to snap at each other. The million dollar question of the trip--will we also develop trench foot along with our potential new skills? And, still more shopping 1 day out. . . .
Need to do some heavy duty reframing. Like, I am so grateful to be going on this trip tomorrow so that I can fully participate in life. And, I am grateful. And fortunate. Oh, and Char also said that the mountains are sacred. And Kris told me to go make friends with the mountains. Two wonderful new ways of anticipating my next week. Making friends in sacred space. This is the energy I need and will bring with me.
Week Prior to leaving
Much prep. Last minute gear buying. Trip planning seems pretty much a done deal with permits having come through. Several weeks ago, both groups split up duties to plan our trips. It was our foray into the nuts and bolts required for a group backcountry adventure; itinerary, transportation, emergency protocols, vehicle and emergency vehicles, etc. The process felt fairly disjointed so I think the biggest lesson learned is to find a better way to make it more seamless next time around. Not sure what that would look like.
More recently we've been going over risk management with a lesson not unlike the game Clue--solve the mystery in a certain allotted time, with lots of people talking at once, equals chaos. I suggested we try to bring some order to the chaos. A few seconds of silence and then it resumed. Oh, of course. Slow to the game and the point. Make sense of differing opinions and understandings. The lesson moved on to the Deerfield River accident several years ago. We read the scenario of the near drowning and dissected the event to understand what went wrong and what might have been done to avoid the tragedy.
Planning on getting lost while we're out? Remember to Stay Put and Stay Dry. And then there were the horror stories of those who kept moving and got wet. One guy went out to pee at night and fell onto an icy bobsled run and disappeared down its drainage hole, never to be seen again.
Later in the week Sarah L, having spent several weeks on a NOLs expedition, gave a lesson on male and female hygiene in the backcountry. As potential leaders, we all need to be able to talk comfortably about bodies and their functions with all ages of folks we could be leading. It gets especially sensitive with adolescents. Sarah led us through descriptions of ailments and remedies, including menstrual issues and diva cups. Menstruation. Jock itch (ringworm of the groin). UTIs. Vaginitis. Number twos. How to wipe. Like so many taboos, say it enough and it's no biggy. Good times.
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