Celebrate!

Friends have planned a party to celebrate my year with me. Georgia and Cheri arrive from Cambridge and Amesbury. Cheri brings deep purple flowers in one of the Old Quaker bottles she has dug up on her property. They drop off their belongings since they'll stay at my place tonight, then they head over to Anne's to help out. I'll arrive by 6 or earlier--no need for a grand entrance. My pseudo discomfort in the limelight must move forward to appreciate those who surround me, soak up the caring. Anne is hosting, Georgia and Cheri are out on last minute errands, Char arrives, Barbara, others not far behind. A few are on vacation and can't come. I enjoy this warm feeling together with community I have been building but have felt so cut off from this year.

Everyone has brought pot-luck, of course, and because there was mention that I like an occasional Margarita, Cheri brings me one, part of the last minute need-to-gets. The OLP slideshow that Jen made for the graduates is playing on Anne's TV in the background as we gather with hugs and hellos. Food moves to plates, people mill and sit.

Suddenly a large box wrapped in newspaper and bows is in my lap. I open it and find a new sleeping bag from Anne, Georgia, and Cheri! I no longer have to borrow one from Beth! Some would say one only needs a bed of soft pine needles or moss.

There are more cards--with unexpected amounts of money from women in the room and from some who were away and couldn't come, so that I can buy a tent, or a used kayak. The generosity is overwhelming and I am shocked into tears. Char adds a book to her gift, meeting faith: An Inward Odyssey by faith adiele.

I reach for a reading of Gratitude that I have brought. It is a compilation from my blog and from my Independent Project. There are many who have supported me in specific ways over this last year and earlier and I have mentioned them by name. There are others who may not be named but are appreciated in my life just the same. I feel surrounded by caring and appreciation.

Then DJ Anne kicks on the tunes. We get home around 2 so  sleeping-in is in order for the morning. We head out to Shelburne Falls for Cheri's birthday brunch and show the city girls the Glacial Pot Holes.

In my thoughts about how to spend this money, I know a tent could give me the a sense of self sufficiency, survival. Hey, I could live in a tent for a while and work on those back-packing and camping skills. Then again, a kayak would allow me to hone my paddling skills which I'm afraid of losing if I don't have a way to paddle over the    Anne, Char, Cheri, Georgia, Me
summer. If I don't try to find a kayak now when I have this gift, I may not get one. It's interesting to witness the dilemma of suddenly having rather than not having.

Then the celebration is over. Or is it? Maybe I need to find ways to keep the joy and sense of accomplishment fresh. That could help me as I navigate the "what's next?" phase of this path in my life. I have had small bouts of antsy anxiety with this change in purpose and direction. I need to figure out the new path so that I can keep a forward movement toward new purpose. Trust. . . .

It has to turn out better than the formatting of pictures in this blog!
"Forget your perfect offering. . . . "

Graduation: I Am Certified!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Why did I think leaving at 9 a.m. was enough time to get to Wendell State Forest by 9:30? Directions say it's about 20 miles beyond GCC yet it never seemed that far whenever we traveled Route 2. Russ called and was leaving about the same time. Anne, Char, and I headed up the highway and got there about 20 minutes late. I called Beth to let her know, for the last time, that I was running late. Actually, I was usually at class early. Trips were my downfall. She was still on the road herself having run into paperwork problems. Austin and Sean were at the forest since 8 a.m. I apologized to Jen and Kristi who had put lots of time and energy into planning the event. Jen was surprisingly calm about it. "Other people just got here. Don't worry." Oh, relief. Didn't expect that.

Introductions around; meet other people's family and friends, introduce my own. I was happy to see that all the adjunct faculty made it; even Evan hauled down from northern VT. Austin announced tech issues with getting the slide-show playing. Jen had put it together and it will be a keepsake. We moved on from that to playing the song that Sarah Maney wrote and produced. Couldn't get that going either.

Okay, so we move on to the ceremony, starting with Katee H reading a speech she had written. Confirms the thoughtful nature that I noticed on the Racquette River so long ago in September. She also mentioned Eileen "breaking her ass." Next, distribution of certificates, noting the specialized certs we may have earned, and saying something about individuals. Faculty took turns introducing and handing out certificates. No telling what order but eventually Evan called my name. I wish I could remember the sweet things he had to say about me. I remember the word courage but that's pretty much it. OLP certifies us in several aspects. Additionally, professional organizations test and certify us. I am certified as:

Backcountry: OLP L1 Head (would have had Level 2 but my skiing accident meant I couldn't go on the winter trip. L2 includes winter season.)
Environmental Ethics: LNT (Leave No Trace) Trainer
Challenge Course: OLP L1
Rock Climbing: OLP Assistant
Canoeing: ACA L2 ERC Tandem   (American Canoe Association Level 2 tandem canoe; can't find terminology in the manual to explain ERC)
Sea Kayaking: ACA L2 EKT (American Canoe Association Level 2 (can't find terminology in the manual to explain EKT)
Nordic Skiing: OLP Assistant (couldn't finish the course because of my skiing injury)

Then Russ and Mary took turns saying something like friends and family were encouraged to do. Again, I wish I had a recording because I can't recall too much of what they said. Russ referenced the initial concern family had but that he was proud of what I did and that I gave him an appreciation of taking a risk when you are unhappy so that you don't maintain the mediocrity. Mary, knowing me since childhood, said that my sisters and brothers found a new reference for who I am as a person. They knew me as a child, knew me as a mother to their nephews, but have a new appreciation for me as someone who took on an unusual challenge. I felt happy to hear their thoughts and sentiments. We all had a student speak about us and Laura had my name. I think she said that when things become tough, she would remember me and know she can get through whatever trouble she has. Tried to absorb the statements and testimony.

When it was Ian's turn, I had his name and read something about him that I had written on my blog. Students who were afraid that their parents might embarrass them with what they had to say were, I think, relieved that comments were kept to a minimum and without tears, though close. Ah, parents.

Someone got the tech figured out and Austin moved his car closer and played Sarah's song on his stereo so we could hear. It was hard to catch most of it and Sarah was having none of lip-syncing or playing it live. I think she said we can hear it on her Facebook. And, someone got Jen's slide show playing. We all received a DVD of the slide show and a T-Shirt for which Jen's mom designed the picture on the back depicting Outdoor Leadership kinds of adventures. Pretty nice.

Then we lunched on the food we all brought followed by some of us canoeing on the pond. No repeat of the Great Blue Heron that our family saw fly out of the woods on a prehistoric-like flight in the '70s. We'd never seen one before. What I also missed seeing was Mikey edge the canoe to show his family what he can do--followed by a neat capsize. I might have paid money for that entertainment! I think Evan may have witnessed the aftermath--priceless. He'll never let Mikey live it down.

Russ left to get back to work. Said good-bye to most people though some had left without ceremony. Drove home with Anne and Char, all of us fading but reviewing the day. I was grateful to have them with me, both supportive in their own rites, Char instrumental in my decision to move forward. Marc reportedly is having a thing tonight. I'm happy to go to the People's Pint and meet Beth and anyone else who shows up. . .if I don't crash before that. Herein lies both the beauty and the bane of Facebook. Quick checks and pokes to see what's up with people. . . no major investment in time or concern. . . hopefully I'll learn the ins and outs of it sometime soon.

Several guests asked me what's next. "That's the million dollar question," I replied.

The OLP Ride Is Virtually Over

Monday, May 10, 2010

I have been blogging my brains out since I've been home, catching up for the week, staying up until 3 a.m., adding Acadia pictures as well as Challenge Course pictures that I hadn't had time to get off my camera. There's probably others I could add. Still irks me that I don't have a picture of me jumping off the Pamper Pole.

As I blog my memories, my first day getting my ID, the first gear check when Beth looked stunned at my bags and baggage but looked discretely away until she could plunge through and discard the extraneous, my first canoe trip, my first rock climb at Chapel where I freaked at 12', my first rappel attempt and my first rappel success, my first backpacking trip--the White Mountains, learning some semblance of setting up rock climbs, pulling on a dry suit without suffocating, white water canoeing, learning to edge in kayaks, and encouraging others how to do push through their own challenges. Then, because I'm in the forest I can't see the trees and must step out into the clearing to see my learnings and my accomplishments. Appreciation will evolve over time.

Riding with all these firsts, accomplishments, and appreciation, is the finality of the program. My adventure is virtually over. Acknowledging the fact is a challenge in itself and one I'm avoiding. The big "what now?" and "so what?" loom over me as possibly the deepest fall or highest climb. I'm afraid of the postpartum from this womb of schedule, purpose, and growing. This birthing leaves me independent, totally on my own for the first time in my life. . .the deepest fall or the highest climb. I need to pull in the trust and calm that I will find what I need if not what I want. This journey continues.

Still to come, individual conferences and graduation. The cutting loose is near.

Today Is Certification Day!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Today is Certification Day! Broke camp by 7:30 and drove to Otter Cliff parking lot. We non-Certs waited in support until Jon Tierney arrived, laid out the plan and expectations. I thought he did a decent job of trying to make things calm and not raise the stress level. Then again, I was going elsewhere. The Certs walked single file, off the road and inside the rock wall to their testing area, slightly south of our first day. We follow for a bit in sherpa support but are conscious of giving them space.

Gorgeous cliffs! Too bad they can't enjoy them for their beauty. Kaytee H decided to bag the cert so she made our threesome a foursome. We drove away slowly, taking in the rock towers the certs would work on today and all of us wishing them well.

Had breakfast in Bar Harbor and then drove to Cadillac Mountain. Hiking is closed May through late July to protect nesting Peregrine falcons. Cadillac is the highest point in the eastern seaboard and the wind whips around, at times forcing you to plant yourself to keep from being pushed around. We walked on the gravel paths and rocks, avoiding the renewing vegetation, to see the views. Katy found the you-are-here map which pointed out The Beehive, Otter Cliff where the cert group was setting up and climbing, Sand Beach, and Blackwoods Campgrounds that we had left. We found some rocks to hunker down among and avoid the wind and enjoy the sun's warmth. I eventually dozed and the others woke me with talk about going to town so Kaytee could buy a tie-dyed shirt. I thought that dozing more on my own sounded good so they agreed to come back in an hour to pick me up. I realized out of my dozing stupor that splitting up may not have been a good idea and took off to catch them. The last thing we need is to have a problem that could impact the cert group and no cell phones to reach each other. Damn. They were gone. Okay, worry breeds worry. Do something productive.

Oh, a visitor's center! Hadn't seen that before. Lots of information about native people. According to the center, Wabanake means "people from the land of the dawn". . . appropriate since someone standing on top of Cadillac Mountain could be the first person in the eastern U.S. to see the sun rise. There are four tribes that fall under the Wabanake. I recall Penobscot, Passamaquoddy, Maliseet, Micmac (mi'kmaq) but I forget the meaning of each name. I found a postcard for Fran of Otter Cliff and one of Thunder Hole for Sarah L and wrote them sitting on a rock in the wind.

My ride came back to pick me up and we headed back to the Otter Cliff parking lot. While waiting for the cert group to show up, we cleaned out the vans, prepped for returning gear, and laid on the warm pavement out of the wind. Austin hoped they'd be done by 3. They weren't. More like 4 or so before Austin, Sean, and Jon showed up and grouped up to go over assessments. Slowly the cert group straggled in, all anticipating their meeting to discover their fates. Mike was the first to go and his whoop and big smile told it all. Not everyone got it. Some that we've all seen do their setups this year didn't make it. Some had test anxiety, were too slow, etc. We all wanted everyone to get the cert and thought of them throughout the day. Hard that they didn't get it after the week of stress. Some laid on the pavement as we had to stretch and warm. I gave massages to several. . . a way to support and care.

Once the vans were loaded we headed out. Our smaller van caught up with Austin at a gas station and again in Greenfield. The larger van with trailer was further out because they stopped for a lobster dinner. At 1 a.m. we didn't wait for them and will pick up our gear on Tuesday when we're there for individual conferences. Gave Erin and Sarah L. rides home. Fell into bed around 2 a.m. This was my last OLP adventure. . . .

Acadia, Cert Practice or The Opera

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Katy O went with the cert group today so Sarah L and I stayed behind, took the small van and went into town for coffee. Found a sweet Opera House Internet Cafe and stayed there from about 10 a.m. until 3ish! I blogged a couple of days worth, Sarah checked her email, and then we both talked for hours, nice since we really have not gotten to know each other over the year. She is the epitome of info tech--talking with me in person, talking and texting on the phone to her girlfriend about intense life stuff happening while Sarah is away. Technology allows us not to concentrate or focus on any one thing for long.

Got back to camp around 4 p.m., just a few minutes behind the group and in time for presentations. Still can't find my blue bag and red bag and am getting frustrated and angry. Two days now and I've been through the trailer and all my stuff. I hate that I'm so disorganized and see knowing here-we-go-again smiles pass between people. This is pretty much the only time that I've gotten down on myself this trip.

Started to walk to the rocks but chickened out--too dark and lonely. Rained much of the day and I felt badly for all the cert people in the rainy, raw, and windy day trying to set up climbs. Amazingly, they seemed in better moods when they got back today than they did yesterday after meeting the examiner and seeing what he is like. Tomorrow they go for their certifications! We need to pack up because we head home from the climb site rather than from camp.

Stopped writing to talk a bit when Erin and Aaron came under the table tarp to hang. Lots of rain still so people are sticking to their own sites. Once the hang is over, I pull out my book to finish writing. Earlier, Anna came by holding a torn cracker wrapper that she found. Turns out it was mine and a raccoon got to it during the night. Apparently I left my pack "brain" out with crackers, forgetting about bear and critter hangs. Raccoons have hands that can pull zippers and dig out what they want. Katy O wasn't as fortunate the next night. The raccoon unzipped her pack but then ripped her stuff sack that had various treats. Oh, we got sloppy at this campground--despite all the warnings. Fine LNT Trainers we are. Learn through experience.

I'm looking forward to getting home, though disappointed that I don't have the vision quest to do this last weekend before OLP ends. That would have been a good way to wrap up this year. Friends are planning a party for me next Saturday. I love that they're making a celebration. I kind of wish it were later though because it would prolong my OLP status in some vague and ethereal sense. . .delusional.

Acadia, The Beehive

Wednesday, May 5, 2010  (Cinco de Mayo)

PB&J on top of The Beehive tastes pretty good. Austin had suggested The Beehive as a possible climb while the cert folks were doing their work. Sarah had done it before and knew about a ladder on the rock. Sounds good so Katy O, Sarah L, and I hit the trail.

The Beehive is 520'--vertical but great rock to climb. The Beehive looks out over Sand Beach where we were yesterday. Gorgeous. Light house to the east sounds a horn in 30 second intervals and then 2 second intervals. Outside of the height factor, The Hive, as I imagine the shorthand, is a relatively easy climb. I say easy and yet see it listed as strenuous. Sure it was but I so enjoyed it. Maybe because I get to use my whole body to sometimes scramble, rather than just walk. I like rocks more than trails. We found iron rungs in places where there was no good footing or handholds; sometimes the rungs were a ladder effect to get us up to the next point. At one spot there was a grating to fill in where one had to cross. At times, when I knew if I looked down or thought too much, I shook off what was creeping in my brain and kept going. We were rock climbing but having much more fun than sweating a cert exam!

Bar Harbor is the town where we get coffee, have a meal, or some of us watch the Bruins' play-offs. Before our hike we stopped at a Native American jewelry store in Bar Harbor (can't find them on line) after getting coffee and hot chocolate. The owner's grandmother was a silversmith before she died, not long ago. Other family members have similar or other artisan skills but, like most artists, have more secure occupations. His grandmother created 90 pieces shortly before she died, all of which they have pulled from sale which makes them now collectibles in storage. In our conversation, we mentioned to him that we had opted out of rock climbing with our group but were going to the Beehive. The owner looked confused and indicated that we might want to reconsider the Beehive. I want to go back and let him know we did it and that we had only opted out of the cert.

From the summit, I count seven people at Sand Beach beyond. The sea is green at the shore and progressively darker out. Clouds provide shade at the beach as the sun ducks in and out. Eastward the water is green with marked dark areas that I assume are deep channels but then realize are cloud shadows. Multiple shades of green way below and between me and the ocean--dark conifers and baby spring deciduous. Browns that have yet to wake up. Areas of rock and scrub conifers, short, squat and spreading.

Wonder if Katy and Sarah are wanting to leave. They went to the north harbor side but I prefer the open ocean. Wish I could be here all day.

Hungry, we head back to Bar Harbor and land at a lobster restaurant at the end of Main street and at the harbor. They've "been crackin' 'em" since the 1800s. Sarah was hot to get lobster claws, I got a lobster roll (can't get any lazier or non bug-like) and clam chowder, and Katy got clam chowder in a boule. All yummy.

Walked around, then headed back to the Park Loop to find Thunder Hole and Black Stone Beach, both memories from Sarah's past. We found Thunder Hole but were a little too early for the thunder and splash show. Moved on to the hunt for the beach but, while we found it, the name was a mystery since there were no black stones. Among the typical were what appeared to be rounded peachy granite stones. There was, however, a sign telling visitors not to remove any stones. We went back later to Thunder Hole but we had missed the mid-tide again when the show is supposed to air; the sea takes advantage of trapped air in the rock as the tide slams in, creating the thunder as it sprays high.

Acadia

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Sean (co-instructor), Jake, and Conway got up for the sunrise climb back at Otter Cliffs. I heard their footsteps crunching by my tarp and thought a lot about getting up to go with them. I was awake enough but hadn't heard the plans the night before. Are they coming back, bringing gear for the day? Decided I'd take a pass. Got up at 6 for an 8 a.m. start. The cert schedule has changed and will start Wednesday rather than Thursday. Sounds like a double booking on the examiner's part. He'll come back again on Friday to wrap up.

Went out to the Canyons to set up and climb. A smallish area, as was Otter Cliffs. Our threesome didn't get far and had to wait for inspection longer 'cause the cert folks need instructor time and help more than we. I was going to belay Katy O but the wait took so long that I think she lost confidence in me. Sarah L showed more confidence though, when it came down to it, needed help as well. Sarah Maney was able to check things out and show us what needed doing. I took pictures again. Katy was belayed down and then climbed back up. By then it was time to pack-up and head    down the one-way Park Loop Road to Sand Beach.                                 (Pix is Otter but Canyon won't load)

We were all ready to get to the water and cool off. Most of us ran in--the water was cold but not as cold as I expected. Still made us numb though even numbness seems relative. The cold felt great as we had been in the sun all day, sweat mixing with sunscreen. Coquette, the diver, was having nothing to do with it. Caribbean
warmth or nothing at all.

 T-shirts in early May in Maine! Slept in short sleeves last night and didn't even wrap up in the bag.

After Sand Beach some go back to Otter Cliff. Mike and both Sarahs drive back to camp with me for more water and we fill some bottles and bring them back to some of the climbers. Stopped in town for coffee, pens, and a lighter since I forgot my matches. I wanted to go to the cliffs that I heard are beyond the camp trees but had to get settled. Wish it didn't take me so long. Then it started to sprinkle. Heating water in my stove sucks. The stove keeps going out. Felt chilled from the beach and from my quick-dry clothes that weren't quick enough. Put on layers to warm up hoping I'll feel dry and warm soon.

In and out of the trailer getting my stuff. . . it never ends. Can't leave the door open because the squirrels are running around and would love nothing more than to check it out. The trailer is another reminder of what it means not to be familiar with something. What have we been exposed to or not? I never used a trailer until the White Mountains trip. Now, I get to open the trailer door and see how the handle works. . . simple things to appreciate. Now in my solitude at camp when everyone is away, I get to start a stove and appreciate the experience, even if it isn't working well. On the sea kayaking trip the stove worked well and I felt self sufficient. The novelty reminds me of the SAT questions that "minorities" don't know because they've not had that experience in their lives. . . my consequences pale. Yeah, I was shown at assessments in December how to take apart a stove and try to fix it but apparently I'd rather keep lighting than get into the guts and mess.

I head down the wooded service road to check out the cliffs nearby before people get back. Oooooh. Wonderfully rocky cliffs. Tops are mottled gray-green but primarily have a soft orange or peach color. Sides of striated rocks are darker. If I think back to the timing of the sea kayaking tides last week, high tide is coming in. The green water pushes over rocks, fills in cutaways, holes, and covers rocks with white ribbons and spider webs. Coastal rocks--the bane of boats and ships. "We're gonna run aground--break up on the rocks!" Rocks buried for 6 hours until the tide next ebbs. Flood and ebb, flood and ebb twice a day. The flood seems to weaken, making me doubt the timing I thought I learned in my "Tides and Currents" research. Then the tide pours, swirls, and crashes with authority and I realize it was a momentary rest, bathing and swallowing the ledges, renewing the life there in its rhythm. One stand of rock stops the water and it sprays white along it's small coast.

Metaphors of battle and aggression are in my mind as I sit high above, observing. But I feel so soothed and healed, cleansing and feeding metaphors should substitute. I want to sleep out here in my bivy. This is where to come to watch the sunrise. No need to drive to Otter Cliffs. We'll have no sunset in the clouds tonight. Mainly conifers line the cliff ridges on this island, Mt. Desert, and distant islands. Not sure the type but at least I'm not calling them pines. Wish I had the tree book with me.

Black and white birds float below and offshore, diving and fishing. Here is my retreat--mesmerized in beauty and power and rhythm. Miles out on the horizon, the gray sky gradually lightens to a blue-white, fades into a still lighter gray, offsetting the edge of dark blue horizon melting into the gray-blue sea, undulating toward this interruption of its movement.

The conversation rages between sea and rocks. The blue sea slides and rocks toward the land and they greet each other loudly; hugs and slaps on the back, the conversation escalating as the sea envelopes and surrounds in the familiar. Tide pools once again are wet with life.

Acadia National Park, Bar Harbor, Maine

Monday, May 3, 2010 (posted 5/6 at the Opera House Internet Cafe, Bar Harbor)

Left GCC at 8:30 a.m. and arrived Acadia around 3:30 p.m. Set up a quick camp--tents and tarps only, leaving all gear in the trailer so that we can get out on Otter Cliffs for a couple of hours. Right on the ocean, gorgeous blue-green water, sun, blue sky, indeed there are cliffs, puffy clouds--I should name them. Let's say cummulus. Austin had the non-certs--me, Katy, and Sarah L. work together and the rest of the group was in 3s. Sara knows some tech stuff but doesn't want to climb or rappel. I suggested we help her work on that even though she won't get a cert. We wrapped up and Austin and others went to town for the 7 p.m. Bruins play-off game. I and others have no interest and don't even know who's playing so went back to Blackwoods Campground. Made couscous and fresh vegs. Not very good. There's a camping cooking theme developing here. Went to town for water and a couple of things w/Aaron and the 2 Sarahs. Katee H needs a tarp partner so she'll share with me. Haven't really seen her much since the Raquette River trip as we've been on different trips. Cleaned up at the unlocked bathroom a mile away and then, beat, opened my bivy and climbed in happily. Lots of stars that make me smile.

Acadia National Park

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Anna emailed and told me that the Challenge Course cert went well. Kristi had sent a text saying People's Pint at 7 but I didn't see it until 8 and knew that they could be gone by the time I drove up there.

Today I have to finish packing for this week's trip to Acadia National Park for the Rock Climbing cert--not taking it. I need much more practice with the technical stuff. I'm going for all the aesthetic reasons that feed my soul. Hopefully I can find a way to be useful to the group and maybe have an opportunity to rappel once. Not participating in the same way is a challenge in that I'm outside and feel "other." The height is still a challenge but doesn't hold the threat that it once did. Success. Moving forward. My understanding is that we're climbing where you need to rappel off the cliffs with only the sea below and then climb back up. Not sure if the tide makes a difference or if it's always water below in these locations. We'll be camping at Blackwoods Campground and climbing locations will be at "Practice Wall," Otter Cliff, and Precipice Cliff.

I'm planning on camping with a tarp and a duffle with my bivy set up with bag and pads inside like they did for the winter trip. Austin says the vehicles will be at the campground so no schlepping stuff around. Yay! And, we'll be at a campground with restrooms (still haven't used my IPood trowel) and showers so we can let up a bit. Yeah, that's the spirit you outdoor leader.

Challenge Course Exam Tomorrow: Swingin' In The Trees

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Austin talked with us about what might be on the written exam and how we need to think about the practical exam. I say "we" loosely as I'm not taking the cert. I'll be certified through OLP and it should suffice since supposedly not many organizations yet look for the ACCT cert. We talked about Standard Operating Procedures-SOPs vs Local Operating Procedures-LOPs. They both have crossover but "Standard" are general statements where as "Local" offers more detailed and particular information about the site and organization.

After lunch we moved up to the GCC Challenge Course where Austin just spent about $3000 to upgrade climbing staples and other improvements to get the course through the next couple of years. Apparently courses have a life span and this one will need to be moved to another location on campus, likely where the zip line is. It will also more likely involve telephone poles rather than trees. Won't have the same wooded ambiance but will be kinder to the living trees. We started review of harnesses. Austin had told me that he thought if I concentrated on climbing comfort it would most benefit me. Someone had asked if we should have another pair of eyes but he said that, as instructors, you'll be climbing on your own on a course so you should probably start getting used to it today. Sounds good. I grabbed a set of lobster claws (static self-belay) and picked a free tree over at the big swing.

The plan with lobster claws is that you pay close attention and get into a rhythm with clipping and unclipping into the anchors as you climb. Clip the 2nd claw while the 1st is still clipped in; the clip should be about waist high so that if you fall you don't fall far. The "big swing" tree didn't have much in terms of new staples so once I reached the platform I started back down. Apparently I zoned. I realized on my way down that I had just made the worst move--I had unclipped both claws. The only connection between me and the tree were my feet standing on the staples and my fingers holding another staple. Okay, don't panic about 20' up. Damn. Hold on to your staple and get a claw clipped back in. Done. Then I heard Anna call up to me asking if I knew what I had just done. Damn, again. Bad enough that I screwed it up but I didn't know I was being watched. Anna had been standing below watching my climb. Already upset, I didn't want the audience. I snapped at her to not watch me because it was making me nervous and yes, I was fully aware of what I had just done. She left and I guess told Kristi and Coquette. As I was about to transfer to the ladder, I heard a bunch of shouting up from the shed. I realized that it was K & C coming down to hold the ladder which I had understood was part of the getting used to doing it alone. They asked me how it went when I got to the bottom but all I could say was fine and went to find somewhere I could shed my tears and process. I got my thermos and had a hot drink. Found a rope and practiced a few knots and then watched the current show.

Austin was supervising Jen who was setting up a pulley on a cable, well up in a tree swaying in the gusting wind. That was the height that I couldn't get up to in March but had wanted to try again if we hadn't run out of time. At some point Austin came over and asked how it was going, I think unaware of what had transpired. I was still upset, said the usual "I don't want to talk about it" when indeed I did want to talk about it. Austin followed with the requisite "Okay, I'll just step away" and I followed blurting out my confession that I had unclipped both claws. He asked if I was shaken. I told him I was upset about my screw up, about it having been seen, and that because I wasn't going for cert I was having a hard time knowing how much space I should claim yesterday in rock climbing field work and now today. I just wanted to feel good about something I could do. I told him I wanted to leave but that would be the easiest thing to do and I'd feel badly afterwards. I needed to stay. We continued to talk, at points he moving the subject around to calm me down. Said he got to closely review my independent project and that he thinks I'm a good writer and my work had put a lot of information in one place which was what he needed to assess blogging for the program.

Eventually I was able to hug Anna and apologize through my tears for snapping at her. We're fine. I shouted a few encouragements to Jen, who loves climbing, as she swayed with the tree. Austin said there were a couple of tasks that still needed doing. One was to get the rescue setup down and Kristi climbed up to pull that down. I was figuring out a time to climb once more before we left. Austin said to no one in particular that the pulley that Jen had set up needed to come down. I had a sense that he was trying to encourage me to get on the horse again without throwing me into the saddle.
"Okay, I'll try it," I said.

I got a set of claws from Kristi and started up with Austin holding the ladder. I climbed and clipped with rhythm and was aware that when you're clipping, you don't pay as much attention to height. I mean, I knew I was high because I could see other tree tops if I looked beyond my own tree which I tried not to do. My focus was the trunk and hardware facing me and the next anchors and staples. Looking up I could also see that I was getting closer to the belay cable and pulley. The closer I got meant that I could feel the wind gusts. Austin shouted up asking how I was doing and telling me I looked good up there.
"I'm hanging on," I shouted back as I had stopped climbing and was swaying with the tree in the gusts. Eyes squeezed tightly, I uttered a mix of prayers and swears. I found a new rhythm, pushing higher between gusts. Finally high enough that I could reach out to work on the cable and pulley, I had to clip in a carabiner on my harness to a tree anchor so that I could work hands-free. I clipped in but had one hand hanging onto a staple while I reached out with the other trying to unclip the belay rope. . . Anna waiting on the ground for the rope. The gusts kept yanking the cable out of my hand so Austin reminded me that I needed to work hands-free from the tree. Damn. I do need to let go and reach out. Even two hands fought the wind to pull the cable close enough to unclip the rope. I gave Anna a warning "rope" shout as I let it drop. Now get the carabiner off the pulley. Done.
"Stick it in your pocket," Austin shouted.
Next, pull the cheeks of the pulley apart so I can get it off the cable. Done.
Now climb back down and don't screw up the claws. My feet touch the top of the ladder and then the ground. Done.

I have climbed to the top belay cable which I hadn't been able to do before. Austin told me job well done and as I turned toward the shed, Anna, Kristi, and Coquette were busy working on perfecting a knot. Their backs were to me which felt slightly odd but Austin may have told them I didn't want an audience. Then again, it's not all about me. They are doing the cert. On the way down from the course Coquette told me I had a nice climb.

Lots of emotion. Challenge, shame, fear, success. Ace of Swords-Victory after struggle. Thank you, Susan.

Rock Climbing Field Work

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Again facing a bit of a time crunch, we piled into Jen's rental car with ropes, hardware, harnesses and helmets and headed to Chapel Ledge in Ashfield, the first place that OLP climbed in the fall. We were to meet a Greenfield French 2 class. We found the triangle of grass that marked the left turn we were to take. We parked and climbed to 2nd and 3rd sites bringing the gear to the top where Aaron, Jen, and Kristi started setting up the climbs. Since I'm not taking the cert, I offered to meet the group down at the road and buy some time. We expected Sean to meet us but he hadn't arrived yet. The group pulled up in a van a few minutes after I hiked back down. I started fitting harnesses and helmets and getting to know Tamara or "Madame" as she was known to the students. Eventually, Aaron arrived and we did a name game and then started hiking up, bypassing the first rock face that looked appealing to both the students and me. Not sure why Austin didn't have us use this site.

The wind was blowin' hard as we rounded what I think is Pony Mountain to finish the last leg of the climb. . . it's steep. I had laid packs on the equipment tarp to keep the wind from blowing it off the mountain. We did a name game again since we were now all together. I did an LNT, safety, and Challenge by Choice review and then we hiked down to the sites to let the climbing begin. Since there were only 3 climbs, I really had no function other than to roam and float. I prefer to have a function so it was a challenge to get through the day without stepping on toes and feeling outside the periphery.  Sean said it was good to have a floater to manage the site but it wasn't optimal for me. And the plan that I would demo the rappel got scrapped for logistics. I kept an eye on hypothermic looking students and tried to push my extra clothing on them. A few took some as well as Madame's stash but there were a few diehards that refused as they jerked from shivers. I was determined to get authoritarian after lunch if they were still shivering.

We decided to hike down to the first rock site which turned out to be a great group management area, kind of horse-shoe shaped, out of the wind and somewhat sunny. After eating and warming up, the students were ready to give climbing another shot. Kristi led us on a trail that would get blood pumping and was a little gentler climb. I was working mostly with Kristi's group and would cover the belay student while Kristi worked with a climber who needed help.

Finally time to wrap up and debrief down at the parking lot. Tamara needed to get the van of students back by 2 so that a couple could be home to watch siblings. Four were left behind for a parent to pick up but she didn't arrive until 2:30. After they left, we were able to debrief with Sean and agreed that for the most part the day went well and we answered any questions he had about how things went.

This was our last Field Day!!

Canoe Field Work; Level 2 Canoe Cert

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Up early again for canoe field work with a Greenfield high school group. Today it will be me, Kristi, Jen, and Aaron with Kate observing. Got to the boathouse first so loaded the PFDs, throw ropes, first aid kit and tarp in case it was needed for rain at lunch. Austin came by so we loaded a single on his car roof since we were using his car to tow the trailer of 9 canoes.

We finished planning yesterday and given the time allowed, chose to put-in at Riverview across from Northfield Mountain rather than Munns Ferry and paddle down to Barton Cove. Jen and Kate both had car problems in the morning so we were pushing to get things unloaded and ready for their arrival.  We shifted roles several times so we needed to be flexible. Kristi and Jen were leading in the morning; Aaron and I in the afternoon. Originally they had planned to split up with students but I said I felt more comfortable being in leadership teams in case we had to run rescues.

We got everyone fitted with PFDs and paddles, taught a few basic strokes to make them mobile and then got them to carry their boats down the rocky bank and launch. Their chaparones, Steve and Kim, both have paddling experience. Steve paddled with a student and Kim with Kate. Kate was hanging back initially as the silent observer but eventually got involved in the banter and Stinky Fish play. Kristi did a good job with natural history talking about the French King Bridge and French King Rock a few hundred feet north of the bridge.

The kids paddled pretty well and by lunch Kate suggested we give them a looser rein. After lunch I was up for lead so we had a couple of relay races along the bank which was quite calm and offered few flipping issues. One of the boats decided to T-bone anyone who got in their way including instructors. After the races we headed down river toward Barton Cove and taking our time because, even though it took a while to get them on the river, we had made really good time on the morning run. Along the way, we offered fine-tuning to some of the student's strokes or alternate strokes. Some wanted and tried the info. Some didn't. We got a little too close to an area and flushed out an eagle who we saw again a little way down the river in a tree.

This was my first time coming to Barton Cove from the river and it looked like we had hit a dead end. Aaron was certain that there would be an opening up on the right though I couldn't make out the difference in landscape detail. The opening showed itself as we were close upon it and then we slid into the familiar Barton Cove boat launch, the island with the huge eagle's nest, the swans that look prehistoric when they fly, and the myriad of ducks and geese. I asked the group to give the island a wide berth so that we don't disturb the wildlife. I kept bringing up LNT principles when the opportunity arose. We will, after all, be official LNT teachers when we finish OLP.

We were going to find a last game to play in the Cove before wrapping up but it started to rain and Steve said he was ready to be dry. We paddled in because we needed to pull all the boats up and everyone seemed to be happy with what they'd done. We were maybe 5 minutes early. Steve and Kim left to get their shuttle vehicle while we completed a debrief with the group. All seemed happy with the day and several said that they never expected to canoe in the rain.

After we loaded all the boats and equipment, we headed to the Wagon Wheel to debrief with Kate. In general she thought that we did well and the day was a success. We realized that none of us have actually seen past evals from Kate, Evan, or Sean for events they've co-led so we'd all like to see those. I had talked with Kate last night to say that I was thinking about going for my Level 2 canoe instructor since I had missed it by a hairs breath a couple of weeks ago. I felt much more at ease leading a group that was not my peers and being out of white water made it easier, too. . . though the white water was often fun. This wasn't the place to discuss it so I figured I'd hear from her later. I got a call on my way home and it was Kate saying that she had talked with Evan and told him that I rocked my leadership and they agreed that I have bumped up to Level 2. It'll take several weeks to make the switch with ACA but I should hear something in a few months. Yipee! Actually, when I got home and put my stuff down, I just started to cry. I think the combination of making the upgrade, exhaustion, and a sense of tension ebbing away after the past couple of weeks, and today, just caught up with me. Lots of emotion. I fell asleep on the couch for a while before getting lunch and gear ready for tomorrow's Rock Climbing Field Work.

Tired, in so many ways

Weeks in April, 2010

I'm tired. Physically it's been a push to get up and out of a tent and now to get up and out of a bed at 4:30 or 5 to be ready for our last field works. I'm tired emotionally as the fact that the end of the semester, the year, is almost upon me. I want my OLP year to end and I do not want it to end. I face the "Now what?" that could make me crazy if I let it. Now I can begin to think about other facets of my life. Wonder what I got out of this year after all. Did I get anything I'd hoped for? Get anything surprising? What did I find beyond the obvious? Much to think about and I imagine it will take time to process. Think about the rest of my life. Like I said, crazy if I let it.

I need to find time to get my head straight. Get back to the calm and purpose that I felt last year, even when it was interrupted by fear. I need the sense of trust that I'm on a path. Believe or not, it is a way to maintain focus and calm needed to keep one's mind from twisting into figure eight knots. Big Sigh.

AEE Northeast Regional Conference

Thursday, April 22, 2010

We left Muscongus Bay and headed to the AEE Northeast Conference in Nobleboro about 25 minutes away. We were staying at Camp Kieve, a camp for boys, or as I heard it, wealthy boys in the political, lobbyist, legal track. The leave your shoes at the door, light knotty pine, cathedral ceiling cabins with solid bunks and attached cubbies, were an initial indicator of money. I was awarded a scholarship from AEE which is the only way I got there. . . the plastic bill has come in and supposedly the check's in the mail.

Friday was pre-conference workshops that neither Kristi nor I had signed up for. Anna was doing service crew and Beth was in meetings. Kristi and I drove out to Pemaquid Point for the afternoon. What a treat to climb the rocks, investigate tidal pools with their own eco systems, take pictures, and watch the tide come in all afternoon. "Dear Mark" became my call every time the surf crashed in as I had expected on the sea kayak cert trip. Sweet down time and fun to spend time with Kristi.

Back at the conference we went to varied workshops and went out for dinner and a beer at the Publick House. I had hoped to find more networking for jobs than I did but got to talk with a couple of women, including Laurie Frank the keynote. Lance Lee was the recipient of the Josh Miner Dialogue award and unfortunately his interview didn't go so well. I think the interviewer had an agenda that had little to do with an audience getting to know Lance Lee more intimately and recording his story for the JMD series.

We headed out on Sunday and discovered that Red's Eats was indeed open. I got my lobster roll!

Coastal Kayaking - Muscongus Bay, ME

Sunday, April 18 - Thursday, 22, 2010 (written 4/27, my 1st chance to post since leaving for kayaking)

Packing. I haven't been out camping since November but feel like I was getting the sense of how to pack with some semblance of a plan. Hiking and canoe packing are their own kinds of animal. In both we used backpacks and canoeing allows you to pack without as much thought to weight. Now I have to pack my gear for a five day kayak trip into a bunch of dry bags--and they have to be small enough to fit into the two kayak compartments. That means everything needs to be shoved, squished, and mushed down the hatch and weight balanced so the boat lays evenly. Long skinny things need to be placed far up into the ends of the bow and stern.  I have a new mesh duffle to help me make one trip loading and unloading to and from camps and from the boat. I don't finish packing until 2 a.m. I don't fall asleep until 4 a.m. and have to get up at 4:30 to be at GCC for 6:00 a.m.

Beth arrives at GCC and strolls over with two small bags. My mouth gapes open and her wife Darrell says that's the look she'll keep with her for the week while we're gone. One of the bags is a sleeping bag I'm borrowing (still don't own one!). Then she walks over with two duffles. Okay, more like it. I run up to get the van keys from Public Safety and our group piles into the van: Kristi, Jen, Erin, Coquette, Aaron, Joe and Beth. Anna is driving her car because four of us will go to the conference and we need a vehicle to come back. I get in to drive with Anna but don't stay 'cause she was smoking and I can feel my lungs constrict. I join the van group and Anna drives the five hours behind us with a few phone calls to check in with her.

We're to meet Mark, our cert instructor, in Wiscasset, ME and we have lunch with him at Sarah's across from Red's Eats, our original destination but it's not yet open for the season. Mark is tall, hovering around 50, married at 40 and has a couple of young kids. He drove from VT and passed us on the highway but we get to Sarah's ahead of him. We order lunch, go around the group giving him snap shots of who he'll be working with and we put him on a tepid hot seat to get to know him. . . he is going to determine our cert after all, and we're all groggy from the five hour drive.

We follow he and Beth to our put-in at Bremen Lobster Coop. We park, unload and drag boats and bags and bags of gear to the dock, get into our dry suits, booties, rescue PFDs, grab paddles and other gear, then slide boats into the water off the dock. As the kayak rocks with me sealed under the kayak skirt, I take a little time to get my sea-butt again. I begin to feel comfortable as we paddle out toward Hogg Island. We arrive and find that our info was bogus and camping is not allowed. We continue paddling, see a young eagle perched in a tree, then we land at Crow Island which does allow camping. It's a tiny island but serves us well.

After unloading and cooking dinner, we gather and talk about what's up for tomorrow. I suggest that we be ready for 9 a.m., treachery in wilderness circles. Beth gasps. I don't look at Mark. I argue that some of us have had little sleep and after this long day, it can only benefit us in the long run. It's agreed that 9:00 will work and Beth and Mark listen later to the weather reports and let us know that we won't break camp in the morning. What a treat! No packing tomorrow. I've never spent a camp night when we didn't have to break camp.

As we sit gathered, it's time now for my LNT presentation on Disposing of Waste Properly. . .namely, human waste. We all have our allotment of RestStop Bags into which we shall all poop--most of us for the first time. I get to give the presentation and we have lots of laughs. Beth wants me to first give a demo of the former newspaper "burrito style" wrap that gets dumped into a baggie. Before baggies, she references pooping on a rock and tossing the long ball into the sea. Now, we get to open a biodegradable bag, complete with TP, a wipe, and kitty litter type stuff at the bottom of the bag that will suck up moisture and control odor. Beth suggests we use the bag twice to conserve. Before long, our camp has silver poop bags near respective tent sites. Amazing how personal hygiene becomes a public and easy topic. . . "I'll be back, need to use my bag."

Anna and I share her two person tent. Two person tents are a joke when there's two people actually sharing. I wake up every morning stiff and sore from not being able to move or stretch. Didn't help my daily paddling. Spent a chilly night. I took off too many layers and didn't fully zip my bag. Anna and I got up once to pee, both encouraging the other to get up mid-night in the cold. I am the first person up in the morning. I brush my teeth, use my bag, and am thrilled that I brought my down puff and balaclava. I'm warming up and will put the face covering up for a few laughs when the others are up.  I'm not much of a tent buddy since I left my matches at home and can't find Anna's lighter to get hot water started. Anna and I each have our own stove so that makes it easy to cook our own meals. I realize how self-sufficient I feel when I can start my own stove to cook when I'm ready.

Don't want to wake Anna so am taking advantage of this time to write on the rocks looking at the sunrise mirror in the water. Yesterday we were close to Thief Island which is out a ways but winds are expected today and had we ventured out that far, Beth says that as novice paddlers, we might have been stuck there for a few days. Now, I sit on this quiet and calm scene of low rocks that stretch parallel to the small shore. Below is a jungle of rock weed, slippery wet from the ebbing tide though I think it may never dry. Beth says if we've never walked on it we'll probably fall once or twice. I haven't but don't. Later she pulls a bud, tastes it and suggests we give it a try. I don't try it until several days later but then enjoy the sea salt taste.

As I gaze out from our island, I count what I think are twenty six islands if I've separated their detail well. Some are likely a couple of miles out. I watch the passing current and am reminded of my presentation on Tides and Currents, totally new material that I've always wanted to understand--it's quite detailed and I don't exactly have it down.

We head out for the day on Monday, have a presentation or two and paddle up and around a few islands. Each night we gather for a short while after dinner but the tense pressure to get things done on other trips isn't present on this trip. Tuesday I wake and begin a downward spiral getting ready. I'm first up again but last to the boats and the camping crazies start up again. Mark makes note that we need to be on time. I let his chastisement get to me and while others have buddied up, I'm struggling to get my skirt on while everyone's waiting for me. Bow facing shore, I'm in tears as Jen paddles over to see if I need help. Paddled through the morning, came across a big old boat wreck and an old lobster pen at the Bremen Lobster Coop. We talked to the guys up on their dock and truck. They used to keep lobsters in the pen and feed them but it became too expensive. Now the pen serves as a place we could enter and practice strokes without current. Eventually worked out of my funk. The next day I was determined to be first at the boats. . . made it, not quite first but maybe 3rd.

We spent a lot of time working on our presentations. Mark wasn't especially crazy about any of them and kept pushing us to use what we had in front of us rather than talking about the topics. We were front-loading and using people to demo but it wasn't enough. We were also supposed to be presenting to beginners but the topics and amount of time to present was confusing. Rather than talk about waves, show the waves by piling sand in rows. I went to Beth and Mark the night before my presentation to let them know what I was planning and to see if they had other suggestions. I had figured I would have one person be the moon and circle the earth. Both would circle the sun to demo gravity's pull creating tides. Needed clarity on the neap tides vs spring tides and where to place the moon. Kind of messed up the direction piece talking about tides being vertical to shore while current was horizontal to shore. Simple but not exactly correct. Came out okay but I missed the so-what aspect as I concentrated on the visual presentation. On our 2nd last day we fit in my Rules of the Navigational Road. Mark stopped me part way through saying I was talking too much. He told me to pick the nuns "Red Right Return" into the harbor and do it right then.  I put my red PFD on the ground and someone suggested using Erin's green PFD to be the green "can." Nuns and cans mark the shipping channels that kayaks have no business being in. I had a few people be a big boat coming down the channel and I steered Anna along the red right return but actually confused the situation with words. Agghh! Made Mark's point again though he appreciated my use in the moment of what I had with me. And, Aaron said, "Oh, that's what it means!" So, Mark made note that the change in method helped someone get the concept.

Mark kind of blew it for Coquette's presentation on Wind and Waves. Beth said that she and I had the toughest presentations because they were technical and detailed. Coquette's was going on a little long and Mark butted in asking, "Is this almost done?"
"Well, almost," said Coquette slowly, contemplating the interruption.
"Okay 'cause I'm f'ing done!"
"Whoa," was all that came out of my mouth though what I wanted to say was "That's really harsh! How is someone supposed to continue after that?" But she did and when she was done, Coquette looked pretty angry.  Mark apologized and said he had meant it to sound funny. He hoped he didn't blow the trust of the group. He had. He apologized several more times to Coquette and again to us but the damage was done. And he's human. But he's also our examiner. Never felt quite the same again. Coquette said later that she's used to assholes in her corporate past but didn't expect it here.

One day while paddling we came by the Lobster Coop to see if we could buy some lobsters. Beth was all about it, having grown up in Falmouth fully raised around the sea. The boat wasn't back yet so we headed out to practice strokes and do more presentations and leadership which included "surprise" capsizes for the leaders to show their T-rescue stuff. Also learned how to paddle in "HOT" to a paddler in trouble and capture their kayak to tow them in. We learned to manhandle the boat rather than try to line up exactly in the T. Grab the boat and push it around. I did it well on our initial day but not as well on my test day. Beth went back to the lobster guys a little later and paddled back with a bag full of rubber banded crustaceans destined for the pot. Kristi and Jen wanted a lesson in lobster cracking and I thought I would try it again but couldn't look at them or hold them much. Gave mine to Anna and Beth. I'd get a lobster roll sometime before I left Maine. Vegetarians and vegans, I know.

On our 2nd last day, Coquette was leading the group and I was supposed to lead after her. I think it was Jen who noticed the sky. Mark had us leave stroke instruction behind and get moving. At some point the black sky became ominous enough that he took back leadership and pushed us to cross the channel and paddle hard for at least 45 minutes maybe an hour to get back to Crow Island. Part way through Beth suggested I drop my rudder and see what that felt like, knowing it would help. We're discouraged from using them because rudders can break and we need to know how to maneuver the boat. I think it's also important to have the experience at least once so that when teaching someone else, I will know what I'm talking about. The rudder took a little getting used to and did help though I had to get used to the rhythm again without it. We made it back to Crow and the storm dissipated and passed off. We could have gone back out but spent the rest of the day getting warm and making dinner.

Our last day was short. Beth, me, Kristi and Anna were going to the AEE Conference in Nobleboro and Beth needed to be there by 11 for meetings. Anna started the lead and I took it up for maybe an hour. I had to rescue Coquette and started doing the T-rescue but she had been given instructions to do a different rescue, I think it was the hook. Mark was yelling over that I need to use my command river voice but since the drill was changed, I didn't know the instructions. Once into her boat, I got the group to the Lobster Coop and our dock where we could unload our 4 boats. The rest of the group stayed with Mark for a little longer.

It was disappointing that in our 5 days there, we never got out into real waves. I had been reading Shelley Johnson's A Woman's Guide to Sea Kayaking and was expecting to learn how to maneuver through waves, how to land and launch properly while using tide charts. In reality, it felt to me more like paddling on a rough lake. We had some current but had more current and white water in our white water canoeing and kayaking. This felt pretty tame. I guess if one of us had been thinking about going for Level 3 cert, we would have gone out. It didn't occur to our group to say we wanted to get out there. The thrill factor was missing on this trip. Other than running from a storm, it was mainly practice paddling and drill those presentations, teach strokes, and demo leadership. I guess that's the difference with certification but we all think the next group will likely have a sea experience. Mark offered to have any of us upgrade to Level 3 with him for free since we've taken this course with him. In the end, I got my American Canoe Association Level 2 certification as a sea kayak instructor. Not sure it's sunk in yet.

Rock Climbing Cert Prep-Day 3

Friday, April 16, 2010
My group kind of disintegrated today so, on my own, I thought I would try setting up a basic institutional rappel and see what I could do.  Austin said, if it worked for me, I could though we both knew it was the end of any possible cert. I grabbed some ropes, webbing, and chocks, along with my personal gear that I had checked out and headed up to find a site. A few mornings ago I heard David Byrne's "Like Humans Do," and found myself singing, "I'm Breathing In, I'm Breathing Out." I sang it to myself with emphasis as the climb quickly became steep and sketchy, made worse by carrying my climbing equipment on my harness and holding two heavy ropes. I had flashbacks to my November "Devil's Hopyard" climb in the White Mountains. My scared little girl was climbing again. I couldn't find how to get to any sites and was passing groups already at sites as I climbed higher. I went one way and then doubled back trying to find a way up. If I hadn't fallen into my scared kid mode, I could have casually hollered to someone to find the path. Scooching down, I hugged the path--the term path used about as loosely as the loose dirt and rocks on which I was trying not to slide off and fall below. I tried throwing the ropes ahead of me but that only creates a tangled mass and mess. Going down these skinny paths was worse than climbing because I was facing how high I was. Eventually I made my way to an area that had some appropriate trees for anchors but they were set well back from the cliff and had a couple of pseudo cliffs between them and the real cliff. Sean saw me while checking on another group and came by to see what I was up to. I told him the climb had sketched me out so I took time to recoil the rope and couldn't say exactly what I was trying to do other than set up a rappel. He got the picture and said he'd be back to check on me. A while later, both he and Austin came by as I was putting wraps around the tree for an anchor. I tried to keep a brave face at my pathetic attempt, probably 45 minutes after everyone headed to their sites and most if not all were set up and waiting for the green light to climb. I told them I was not expecting anyone to climb on my site. They'd be back to check on me again. Tears again because I knew that I had information but I was too upset to pull it together. I fought with myself about trying and then, cold and hungry, decided the jig was up and took the anchor down, recoiled the ropes and headed back to the sketchy trail. I saw Austin as I was schooching on my butt. He asked about my set up and I said that there hadn't been much to see. End of story.

When I got down to my pack, I grabbed my surprisingly good gluten-free Snickerdoodle and thermos of hot chocolate. Laura came over from one of the climbs and told me to come on over and climb. My sense was Sean sent her 'cause he knew I wasn't doing well and needed a diversion. I told her I'd be over but she came back again to encourage me over. I followed her over and she offered to belay me.  The climb was a 5.6 and I pushed myself the whole way. Laura loves climbing--she's like a monkey. She was great coaching me about where the good foot and hand holds were. It's often hard to see them when you're up so close and it's a good idea to plan a route before you go. I'm not sure how high the climb was, maybe 50', but I was about two more moves from the bolts at the top. I was ready to stop a couple of times but Laura convinced me to try another step or hold. Austin was encouraging as well which made me want to go higher, especially since I blew the anchor setup. I felt satisfied by my climb when I was back on the ground and could look to see where I'd been. Oh, yeah, I rappelled down which oddly is not such a scary deal. . . kind of fun.

After my climb, it was lunch time and Austin showed us another set-up using artificial anchors and it was an instructor rescue belay. I had done the belay yesterday but knew that I didn't expect to ever be rescuing someone. I moved between a couple of sites, watching the climbers and shouting encouragement. Sarah Maney was working on a tough one and Aaron tried it later on. Kaytee was doing one and was a little nervous and wanting someone's presence for a bit. After, I decided to climb around to the cave and go through to the other end. I came back again and just sat for a while at the entrance, enjoying the solitude as I passed time. Not a productive day other than my climb.

Finally got back to GCC and ended up working for a few hours prepping equipment for the sea kayaking trip on Sunday and helping Beth with field work paperwork.

We leave at 6 a.m. on Sunday for sea kayaking at Muscongus Bay in Maine and on Thursday, some of us leave for home while I and others head to the AEE Regional Conference, also in Maine, and come back on Sunday. I was awarded a scholarship and I'm hoping there will be some good networking and job leads. The semester is escaping my grasp!

Rock Climbing Review & Cert Prep-Day 2

Thursday, April 15, 2010
Erin and I found a cliff to set up a rappel system on what was probably the highest site used by our group. We knew that since Aaron was going for the Top Management cert, we were on our own and would have to learn it by ourselves. We were supposed to create anchors using artificial chocks, tri-cams, nuts, etc. but our site had only one crack to place one which I did. We reverted to tree anchors and stumbled on some knots but figured them out between our own heads and a book. It really is about review. Sean checked our system and suggested I belay him down. This meant that he would rappel but I would be his back-up belay. In theory, it means that I would be watching and coaching him from the edge of the cliff as he rappelled. In practice, he coached me on what I would say to a beginner stepping over the ledge and how to help them maneuver the next lip of rock with little bushes in their way. The trick for me was standing at the edge and having to look over. It took a while to figure out the distance I should be at on the rope and to tie in on a Prusik for safety back up. In an odd twist, Erin supported me as I belayed in much the same way when she belayed me on my first rappel. "You're doing great, Eileen. That's awesome." When Sean hit bottom and was off belay, Erin suggested I belay her next. She made it to the bottom.

I felt great having accomplished my first top rope belays, especially up so high. A new milestone.

Tomorrow, climbing if it doesn't rain.

Rock Climbing Review & Cert Prep-Day 1

Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Headed to Rose Ledge this morning after reviewing our self test on Rock Climbing knowledge from a few months ago.

Hiked up to the ledge and remembered the strenuous hike and what it felt like to look up and see Rose Ledge the first time. Today the plan is to set up systems using artificial anchors. We play with cams and the like, testing to see how to place them in rock cracks to get good holds. Next we went up top and set up systems and rappelled down. I did it! I did it with not nearly the drama of the first rappel some months ago. Aaron took a video so whenever he sends that I'll post. A fairly amazing transition and growth. . .  still scary but not numbing like before. Only one person didn't rappel but she's thinking about it for tomorrow. I think if I do it, everyone feels the need. In fact I think I heard someone say, "You're not going to let Eileen show you up, are you?"

Tomorrow, more of the same and then some.

Swift Water Rescue Course- Day 2

Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Whoa. This was a rough day. Scenarios. I hate scenarios. They turn my stomach as I wait for when I'll be called on to make something happen.

Staff put themselves in various situations, foot entrapments with and without eddies to work in, head in the water, etc. Pinned boats with and without paddlers. It all reminds me of WFR. Lots of tension and worry about not pulling it off.  It's over.

Sadly, this was our last day with Evan. Hopefully he can make it for graduation though his sustainable living may not allow, especially in May.

Swift Water Rescue Course- Day 1

Monday, April 12, 2010
Met at GCC and watched a 1990s swift water rescue video. Got on the road mid morning heading to below the  Zoar Gap.

First we practiced throwing throw bags on land in various ways; underarm, sidearm or a combo, while overhand and throwing as a football if you've earned a Heisman. We headed to the water in groups and took turns swimming in our yellow dry suits while the rest of our group tried to tag us with a good throw. After that we learned ways to cross the river, or at least ways to try and cross. One was using your paddle and holding it angled in the water in front of you giving you a 3rd point of contact as you sidle across. Then we tried a 3 and 4 buddy crossing by holding each others PFDs as we crossed and circled. The current was pushing and crossing became more difficult as we got into deeper water. The last variation we tried was the V-crossing. One person is in front using a paddle as a single person did. Then 2 people get behind and hold that person's PFD straps and 2 behind them and so one. Some communication is needed and we learned that people with less body fat are less inclined to float up and away. Our dry suits filled with air so when we did all lose our footing, some more than others were so buoyant that it made swimming and finding our footing more difficult. The only way to get rid of the Michelin Man look is to stick a couple of fingers in your neck gasket and squat down to let air out. But I was able to swim back to shore though the neck gasket and PFD kept getting in the way. And, without the PFD, I would have been pushed down the river in the current and a real rescue would have ensued.

Evan had us up the ante with actual swims and tethered rescues which in some instances are necessary but potentially dangerous given the possibility of ropes getting caught in rocks. The staff did a demo and Evan was the first to swim. The goal was to scout the best area to jump into--look for rocks to avoid. Jumping from a low rock would help him to actually get out into the current faster and toward an eddy behind a larger rock where he could rest or climb up on the rock. The jump has its own technique. . . try to look like a skydiver with limbs up and out and land on your chest which presumably has a PFD to protect it. We watched Evan jump in and hit chest first and then barrel roll to get through the eddy current to safe upstream waters. He climbed up on the larger rock and waited for the rest of the staff to be in place and then jumped back in again so that Beth could time her jump downriver to save him. Beth did the same chest thump jump and swam to Evan and hauled him in to shore.

We were all to cycle through as swimmers, tethered rescuers with back ups, and throw bag throwers. . . challenge by choice our option. My first job was as back-up to I forget who, and we needed to choose a stable place with good footing, maybe even sit down. Austin said I did it well. I was grateful that he was anchoring me because the current was strong as I held the two on the tether. Suddenly things moved fast. Austin or someone said we need a tethered swimmer and looked my way. Oh, well, yeah, I guess I'll be the tethered swimmer. Hooked up I got out on the rock and had little time to think about it as Katee Huggard jumped from her rock and needed rescue. I timed my jump and as far as I know my PFD hit the water first. I swam hard out to her and my timing was good so I didn't have to wait or catch up to her. I pulled her in with some kind of stroke, combo sidestroke and I don't know what else. At one point I think she may have taken some water before we got to shore. But I did it! Couldn't quite believe it and again, was wishing I had a video. Aaron said I could use his camera if I wanted to do it again and that was my plan but we ran out of time after getting everyone through.

Tomorrow we're getting into more technical rope and zip-line kinds of rescues and may be using boats. Felt good today and very different from last week. I think my realization of what was bothering me has helped. I'm looking forward to tomorrow even though it will involve ropes and knots. We'll be in the water a lot longer and it sure did feel much colder today than last week. We'll all have to wear more layers and maybe bring hot drinks. May the sun warm us all.

Meanwhile, 3 days of ropes course review this week and then my group leaves on Sunday for the sea kayaking trip. So much to get ready--food, clothes, still don't own a sleeping bag, and clothes for the AEE Regional Conference that some of us are going to directly from the kayaking trip. I'm going because I was awarded a scholarship otherwise I wouldn't be making the trip.

Oh, and then there's job search, too. . . .

White Water Canoe Cert Day 5--Nail it Day

Friday, April 9, 2010
Let's see, how did this day start? Slept lousy, dreaming and waking every hour thinking about nailing it. Started with more presentations and splitting into two groups to teach strokes. I don't think anyone in our group nailed the stroke teaching. I struggled particularly with a simple one, especially when someone whispered rotation. I thought I was forgetting to talk about rotation so added it in but there was no rotation in that stroke. I got nervous and blew it.

Coquette was told to lead the morning in Jen's boat and Erin led in sweep, maybe with Kristi. Great, I've got to wait until the afternoon for my leadership run. We were doing the choosing partners thing again and the only ones left were Kristi and me. Kristi said that we couldn't paddle together because we already had and have different things to work on. She wanted to be more aggressive. That led Evan to ask if that meant I don't want to be aggressive today, which I had never said. . . didn't look good given my need to nail it today.  I intended to speak to him about it but never did. I'm glad that Kristi said that she needed to paddle with someone else today. I know the sense of feeling trapped in a boat for a day with someone whose energy just isn't working for you and feeling like you need to grit your teeth and pull yourself through. I should have spoken up as Kristi did. Clearly my energy wasn't working for her, I'm assuming some of it based on our previous up-river struggle with me in stern. I guess the aggressive reasoning may have been the gentle way she could rationalize a different partner though I've pretty much been as physically aggressive as others, going after the surf, etc. In the end, easy going "Average Joe" and I paired up which felt good to me. 

We paddled for the morning with me in bow and Joe in stern. We reached the same wave that we played on yesterday and Evan encouraged us all to give it a go again. We were parked next to Mark so I asked him to explain his reasoning for telling me yesterday when to paddle and not. He said the bow shouldn't paddle in the smooth green water otherwise we might get out in front of it and the stern would go into the white water and get booted out. At least that's how I understood him. I didn't get the sense that Joe was very interested in surfing but we paddled hard to the wave and I angled slightly to the right and we had a long ride. I didn't tell Joe when or not to paddle but concentrated on keeping us on angle. Lots of hootin' and hollerin' as we slid along the length of the wave, not necessarily purposely but I made hard corrective sweeps to angle, sometimes surprised that they held us, and Joe paddled in whatever way felt right to him until he suggested we slide out so others could ride. We went back two more times and I think always having the longest ride of anyone. I felt strong, capable and had fun doing it with paddle high-fives each time. Evan made a joke about not having enough time for Joe and I to take another shot. Kate and Anna gave us the most hands-off/heads-on rides. Kate twirled her paddle while surfing and in other rides, Anna joined in and then did a half head stand in the bow while surfing. . . her yoga and capoeira pays off!

We had "The Funnel" coming up so Evan wanted to get through that and then stop for lunch. A few people had run "The Funnel" the day before. Joe and I opted out first and portaged--tough getting the boat up a steep, rocky 12' and through little saplings so that we could carry it downstream another 200'  below "The Funnel."

The Funnel was described by Evan as a place that you should only run if you feel confident that you can run it and that you can swim the hard swim should you go in--highly likely. What the link picture doesn't show is Pinnacle Rock, river right, which you must circumvent or your boat will be caught and possibly crushed against it, nor does it show the shelf 20 feet beyond the rock that drops 3 or 4 feet, and the large churning hole at the bottom of the drop which could grab you and your boat, push you under and churn you around until it might spit you out into yet more turbulence. Where there's turbulence there's rocks. The picture does give you a sense of the waves that can swamp your boat at the end of an otherwise successful run, as happened to Jen and Erin. It was beautiful to see two women making this run and then the realization, as we stood with throw bags in hand, that at the end of their run they were swamping in the waves, capsizing, and in need of good throws. Happily, they're on video with Jen in the bow and Erin in the stern.



My bag missed Jen because my anchor person pulled me back as I threw. There is apparently technique to anchoring. Those of us not running today encouraged the daring to run all the boats down so that we didn't have to portage.

Here's Aaron and Evan's run with Aaron in the bow and Evan in the stern. They take a dunk and jump back in to finish.



One more tandem came down and flipped, the boat rushed by in the current heading downstream fast. Kate said I need someone to paddle! I said, "I'll go. . .unless you want someone else." How lame is that lack of confidence? "Get in" she said and we peeled out paddling hard after the boat that had momentarily hung up on some rocks. We chased it and, in stern, I had to steer it so we'd hit center to push it over to the shore. I grabbed its painter line and maybe a paddle and held on as we paddled in. Damn it was heavy in the pushing current. We got it to shore, a great feeling of capability washing over me. I told Kate that I love paddling with her. She makes me feel confident, safe, gives clear instructions, and it isn't a problem if I screw up. And she makes it wild fun! We high-fived into a balancing hug, our footing on slippery rocks. Meanwhile, Aaron and Jen came down on the other bank to get their boat. Kate was figuring out the simplest way to get both boats over and asked how I felt about ferrying the tandem back in the stern by myself. "I'll try it" was all I could offer as I thought damn, really? One person can paddle a tandem? I did it just fine and Aaron and Jen told me I looked very comfortable doing it. Okay, so chasing and capturing a runaway boat and paddling it by myself has to count for something today, I thought. 

Once all the boats were down, Evan suggested that we finish the run and eat lunch during the van ride back because he needed time to meet with all of us about our Cert Level. I was assigned lead boat with Joe, Anna, also needing more leadership time, was assigned sweep with someone else. I realized right away that I blew the communication by giving them too much information. Okay, that will ding my rating but shake it off and keep going. Joe was suggesting that we eddy in here and there and then I told him that I really needed to make the calls because I was being judged. He was totally with me and let me have at it. . . but got frustrated a few times when he wanted more notice about rocks that sometimes I could see but often couldn't, so he could steer around. Communicating well with a paddle partner takes experience together or just plain experience. It got dicey around another rapid and determining which eddy we should get into to signal others about the next step. And then there was our ride river right into the boney rapids because I picked to the right of a big rock instead of left. Joe was yelling no go left but I hadn't seen it or heard him until too late. Not feeling the confidence of the Raquette River in September, I pretty much knew I had blown it at that point.

We pulled in and hauled boats up a steep hill with saplings, had a couple of other 5 minute presentations, loaded up, jumped into the van and ate lunch on the way home. Evan and Kate rode together so they could discuss the Cert Levels. I was feeling pretty miserable and ate just so I didn't have to talk to anyone because I knew I would start crying. Coquette noted that I was pretty quiet but I just gestured with a full mouth. I fought tears the whole way, not wanting to cry but wondering if just putting it out there to everyone would make it feel better.

Individuals went in one by one for their appointments and came out with Level III or II. It was very cool. I was 2nd last before Anna. I sat down and Evan had just about gotten the words out, "So where do you think . . ." and I said, "Oh, just tell me." I didn't nail it today so it was as we talked about the day before. I could go for Level II when Kate is at our canoeing field work in a few weeks but they said that might make me too nervous to have a good field work. Evan suggested I might also volunteer to help him teach a course for a day and he'd get to see me then. Or, I could pay him for .5 day and he could test me then. Whichever way it goes, I won't have canoed for at least a few weeks or longer. Not good for my confidence or muscle memory. But, maybe the sea kayaking trip will up the ante and give me more confidence.

I realize what is happening to me. Though I've been in formal learning situations for much of my life, this year is heightening the comparison to others and it's triggering really old stuff, old feelings from grade school that required perfection. As I wrote in December about ruminating on mistakes, mistakes were shameful. Now, whenever I can't do as well as others in a particular way, shame is what I feel. I'm constantly trying to avoid mistakes and shame which then makes me so young and afraid. I haven't felt like this in so long, or at least not for such a consistent length of time. What a waste of energy. I get sucked into it before I even know it. Somehow, I need to keep my adult and accomplished self in the forefront. My life has had many successes and in all of those I have had to learn from mistakes. The shame now is that at my age I am still dealing with these unresolved issues. Let it go gently and take on my adulthood again. This is supposed to be my life changing year.