Celebrate!

Friends have planned a party to celebrate my year with me. Georgia and Cheri arrive from Cambridge and Amesbury. Cheri brings deep purple flowers in one of the Old Quaker bottles she has dug up on her property. They drop off their belongings since they'll stay at my place tonight, then they head over to Anne's to help out. I'll arrive by 6 or earlier--no need for a grand entrance. My pseudo discomfort in the limelight must move forward to appreciate those who surround me, soak up the caring. Anne is hosting, Georgia and Cheri are out on last minute errands, Char arrives, Barbara, others not far behind. A few are on vacation and can't come. I enjoy this warm feeling together with community I have been building but have felt so cut off from this year.

Everyone has brought pot-luck, of course, and because there was mention that I like an occasional Margarita, Cheri brings me one, part of the last minute need-to-gets. The OLP slideshow that Jen made for the graduates is playing on Anne's TV in the background as we gather with hugs and hellos. Food moves to plates, people mill and sit.

Suddenly a large box wrapped in newspaper and bows is in my lap. I open it and find a new sleeping bag from Anne, Georgia, and Cheri! I no longer have to borrow one from Beth! Some would say one only needs a bed of soft pine needles or moss.

There are more cards--with unexpected amounts of money from women in the room and from some who were away and couldn't come, so that I can buy a tent, or a used kayak. The generosity is overwhelming and I am shocked into tears. Char adds a book to her gift, meeting faith: An Inward Odyssey by faith adiele.

I reach for a reading of Gratitude that I have brought. It is a compilation from my blog and from my Independent Project. There are many who have supported me in specific ways over this last year and earlier and I have mentioned them by name. There are others who may not be named but are appreciated in my life just the same. I feel surrounded by caring and appreciation.

Then DJ Anne kicks on the tunes. We get home around 2 so  sleeping-in is in order for the morning. We head out to Shelburne Falls for Cheri's birthday brunch and show the city girls the Glacial Pot Holes.

In my thoughts about how to spend this money, I know a tent could give me the a sense of self sufficiency, survival. Hey, I could live in a tent for a while and work on those back-packing and camping skills. Then again, a kayak would allow me to hone my paddling skills which I'm afraid of losing if I don't have a way to paddle over the    Anne, Char, Cheri, Georgia, Me
summer. If I don't try to find a kayak now when I have this gift, I may not get one. It's interesting to witness the dilemma of suddenly having rather than not having.

Then the celebration is over. Or is it? Maybe I need to find ways to keep the joy and sense of accomplishment fresh. That could help me as I navigate the "what's next?" phase of this path in my life. I have had small bouts of antsy anxiety with this change in purpose and direction. I need to figure out the new path so that I can keep a forward movement toward new purpose. Trust. . . .

It has to turn out better than the formatting of pictures in this blog!
"Forget your perfect offering. . . . "

Graduation: I Am Certified!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Why did I think leaving at 9 a.m. was enough time to get to Wendell State Forest by 9:30? Directions say it's about 20 miles beyond GCC yet it never seemed that far whenever we traveled Route 2. Russ called and was leaving about the same time. Anne, Char, and I headed up the highway and got there about 20 minutes late. I called Beth to let her know, for the last time, that I was running late. Actually, I was usually at class early. Trips were my downfall. She was still on the road herself having run into paperwork problems. Austin and Sean were at the forest since 8 a.m. I apologized to Jen and Kristi who had put lots of time and energy into planning the event. Jen was surprisingly calm about it. "Other people just got here. Don't worry." Oh, relief. Didn't expect that.

Introductions around; meet other people's family and friends, introduce my own. I was happy to see that all the adjunct faculty made it; even Evan hauled down from northern VT. Austin announced tech issues with getting the slide-show playing. Jen had put it together and it will be a keepsake. We moved on from that to playing the song that Sarah Maney wrote and produced. Couldn't get that going either.

Okay, so we move on to the ceremony, starting with Katee H reading a speech she had written. Confirms the thoughtful nature that I noticed on the Racquette River so long ago in September. She also mentioned Eileen "breaking her ass." Next, distribution of certificates, noting the specialized certs we may have earned, and saying something about individuals. Faculty took turns introducing and handing out certificates. No telling what order but eventually Evan called my name. I wish I could remember the sweet things he had to say about me. I remember the word courage but that's pretty much it. OLP certifies us in several aspects. Additionally, professional organizations test and certify us. I am certified as:

Backcountry: OLP L1 Head (would have had Level 2 but my skiing accident meant I couldn't go on the winter trip. L2 includes winter season.)
Environmental Ethics: LNT (Leave No Trace) Trainer
Challenge Course: OLP L1
Rock Climbing: OLP Assistant
Canoeing: ACA L2 ERC Tandem   (American Canoe Association Level 2 tandem canoe; can't find terminology in the manual to explain ERC)
Sea Kayaking: ACA L2 EKT (American Canoe Association Level 2 (can't find terminology in the manual to explain EKT)
Nordic Skiing: OLP Assistant (couldn't finish the course because of my skiing injury)

Then Russ and Mary took turns saying something like friends and family were encouraged to do. Again, I wish I had a recording because I can't recall too much of what they said. Russ referenced the initial concern family had but that he was proud of what I did and that I gave him an appreciation of taking a risk when you are unhappy so that you don't maintain the mediocrity. Mary, knowing me since childhood, said that my sisters and brothers found a new reference for who I am as a person. They knew me as a child, knew me as a mother to their nephews, but have a new appreciation for me as someone who took on an unusual challenge. I felt happy to hear their thoughts and sentiments. We all had a student speak about us and Laura had my name. I think she said that when things become tough, she would remember me and know she can get through whatever trouble she has. Tried to absorb the statements and testimony.

When it was Ian's turn, I had his name and read something about him that I had written on my blog. Students who were afraid that their parents might embarrass them with what they had to say were, I think, relieved that comments were kept to a minimum and without tears, though close. Ah, parents.

Someone got the tech figured out and Austin moved his car closer and played Sarah's song on his stereo so we could hear. It was hard to catch most of it and Sarah was having none of lip-syncing or playing it live. I think she said we can hear it on her Facebook. And, someone got Jen's slide show playing. We all received a DVD of the slide show and a T-Shirt for which Jen's mom designed the picture on the back depicting Outdoor Leadership kinds of adventures. Pretty nice.

Then we lunched on the food we all brought followed by some of us canoeing on the pond. No repeat of the Great Blue Heron that our family saw fly out of the woods on a prehistoric-like flight in the '70s. We'd never seen one before. What I also missed seeing was Mikey edge the canoe to show his family what he can do--followed by a neat capsize. I might have paid money for that entertainment! I think Evan may have witnessed the aftermath--priceless. He'll never let Mikey live it down.

Russ left to get back to work. Said good-bye to most people though some had left without ceremony. Drove home with Anne and Char, all of us fading but reviewing the day. I was grateful to have them with me, both supportive in their own rites, Char instrumental in my decision to move forward. Marc reportedly is having a thing tonight. I'm happy to go to the People's Pint and meet Beth and anyone else who shows up. . .if I don't crash before that. Herein lies both the beauty and the bane of Facebook. Quick checks and pokes to see what's up with people. . . no major investment in time or concern. . . hopefully I'll learn the ins and outs of it sometime soon.

Several guests asked me what's next. "That's the million dollar question," I replied.

The OLP Ride Is Virtually Over

Monday, May 10, 2010

I have been blogging my brains out since I've been home, catching up for the week, staying up until 3 a.m., adding Acadia pictures as well as Challenge Course pictures that I hadn't had time to get off my camera. There's probably others I could add. Still irks me that I don't have a picture of me jumping off the Pamper Pole.

As I blog my memories, my first day getting my ID, the first gear check when Beth looked stunned at my bags and baggage but looked discretely away until she could plunge through and discard the extraneous, my first canoe trip, my first rock climb at Chapel where I freaked at 12', my first rappel attempt and my first rappel success, my first backpacking trip--the White Mountains, learning some semblance of setting up rock climbs, pulling on a dry suit without suffocating, white water canoeing, learning to edge in kayaks, and encouraging others how to do push through their own challenges. Then, because I'm in the forest I can't see the trees and must step out into the clearing to see my learnings and my accomplishments. Appreciation will evolve over time.

Riding with all these firsts, accomplishments, and appreciation, is the finality of the program. My adventure is virtually over. Acknowledging the fact is a challenge in itself and one I'm avoiding. The big "what now?" and "so what?" loom over me as possibly the deepest fall or highest climb. I'm afraid of the postpartum from this womb of schedule, purpose, and growing. This birthing leaves me independent, totally on my own for the first time in my life. . .the deepest fall or the highest climb. I need to pull in the trust and calm that I will find what I need if not what I want. This journey continues.

Still to come, individual conferences and graduation. The cutting loose is near.

Today Is Certification Day!

Friday, May 7, 2010

Today is Certification Day! Broke camp by 7:30 and drove to Otter Cliff parking lot. We non-Certs waited in support until Jon Tierney arrived, laid out the plan and expectations. I thought he did a decent job of trying to make things calm and not raise the stress level. Then again, I was going elsewhere. The Certs walked single file, off the road and inside the rock wall to their testing area, slightly south of our first day. We follow for a bit in sherpa support but are conscious of giving them space.

Gorgeous cliffs! Too bad they can't enjoy them for their beauty. Kaytee H decided to bag the cert so she made our threesome a foursome. We drove away slowly, taking in the rock towers the certs would work on today and all of us wishing them well.

Had breakfast in Bar Harbor and then drove to Cadillac Mountain. Hiking is closed May through late July to protect nesting Peregrine falcons. Cadillac is the highest point in the eastern seaboard and the wind whips around, at times forcing you to plant yourself to keep from being pushed around. We walked on the gravel paths and rocks, avoiding the renewing vegetation, to see the views. Katy found the you-are-here map which pointed out The Beehive, Otter Cliff where the cert group was setting up and climbing, Sand Beach, and Blackwoods Campgrounds that we had left. We found some rocks to hunker down among and avoid the wind and enjoy the sun's warmth. I eventually dozed and the others woke me with talk about going to town so Kaytee could buy a tie-dyed shirt. I thought that dozing more on my own sounded good so they agreed to come back in an hour to pick me up. I realized out of my dozing stupor that splitting up may not have been a good idea and took off to catch them. The last thing we need is to have a problem that could impact the cert group and no cell phones to reach each other. Damn. They were gone. Okay, worry breeds worry. Do something productive.

Oh, a visitor's center! Hadn't seen that before. Lots of information about native people. According to the center, Wabanake means "people from the land of the dawn". . . appropriate since someone standing on top of Cadillac Mountain could be the first person in the eastern U.S. to see the sun rise. There are four tribes that fall under the Wabanake. I recall Penobscot, Passamaquoddy, Maliseet, Micmac (mi'kmaq) but I forget the meaning of each name. I found a postcard for Fran of Otter Cliff and one of Thunder Hole for Sarah L and wrote them sitting on a rock in the wind.

My ride came back to pick me up and we headed back to the Otter Cliff parking lot. While waiting for the cert group to show up, we cleaned out the vans, prepped for returning gear, and laid on the warm pavement out of the wind. Austin hoped they'd be done by 3. They weren't. More like 4 or so before Austin, Sean, and Jon showed up and grouped up to go over assessments. Slowly the cert group straggled in, all anticipating their meeting to discover their fates. Mike was the first to go and his whoop and big smile told it all. Not everyone got it. Some that we've all seen do their setups this year didn't make it. Some had test anxiety, were too slow, etc. We all wanted everyone to get the cert and thought of them throughout the day. Hard that they didn't get it after the week of stress. Some laid on the pavement as we had to stretch and warm. I gave massages to several. . . a way to support and care.

Once the vans were loaded we headed out. Our smaller van caught up with Austin at a gas station and again in Greenfield. The larger van with trailer was further out because they stopped for a lobster dinner. At 1 a.m. we didn't wait for them and will pick up our gear on Tuesday when we're there for individual conferences. Gave Erin and Sarah L. rides home. Fell into bed around 2 a.m. This was my last OLP adventure. . . .

Acadia, Cert Practice or The Opera

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Katy O went with the cert group today so Sarah L and I stayed behind, took the small van and went into town for coffee. Found a sweet Opera House Internet Cafe and stayed there from about 10 a.m. until 3ish! I blogged a couple of days worth, Sarah checked her email, and then we both talked for hours, nice since we really have not gotten to know each other over the year. She is the epitome of info tech--talking with me in person, talking and texting on the phone to her girlfriend about intense life stuff happening while Sarah is away. Technology allows us not to concentrate or focus on any one thing for long.

Got back to camp around 4 p.m., just a few minutes behind the group and in time for presentations. Still can't find my blue bag and red bag and am getting frustrated and angry. Two days now and I've been through the trailer and all my stuff. I hate that I'm so disorganized and see knowing here-we-go-again smiles pass between people. This is pretty much the only time that I've gotten down on myself this trip.

Started to walk to the rocks but chickened out--too dark and lonely. Rained much of the day and I felt badly for all the cert people in the rainy, raw, and windy day trying to set up climbs. Amazingly, they seemed in better moods when they got back today than they did yesterday after meeting the examiner and seeing what he is like. Tomorrow they go for their certifications! We need to pack up because we head home from the climb site rather than from camp.

Stopped writing to talk a bit when Erin and Aaron came under the table tarp to hang. Lots of rain still so people are sticking to their own sites. Once the hang is over, I pull out my book to finish writing. Earlier, Anna came by holding a torn cracker wrapper that she found. Turns out it was mine and a raccoon got to it during the night. Apparently I left my pack "brain" out with crackers, forgetting about bear and critter hangs. Raccoons have hands that can pull zippers and dig out what they want. Katy O wasn't as fortunate the next night. The raccoon unzipped her pack but then ripped her stuff sack that had various treats. Oh, we got sloppy at this campground--despite all the warnings. Fine LNT Trainers we are. Learn through experience.

I'm looking forward to getting home, though disappointed that I don't have the vision quest to do this last weekend before OLP ends. That would have been a good way to wrap up this year. Friends are planning a party for me next Saturday. I love that they're making a celebration. I kind of wish it were later though because it would prolong my OLP status in some vague and ethereal sense. . .delusional.

Acadia, The Beehive

Wednesday, May 5, 2010  (Cinco de Mayo)

PB&J on top of The Beehive tastes pretty good. Austin had suggested The Beehive as a possible climb while the cert folks were doing their work. Sarah had done it before and knew about a ladder on the rock. Sounds good so Katy O, Sarah L, and I hit the trail.

The Beehive is 520'--vertical but great rock to climb. The Beehive looks out over Sand Beach where we were yesterday. Gorgeous. Light house to the east sounds a horn in 30 second intervals and then 2 second intervals. Outside of the height factor, The Hive, as I imagine the shorthand, is a relatively easy climb. I say easy and yet see it listed as strenuous. Sure it was but I so enjoyed it. Maybe because I get to use my whole body to sometimes scramble, rather than just walk. I like rocks more than trails. We found iron rungs in places where there was no good footing or handholds; sometimes the rungs were a ladder effect to get us up to the next point. At one spot there was a grating to fill in where one had to cross. At times, when I knew if I looked down or thought too much, I shook off what was creeping in my brain and kept going. We were rock climbing but having much more fun than sweating a cert exam!

Bar Harbor is the town where we get coffee, have a meal, or some of us watch the Bruins' play-offs. Before our hike we stopped at a Native American jewelry store in Bar Harbor (can't find them on line) after getting coffee and hot chocolate. The owner's grandmother was a silversmith before she died, not long ago. Other family members have similar or other artisan skills but, like most artists, have more secure occupations. His grandmother created 90 pieces shortly before she died, all of which they have pulled from sale which makes them now collectibles in storage. In our conversation, we mentioned to him that we had opted out of rock climbing with our group but were going to the Beehive. The owner looked confused and indicated that we might want to reconsider the Beehive. I want to go back and let him know we did it and that we had only opted out of the cert.

From the summit, I count seven people at Sand Beach beyond. The sea is green at the shore and progressively darker out. Clouds provide shade at the beach as the sun ducks in and out. Eastward the water is green with marked dark areas that I assume are deep channels but then realize are cloud shadows. Multiple shades of green way below and between me and the ocean--dark conifers and baby spring deciduous. Browns that have yet to wake up. Areas of rock and scrub conifers, short, squat and spreading.

Wonder if Katy and Sarah are wanting to leave. They went to the north harbor side but I prefer the open ocean. Wish I could be here all day.

Hungry, we head back to Bar Harbor and land at a lobster restaurant at the end of Main street and at the harbor. They've "been crackin' 'em" since the 1800s. Sarah was hot to get lobster claws, I got a lobster roll (can't get any lazier or non bug-like) and clam chowder, and Katy got clam chowder in a boule. All yummy.

Walked around, then headed back to the Park Loop to find Thunder Hole and Black Stone Beach, both memories from Sarah's past. We found Thunder Hole but were a little too early for the thunder and splash show. Moved on to the hunt for the beach but, while we found it, the name was a mystery since there were no black stones. Among the typical were what appeared to be rounded peachy granite stones. There was, however, a sign telling visitors not to remove any stones. We went back later to Thunder Hole but we had missed the mid-tide again when the show is supposed to air; the sea takes advantage of trapped air in the rock as the tide slams in, creating the thunder as it sprays high.

Acadia

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Sean (co-instructor), Jake, and Conway got up for the sunrise climb back at Otter Cliffs. I heard their footsteps crunching by my tarp and thought a lot about getting up to go with them. I was awake enough but hadn't heard the plans the night before. Are they coming back, bringing gear for the day? Decided I'd take a pass. Got up at 6 for an 8 a.m. start. The cert schedule has changed and will start Wednesday rather than Thursday. Sounds like a double booking on the examiner's part. He'll come back again on Friday to wrap up.

Went out to the Canyons to set up and climb. A smallish area, as was Otter Cliffs. Our threesome didn't get far and had to wait for inspection longer 'cause the cert folks need instructor time and help more than we. I was going to belay Katy O but the wait took so long that I think she lost confidence in me. Sarah L showed more confidence though, when it came down to it, needed help as well. Sarah Maney was able to check things out and show us what needed doing. I took pictures again. Katy was belayed down and then climbed back up. By then it was time to pack-up and head    down the one-way Park Loop Road to Sand Beach.                                 (Pix is Otter but Canyon won't load)

We were all ready to get to the water and cool off. Most of us ran in--the water was cold but not as cold as I expected. Still made us numb though even numbness seems relative. The cold felt great as we had been in the sun all day, sweat mixing with sunscreen. Coquette, the diver, was having nothing to do with it. Caribbean
warmth or nothing at all.

 T-shirts in early May in Maine! Slept in short sleeves last night and didn't even wrap up in the bag.

After Sand Beach some go back to Otter Cliff. Mike and both Sarahs drive back to camp with me for more water and we fill some bottles and bring them back to some of the climbers. Stopped in town for coffee, pens, and a lighter since I forgot my matches. I wanted to go to the cliffs that I heard are beyond the camp trees but had to get settled. Wish it didn't take me so long. Then it started to sprinkle. Heating water in my stove sucks. The stove keeps going out. Felt chilled from the beach and from my quick-dry clothes that weren't quick enough. Put on layers to warm up hoping I'll feel dry and warm soon.

In and out of the trailer getting my stuff. . . it never ends. Can't leave the door open because the squirrels are running around and would love nothing more than to check it out. The trailer is another reminder of what it means not to be familiar with something. What have we been exposed to or not? I never used a trailer until the White Mountains trip. Now, I get to open the trailer door and see how the handle works. . . simple things to appreciate. Now in my solitude at camp when everyone is away, I get to start a stove and appreciate the experience, even if it isn't working well. On the sea kayaking trip the stove worked well and I felt self sufficient. The novelty reminds me of the SAT questions that "minorities" don't know because they've not had that experience in their lives. . . my consequences pale. Yeah, I was shown at assessments in December how to take apart a stove and try to fix it but apparently I'd rather keep lighting than get into the guts and mess.

I head down the wooded service road to check out the cliffs nearby before people get back. Oooooh. Wonderfully rocky cliffs. Tops are mottled gray-green but primarily have a soft orange or peach color. Sides of striated rocks are darker. If I think back to the timing of the sea kayaking tides last week, high tide is coming in. The green water pushes over rocks, fills in cutaways, holes, and covers rocks with white ribbons and spider webs. Coastal rocks--the bane of boats and ships. "We're gonna run aground--break up on the rocks!" Rocks buried for 6 hours until the tide next ebbs. Flood and ebb, flood and ebb twice a day. The flood seems to weaken, making me doubt the timing I thought I learned in my "Tides and Currents" research. Then the tide pours, swirls, and crashes with authority and I realize it was a momentary rest, bathing and swallowing the ledges, renewing the life there in its rhythm. One stand of rock stops the water and it sprays white along it's small coast.

Metaphors of battle and aggression are in my mind as I sit high above, observing. But I feel so soothed and healed, cleansing and feeding metaphors should substitute. I want to sleep out here in my bivy. This is where to come to watch the sunrise. No need to drive to Otter Cliffs. We'll have no sunset in the clouds tonight. Mainly conifers line the cliff ridges on this island, Mt. Desert, and distant islands. Not sure the type but at least I'm not calling them pines. Wish I had the tree book with me.

Black and white birds float below and offshore, diving and fishing. Here is my retreat--mesmerized in beauty and power and rhythm. Miles out on the horizon, the gray sky gradually lightens to a blue-white, fades into a still lighter gray, offsetting the edge of dark blue horizon melting into the gray-blue sea, undulating toward this interruption of its movement.

The conversation rages between sea and rocks. The blue sea slides and rocks toward the land and they greet each other loudly; hugs and slaps on the back, the conversation escalating as the sea envelopes and surrounds in the familiar. Tide pools once again are wet with life.

Acadia National Park, Bar Harbor, Maine

Monday, May 3, 2010 (posted 5/6 at the Opera House Internet Cafe, Bar Harbor)

Left GCC at 8:30 a.m. and arrived Acadia around 3:30 p.m. Set up a quick camp--tents and tarps only, leaving all gear in the trailer so that we can get out on Otter Cliffs for a couple of hours. Right on the ocean, gorgeous blue-green water, sun, blue sky, indeed there are cliffs, puffy clouds--I should name them. Let's say cummulus. Austin had the non-certs--me, Katy, and Sarah L. work together and the rest of the group was in 3s. Sara knows some tech stuff but doesn't want to climb or rappel. I suggested we help her work on that even though she won't get a cert. We wrapped up and Austin and others went to town for the 7 p.m. Bruins play-off game. I and others have no interest and don't even know who's playing so went back to Blackwoods Campground. Made couscous and fresh vegs. Not very good. There's a camping cooking theme developing here. Went to town for water and a couple of things w/Aaron and the 2 Sarahs. Katee H needs a tarp partner so she'll share with me. Haven't really seen her much since the Raquette River trip as we've been on different trips. Cleaned up at the unlocked bathroom a mile away and then, beat, opened my bivy and climbed in happily. Lots of stars that make me smile.

Acadia National Park

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Anna emailed and told me that the Challenge Course cert went well. Kristi had sent a text saying People's Pint at 7 but I didn't see it until 8 and knew that they could be gone by the time I drove up there.

Today I have to finish packing for this week's trip to Acadia National Park for the Rock Climbing cert--not taking it. I need much more practice with the technical stuff. I'm going for all the aesthetic reasons that feed my soul. Hopefully I can find a way to be useful to the group and maybe have an opportunity to rappel once. Not participating in the same way is a challenge in that I'm outside and feel "other." The height is still a challenge but doesn't hold the threat that it once did. Success. Moving forward. My understanding is that we're climbing where you need to rappel off the cliffs with only the sea below and then climb back up. Not sure if the tide makes a difference or if it's always water below in these locations. We'll be camping at Blackwoods Campground and climbing locations will be at "Practice Wall," Otter Cliff, and Precipice Cliff.

I'm planning on camping with a tarp and a duffle with my bivy set up with bag and pads inside like they did for the winter trip. Austin says the vehicles will be at the campground so no schlepping stuff around. Yay! And, we'll be at a campground with restrooms (still haven't used my IPood trowel) and showers so we can let up a bit. Yeah, that's the spirit you outdoor leader.

Challenge Course Exam Tomorrow: Swingin' In The Trees

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Austin talked with us about what might be on the written exam and how we need to think about the practical exam. I say "we" loosely as I'm not taking the cert. I'll be certified through OLP and it should suffice since supposedly not many organizations yet look for the ACCT cert. We talked about Standard Operating Procedures-SOPs vs Local Operating Procedures-LOPs. They both have crossover but "Standard" are general statements where as "Local" offers more detailed and particular information about the site and organization.

After lunch we moved up to the GCC Challenge Course where Austin just spent about $3000 to upgrade climbing staples and other improvements to get the course through the next couple of years. Apparently courses have a life span and this one will need to be moved to another location on campus, likely where the zip line is. It will also more likely involve telephone poles rather than trees. Won't have the same wooded ambiance but will be kinder to the living trees. We started review of harnesses. Austin had told me that he thought if I concentrated on climbing comfort it would most benefit me. Someone had asked if we should have another pair of eyes but he said that, as instructors, you'll be climbing on your own on a course so you should probably start getting used to it today. Sounds good. I grabbed a set of lobster claws (static self-belay) and picked a free tree over at the big swing.

The plan with lobster claws is that you pay close attention and get into a rhythm with clipping and unclipping into the anchors as you climb. Clip the 2nd claw while the 1st is still clipped in; the clip should be about waist high so that if you fall you don't fall far. The "big swing" tree didn't have much in terms of new staples so once I reached the platform I started back down. Apparently I zoned. I realized on my way down that I had just made the worst move--I had unclipped both claws. The only connection between me and the tree were my feet standing on the staples and my fingers holding another staple. Okay, don't panic about 20' up. Damn. Hold on to your staple and get a claw clipped back in. Done. Then I heard Anna call up to me asking if I knew what I had just done. Damn, again. Bad enough that I screwed it up but I didn't know I was being watched. Anna had been standing below watching my climb. Already upset, I didn't want the audience. I snapped at her to not watch me because it was making me nervous and yes, I was fully aware of what I had just done. She left and I guess told Kristi and Coquette. As I was about to transfer to the ladder, I heard a bunch of shouting up from the shed. I realized that it was K & C coming down to hold the ladder which I had understood was part of the getting used to doing it alone. They asked me how it went when I got to the bottom but all I could say was fine and went to find somewhere I could shed my tears and process. I got my thermos and had a hot drink. Found a rope and practiced a few knots and then watched the current show.

Austin was supervising Jen who was setting up a pulley on a cable, well up in a tree swaying in the gusting wind. That was the height that I couldn't get up to in March but had wanted to try again if we hadn't run out of time. At some point Austin came over and asked how it was going, I think unaware of what had transpired. I was still upset, said the usual "I don't want to talk about it" when indeed I did want to talk about it. Austin followed with the requisite "Okay, I'll just step away" and I followed blurting out my confession that I had unclipped both claws. He asked if I was shaken. I told him I was upset about my screw up, about it having been seen, and that because I wasn't going for cert I was having a hard time knowing how much space I should claim yesterday in rock climbing field work and now today. I just wanted to feel good about something I could do. I told him I wanted to leave but that would be the easiest thing to do and I'd feel badly afterwards. I needed to stay. We continued to talk, at points he moving the subject around to calm me down. Said he got to closely review my independent project and that he thinks I'm a good writer and my work had put a lot of information in one place which was what he needed to assess blogging for the program.

Eventually I was able to hug Anna and apologize through my tears for snapping at her. We're fine. I shouted a few encouragements to Jen, who loves climbing, as she swayed with the tree. Austin said there were a couple of tasks that still needed doing. One was to get the rescue setup down and Kristi climbed up to pull that down. I was figuring out a time to climb once more before we left. Austin said to no one in particular that the pulley that Jen had set up needed to come down. I had a sense that he was trying to encourage me to get on the horse again without throwing me into the saddle.
"Okay, I'll try it," I said.

I got a set of claws from Kristi and started up with Austin holding the ladder. I climbed and clipped with rhythm and was aware that when you're clipping, you don't pay as much attention to height. I mean, I knew I was high because I could see other tree tops if I looked beyond my own tree which I tried not to do. My focus was the trunk and hardware facing me and the next anchors and staples. Looking up I could also see that I was getting closer to the belay cable and pulley. The closer I got meant that I could feel the wind gusts. Austin shouted up asking how I was doing and telling me I looked good up there.
"I'm hanging on," I shouted back as I had stopped climbing and was swaying with the tree in the gusts. Eyes squeezed tightly, I uttered a mix of prayers and swears. I found a new rhythm, pushing higher between gusts. Finally high enough that I could reach out to work on the cable and pulley, I had to clip in a carabiner on my harness to a tree anchor so that I could work hands-free. I clipped in but had one hand hanging onto a staple while I reached out with the other trying to unclip the belay rope. . . Anna waiting on the ground for the rope. The gusts kept yanking the cable out of my hand so Austin reminded me that I needed to work hands-free from the tree. Damn. I do need to let go and reach out. Even two hands fought the wind to pull the cable close enough to unclip the rope. I gave Anna a warning "rope" shout as I let it drop. Now get the carabiner off the pulley. Done.
"Stick it in your pocket," Austin shouted.
Next, pull the cheeks of the pulley apart so I can get it off the cable. Done.
Now climb back down and don't screw up the claws. My feet touch the top of the ladder and then the ground. Done.

I have climbed to the top belay cable which I hadn't been able to do before. Austin told me job well done and as I turned toward the shed, Anna, Kristi, and Coquette were busy working on perfecting a knot. Their backs were to me which felt slightly odd but Austin may have told them I didn't want an audience. Then again, it's not all about me. They are doing the cert. On the way down from the course Coquette told me I had a nice climb.

Lots of emotion. Challenge, shame, fear, success. Ace of Swords-Victory after struggle. Thank you, Susan.